Because I’m a workaholic

To shut down my workaholic brain, I actually need to write a work report for myself to demonstrate that I’ve done enough work and have earned relaxing time.

Crazy, I know.

So, what did I do today?

  • Chased URWork
  • Sent out sponsorship request to GuocoLand & Uniqlo
  • Followed up with SIF and WoodFix
  • Chased sponsors for logos (Globibbo, Silent Disco, CaptionCube)
  • Sent SMS to chase SingCapital
  • Chased SIF
  • Finished the instagram piccies for the upcoming IB event
  • Bugged Priya to chase sponsors and contact Animal Alliance
  • Sent email to ASM AV folks for specs
  • Bugged Brandon for F&B and layout and AV specs
  • Met Tina for meeting, possibly getting AV contacts from them
  • Sicced mom on sponsors and potential speakers

I think that’s plenty enough work for the day, yes there’s more work for tomorrow but work is endless.

Wouldn’t mind doing Yoga and some workout when I’m home and reading when I’m home though.

Okay! So what should I do for the rest of the time? Hm…program draft? And uh…read? OH MUJI!

Because I’m a workaholic

A disappointing day

I haven’t quite gotten to the point of forgiving myself for being human.

And when my body makes human decisions…

I am disappointed in myself today, and so I’m dedicating this blog post to not feeling disappointed in myself.

I mean that’s self-love right?

And I really need it.

I’m punishing myself for disappointing Annie and EJ and my mom for feeling like I should give Christian a chance.

Truth be told, I think I did the best thing that I could do, I want to be happy. And I have concluded that my happiness can come in many forms, relationship or no.

Why I am willing to give it another shot is because I can see that it will be different, and I opened negotiations to ensure that it will be different, and I was so proud of myself for what I did, and I was disappointed that what I did, which was empower myself and stand up for myself and my rights and my happiness…disappointed the people I love.

It isn’t a choice that I am making, choosing between them or Christian, but a choice I am making for my own happiness.

I can be happy being single and alone, but the little joys of having someone to watch movies with, or  enjoy games with and having another person to share things in life with… I want that, it’s not a big thing, it’s a very small thing, but it makes me happy, just like how fulfilling my purpose and work makes me happy.

I am really angry and upset, it’s like, WHY CAN’T I HAVE BOTH!?

And really I’m just angry at myself that I don’t have the courage to speak my truth and tell them that TRUST ME, I am making the choice that leads my greatest happiness.

And I am disappointed in myself because of it, disappointed that I am not strong and firm enough yet.

Because I am not saying, oh let me jump back into the same toxic relationship that will be magically better. No, I am saying, here’s a person who knows they’ve wronged me, decided that I am worth making amends to and wants to prove to me that they can give me a relationship I want and deserve.

I don’t have to do anything, I can throw my full weight behind doubting, behind being insecure, I can judge at anytime that it doesn’t make me happy and walk away. I am empowered.

I’m finally being given the care and attention I deserve, not promises, but immediate care and attention, and affection, at a pace I can control… I can keep living and life and assess if this relationship is worth my giving again.

Why must I feel bad for wanting that? For saying yes to that in a manner that asserts my boundaries?

Of course at the same time I want to feel the excitement of growth and change and that’s yet another thing I will be assessing, am I achieving my fullest potential, an I being held back?

I would say no to whatever is doing that.

Which leads me to another thing I am disappointed about, not standing up for believing in my maximum happiness. I can have so much, I DO have so much. And one of the things I am and really want to work on in embracing and not being afraid of having too much.

Of having life work out in a good way for me and not feel bad about it.

And I’m disappointed that I felt guilty and tried to downplay that things are working out for the worse and not the better, because I had not faith in the fact that I deserved to have good things happen to me.

Ironically I’m also disappointed in myself that I’m being too hard on myself.

I won’t say that I am vulnerable and unstable, but I am tired and incapable of handling too much emotional input.

I’m not capable of handling any needs for reassurance from people close to me right now, and I am disappointed in myself for feeling guilty for the negative emotions and happenings for those around me.

I’m disappointed in myself for feeling like people’s happiness are my responsibility and that it’s my job to fix how they feel. It’s their job to get over how they feel, all I can give is understanding and support, which I do give.

If I don’t have my natural positivity to give…well no shit.

No need to beat myself up for the fact that I’m not a ball of sunshine because I am going through a difficult period of change.

We are all finding the best ways to solve problems and to adapt and hold our own ground and find ways that hurts us the least.

