Bad habit breaker

This month, I will stop:

  • Being doubtful and mistrustful of people
  • Defaulting to negative thinking

This bad habit occurs because:

  • I’ve had bad experiences with people
  • When people don’t tell me things I’ve gotten hurt and felt lied to (like I can’t trust their opinion of me)

Instead I will:

  • Think of 3 things that person did that I can be grateful for or 3 fond/positive memories
  • Do something that makes me happy!

Doing this will have a positive impact on my life as a whole and make me a happier person.

 


Mini gratitude journal:

I’m really grateful that when I felt lonely, I find the article giving me a conversation starter to talk to Weilee, run into people on the bus and have my partner come and connect with me!

Be generous with the universe and the universe will be generous with you

Bad habit breaker

I cant. 

You know what, i can’t endure. 

I can’t.  I’m not strong enough, fuck whatever people say. 

I give. 

The stress, the loneliness, the demands, the disappointment, the uncertainty. Done. No more. 

I’m self-destructing. Help. 

I cant. 

Giving in

Fear derives its power from resistance.

The more you resist discomfort, or something, the more you fear.

When you accept the discomfort, allow it to just be, you stop fearing.

And when you learn to love the discomfort, it becomes something you enjoy.

Difficult conversations become challenging ones.

Painful situations become growing ones.

We can feel both good and bad emotions at the same time, that’s what makes us utterly human and amazing.

Giving in

The heartbreak

How do I feel?

Lonely, sad. Really need and want love.

The problem is I’m not getting the connection and nourishment and amazingness I want from a relationship.

I can have it with him, or with someone else or by myself.

You need to heal, how do you heal?

To feel loved, to feel alive, to know that it’ll be okay, to be enveloped in love.

What do I need, connections.

I am living my purpose.

Nourishing connections.

To be listened to in a way that makes me feel validated heard and fulfilled.

I have a purpose and that makes me feel and come live, I have a story, I am a child of the wind, I go on journeys and adventures.

I want a life with a job that fulfills my soul and spreads joy to people, I want a relationship where I feel loved and wanted and cherished. Not second class, not trying to always convince, trying to be strong, to have hope. I want to feel safe and explore, to have companionship.

I don’t have those things right now. So I can either mope the fuck out of it or get it together.

A life that works for me, where I am happy.

Asserting myself.

I am leaving everything that doesn’t serve me behind, you either catch up or say good bye to me. You either walk the same path as me or that’s it.

There’s no to-do list or mechanics, there’s intent and things happen.

 

The heartbreak

Rules of love

My emotional process:

1) feel, accept feeling, be gentle and validate
2) spend time feeling and just feeling
3) once healed and better, analyze what our design problem is, what do we really want deep down?
4) how can we make it happen? make solution ideas
5) make plan (measurable task list)
6) execute

So clearly I am at execution phase.

I’ve had a very fruitful learning experience in the relationship realm this year. I still have much to learn and it’ll be a never-ending journey I believe, because people change and relationships and love are every-changing ever growing dynamics.

Anyways. From my very intense experience, I’ve learnt about my own misconception and mental traps and bad habits that I believe I need to lessen the clutter and process with some simple rules. So here are the chocomon rules of love:

  1. My happiness (long-term, sustainable) is paramount; for as along as my happiness is not built on: the misery of my partner, taking advantage of my partner aka not being selfish (putting yourself and your needs first is NOT being selfish, unless what makes you happy involves hurting others, otherwise its just assertion and protecting your own basic human rights)
  2. If my happiness, or something that I want that makes me happy makes my partner uncomfortable, we will talk about it and understand the lying reason for their discomfort and fear. If it is something resolvable, we will overcome the issue together and both get what we want. If it is something unresolvable, but I decide that not doing or choosing that certain something may mean losing short-term happiness but not jeopardize my long-term happiness, I will willingly make the sacrifice
  3. If said something is not resolvable and will cause long-term harm to myself, my happiness, and or the relationship does not show possibility of long-term happiness for me, break up.
  4. The relationship should always be about mutual growth, respect, trust and love. If the relationship becomes unbalanced, becomes one-sided and either or both sides of the party refuses to balance things out. Break up.
  5. Always communicate openly, validate, listen with love, be vulnerable and build intimacy.
  6. The above rules should also work vice-versa for my partner.

Why the sudden rules and changes?

I have a designer’s brain and I decided to look at it like a design problem. The beautiful thing and the best thing I learnt this week is that “There is no singular best outcome”. The is a good/better outcome for all possibilities. Which means there is no ‘ideal’ or ‘best’ relationship and partner. It is theoretically possible to achieve a ‘best relationship’ with any person, only each of these ‘best’ will all look different. So if the ‘best’ is unachievable due to un-resolvable issues aka the prototype/solution fails, move on to the next option and solution.

I know I’m a problem solver which means I’m not going to run at the first sign of difficulty, if I declare a problem unsolvable, aka a relationship unsalvageable, I must have tried to work with EVERY variable and try to work around every problem in it and it just wouldn’t work. It’s like trying to solve gravity. We can make planes fly DESPITE IT. But we can’t turn it off.

So since I know that, I don’t have to feel guilty that I’m ever not giving my all in a relationship of any sort. And because I know that in ANY option, I can be happy, I don’t have to fixate on one solution if it doesn’t work.

Because the largest main design problem has and always will be my fulfillment in life.

If I am fulfilled, I am happy, I am strong, I will contribute to the good of the world better and the people around me better. And as long as rule #1 is obeyed, I don’t risk become a narcissist who thinks the world should serve me.

I may add to these rules as I learn and grow, but that’s how they look for now.  =)

Yay for design solutions!

Rules of love

Why I am going insane

I need help, I won’t even lie or pretend.

Firstly, I am dealing with relationship trauma and invalidation.

If that’s not enough, my existing anxiety and depression are acting up thanks to the above.

And then I have event stress:

  • Speakers not submitting things
  • ticket sales worries
  • sponsorship worries
  • translator concerns
  • A/V worries
  • Licenses to apply etc.

Household chores and shit.

Like really, right now, I need my base. I need help, I need my friends and family.

THEY ARE ALL WONDERFULLY MISSING.

Yea no, I’m crashing with good reason.

Okay event problems we can definitely resolve them. WE WILL!

Just need reliable people and reliable help.

Help.

The later half adds to the top half. Yea I should be checked in for self-harm if that wouldn’t make things worse.

Why I am going insane

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You don’t have to understand the colors that make up my shade. 

You just have to be able to appreciate it, all of it. The light, the dark…

 

I don’t want to die are the most powerful words a person can say to themselves.

It means you still have something to live for.

 

Live.

 

I don’t want to be loved for my light. I want to be loved for my darkness. I want someone to see the profound darkness in me and appreciate the beauty of it, to see the profound darkness and find light in it, to feel whole and fulfilled from sharing the darkness.

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