So I am also disappointed in myself for feeling guilty that I spent today in feelings and emotions. Like my feelings and emotions don’t deserve the day and time. I feel guilty that I spent time on my feelings and wanting space instead of working because I felt like I was okay.

I felt like work was more important and I am running to my emotional problems to avoid doing work.

All in all, I am disappointed that I didn’t perform self-love today.

But I should be proud of myself because I took the time to write this post, to figure out how I feel, I did my best to be brave to face the feelings of the people I care about. I drew up enough courage to negotiate on even footing with someone who emotionally oppressed me.

I’m proud of myself for accepting how I feel, allowing myself the time and space to feel them, process them and direct myself to wherever I want to be and give myself what I need.

Permission, understanding, support.

I’m bad at dealing with things that are fluid, actually scratch that.

I’m good at dealing with it, bad at THINKING about it.

What’s true and healthy today may not be true and healthy tomorrow.

No condition is permanent.

I’m not permanently vulnerable and unstable, I’m healing.

Today, I found it healthy and true to negotiate giving him a chance, may not be true and healthy tomorrow.

I really want to get back in the flow of life, because if someone came to me at gunpoint and asked me what I needed, I don’t need just solid time alone, or time coddled by my friends.

I need a balance and mix of it all, as my higher self, my true self, my gut and every part of me knew always and all along. I need balance in my life. I can’t have too much of work or rest, too much of this and not that.

And there’s been way too much work, worry, responsibility, decisions, stress and contemplation and not enough play, enjoyment and fun.

I don’t need rest, I need sunshine.

A disappointing day

Afraid to heal

We are afraid to heal, afraid to let good into our lives.

It seems too good to be true.

If we stand up this time, will someone beat us down again?

At some point I think we are just playing dead, and hoping that the world operates on some fucked up rule to at least not kick someone when they’re down.

But even when we are down, and get kicked, it’s easier to just take it, be a victim.

Because really what we are afraid of when it comes to healing is taking responsibility.

To move forward, takes energy.

To be strong, takes energy.

And sometimes you are just too tired to summon that energy.

You don’t want responsibility, you don’t want to be strong, you just want to be left alone, in peace.

You just want to run. Run far far away.

Don’t tell me I am strong, I don’t want to hear it.

Don’t tell me you will fix me, I don’t want to be fixed.

I can’t handle being let down, being disappointed again.

I can’t.

I can’t give into hope only to let it crush me again, I have no more faith to be strong.

A small part of me wants to fly, wants to be strong, but so much more of me just wants rest.

Pleads to be selfish, to have peace and rest. To be cared for.

To not worry about who is right or wrong, to not worry about anyone, to not worry about giving or taking, or hurting or being hurt.

I don’t even want to worry about the guilt of receiving.

I cannot be interacted upon. Make me nothing.

Sleep beckons like freedom right now.

Afraid to heal

NAKAMA

I grew up on anime.

I grew up with ‘leave no man behind’ tattooed on my heart.

You fight for your family.

Bonds are the most valuable, sacred things in life.

Trust in friends, in your loved ones, in your family.

You support each other to do your best, to reach your best.

You stand together and fight together.

And you’ll always come home to each other.

All the shows I’ve watched, manga I’ve read, has taught me that there’s nothing more precious that your precious people, your pack.

To not be an idiot and push people away, to treasure them and rely on them, we are more powerful together.

These are my core values, and what I seek, to have my own pack and people whom I can trust like that.

I’m still searching for my merry band of misfits, my partner(s).

To grow and explore with, splitting up and coming back together…

So I am incredibly unfulfilled right now. Alone.

NAKAMA

Love..?

I spend an inordinate amount of time, especially compared to the regular person, contemplating on what love is.

I’m a loved person, my friends and family love me.

And I know they love me because they accept me for who I am, they’re there for me, show support, show me care and affection and well…they demonstrate that they think I’m pretty damn awesome.

Not quite to the point where they worship the ground I walk on, but you know they do act like I’m one of the best things since sliced bread, and I think and show the same.

To that point I was pretty clear on what love is.

Except I have a lover who claims to love me but does not act it.

No care, no affection, no appreciation.

I do think he loves me, but he doesn’t really seem to show it and I guess he thinks I’m awesome but certainly doesn’t act like it.

I want to say that he’s just one of those people who don’t show these things, but he does, just not to me.

So this leads me to contemplate a lot on what love is.

Can you love someone but not appreciate them and not think they’re awesome in SOME way?

Perhaps?

If the situation is complicated enough?

In which case is such love healthy?

If I don’t FEEL loved but I AM loved, or at least the other person thinks of me with love, is that enough to justify a relationship?

Does love need to be FELT rather than THOUGHT to be valid?

Is love valid and legitimate if you only think it but never show it, or in fact even show the opposite?

Is love more important as a verb or as a noun?

I’m still working on it.

Love..?

Why friendship is superior

I learnt how to love unconditionally through friendship.

Friends are the family you can choose.

We are fully independent from each other, we accept each other for who we are, no matter how we change and how we grow.

We support each other unconditionally, because there are no conflicts of interest between our selves.

There are no expectations and dependencies, only the trust that your friend is going to do their damnest best to be there when you need them and that they’ll be there to celebrate your victories and support you through you downfalls.

Friendship is and always will be, to be the ultimate form of relationship any human being can form with another.

And because of that, romantic partnership, note how I say partnership and not relationship, requires that friendship be the base and foundation for it.

And for that reason, within itself, friendship is superior.

Why friendship is superior

Rolling winds

I struggle, it is difficult. It is lonely. My soul is rankled but what I’ve read, shook, astounded, I don’t have the right words for it, the world isn’t supposed to still be standing, something of epic proportions is supposed to happen in the real world to reflect just how much the foundations of my world was shaken so I can prove to others, share, show them exactly what has happened and why my reality will no longer be the same.

It is lonely, to see and live in the world, the reality of words that others cannot see, you can give them the words and they can read it but they will not see, will not FEEL, the sheer..EVERYTHING, the way it makes my soul bang at and shake at the bars and chains that ties it to my body. I want to break FREE, free of my body, of this body, of the world. That the feeling, the tears that leak are desperation to escape from this life so I may live.

They don’t understand and it’s painful, this scratching sensation inside, that stems from within your spirit, your soul, you can’t scratch it physically, only irritate a little more with words and other forms of art, meant to soothe but only makes me crave that escape and freedom even more, to comprehend beyond what my 5 senses allow me, it is a frustration.

I don’t know to feel sorry or not for artists whose mediums aren’t words. I know they speak in a different language, in dance, in colors, in lines, in paintings, in tones, in music…I know on some level we are the same, we are comprehending the same reality, have the same type of sensitivities, we are just using different mediums to convey them. But it’s a struggle, talking to them. The dancer whose movements tell me that they know the same emotions that torture my soul cannot form proper sentences to understand that I have understood her. And I mean no disrespect, for I cannot show her with my body that I understand what she was trying to say with those twists and flips of her fluid body. But language is the most basic (I doubt it is by choice) manner of communication our kind has evolved to use, I cannot comprehend anyone who does not at least have an expert grasp of it. Words shape our reality, how does one not think in words? Words are thoughts, even if sometimes they fail to take the shape of words, they still want to escape from my mouth, my body, my soul as SOMETHING. Emotions that great needs to come out and a manifestation in the physical world, the material world, it HAS to or its creator will implode from channeling, from feeling from creating too much. There IS too much in this world, perhaps you can’t see because you are the lucky or unlucky few who cannot feel the fullness of the world passing through you every single moment. And yet we continue to create new things to stimulate our senses because we have grown numb to the bombardment of the world.

It is painful, but I am grateful I still feel pain, still feel like I am bursting from the seams and itching to crawl out of my skin, my shell, which is wholly and fully me, which I love, but I wish I was a kite and not a stuffing that is permanently tethered to my body.

The words, the best and most poetic, concise and appropriate ones aren’t coming to me and this piece isn’t as linguistic as it should be, the words they aren’t dancing at my command like a symphony because they’re all overly excited as am I and we are just all freestyling in a frenzy, the words that comes first wants to leap out to reality, we all want to escape into the real world in some manner and make an impact, a bang, a mark.

I wonder if this is what it means to have an artist’s soul, and if artists are explorers because so much of us wants to escape but we have to drag our cumbersome bodies with us, so without a choice, we have to physically carry ourselves to new destinations so that our bodies can be in sync with our souls that has already travelled to universes beyond and back, seen the angels, the stars, the devil and the aliens.

Oh beautiful world, I wish I could find more ways to interact, behave IN you and see more of you, feel you in new ways, see you in your entirety and be closer to you.

Perhaps life is just the love story between the person and the world, our futile attempts to minimize the distance between ourselves and the world through any and every means possible.

I am exhausted now and the muse, or the spirit, the purity of freedom is leaving me, it will be back and until them I will be a husk of who I really am, and no one will be none the wiser. Its embers will burn within me, making me just aware enough to never fit in, reminding me that I am not complete, not the fullest version of me, and that my mortal soul may very well never be able to fully contain that version of me.

It is sobering.

Rolling winds