On nights like this

On nights like this I am grateful for music.

Sitting beside me, keeping me company. comforting me, healing me.

For every wary heart, there’s a song out there for you.

Love life, live music.

Thank you, all those of you filling this world with songs, with music for the soul.

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On nights like this

Making peace 

Just because I wasn’t the one doesn’t make it okay for you to actively, intentionally hurt me. 

And that’s what it all boils down to. 

No matter how incompatible, how ill-suited we are for each other, that’s no excuse or reason to manipulate, insult, gaslight, triangulate, exploit and abuse me, or anyone.

You chose to do so. A conscious choice. 

I do not begrudge you or hate you for it.  

This is who you are and how you’ve chosen to live. 

I wish you well, and hope you find happiness or whatever it is that you seek in life. And I hope one day, i can find it in me to be happy for you. 

And for me… I’ve learnt that true unconditional love is not a gift everyone wants. Loving someone, believing in the best in someone means not enabling them, it means walking away when you can’t bear to watch their destructive vicious cycles anymore. Acceptance was never the lesson, learning to walk away and make peace with that was. Learning that not everyone can nor wants to be saved, learning to not trust people’s words but their action, learning to set boundaries and love yourself. Those were the lessons. 

Making peace 

Fear is the root of all evil

I see the world with fear as the root of all evil.

Many of us fear loneliness.

But loneliness is like hunger.

When we fear hunger, we don’t really fear being hungry, we fear the inability to state that hunger.

We fear our own powerlessness to fulfill needs, reverse or protect ourselves from harmful situations.

So when we fear loneliness, we fear being unable to make true connections, we fear being inherently unlovable that we will not able to have human connections.

It’s not stupid, we’ve evolved to need connections, it’s what’s kept us alive.

Companionship and connection is a human need, as much as air, water and food.

We fear the powerlessness to fulfill our needs, to be safe….to survive. And so if what we fear is powerlessness, it makes sense that fear will drive us to attain power and control at all costs.

In the end, it’s always about power isn’t it?

All the terrible heinious acts are all about power, to feel in control, to feel safe.

But of course, having power is fleeting, power isn’t permanent, and power doesn’t really make you feel like you’re a lovable person. Power doesn’t allow you to control the weather. And once you have power you fear losing power..it’s an endless vicious cycle I think.

It plugs up none of the holes, fills up nothing , alienates you in a meaningful way…

The ability to let go, to learn to lean in, live in harmony, ride the flow, I think that’s the road to true relief, to feeling safe. When you feel that being you is enough to fulfill all you need, when your unique self is all the role you have to play…there’s security in that that is beyond words.

I think if we believe that there is natural order, and in that order everyone has a place, a function, and as conduits, as part of a system, everything that we need will come to us, flow through us..we’ll be connected, we’ll be fed as part of an ecosystem…a closed cycle.

I think that leads to a more virtuous life.

Fear exists to keep us alive from threats, it has its place, but its place is not the controlling, ruling entity of our lives.

Fear is the root of all evil

My Will

“It is the content of a life, not the length of a life”-Dorea Potter nee Black (penned by ShayaLonnie)

I write today my will.

I’m not planning on dying any time soon, but I’ve realized that the fragility of life is beyond my optimistic and pessimistic speculations. So it’s always better to be safe than sorry.

Also, I find there no better way to review your own than writing your will.

I note, with some disappointment in myself, that should I die tomorrow, I leave behind very little to bequeath to the people in my life. I shall do my best to remedy that.

However, as wills go, whatever financial assets I have, I will to my mother, may she use them to contribute to the good of the world, as I’ve always known her to do. If for some reason she has strayed from that path, then I ask that the meager sum be donated to whatever cause is most urgent in society right now.

I leave my fluffies (I hate calling them this, but I grudgingly will call them….stuffed toys) to those in need. I hope that the people in my life will indulge in me and set-up some kind of cuddling cafe with my fluffies and I hope that the people in need will feel the love I’ve always been given when in their presence.

I leave…although the most proper term is probably return, my small crystal collection to Annabelle Ip, who has been one of the brightest lights in my life and my longest friend, even though we have drifted apart due to one reason or another.

I leave all my belongings to those in need, any of think of themselves as my friends, feel free to come and take what you need. I’ve got a decent amount of art supplies, a couple lenses and camera accessories, and a pretty nice stereo system for the taking.

My books…ah my books. If that fluffies cafe is set up, do you guys mind terribly having a library section? I hope people can magically find whatever book that will contain the answers, or at least hint to answers they need in life.

Really…I’m not terribly hung up about my physical possessions I suppose, I’m a hoarder, sell them, keep them, use them…I’m sure people will figure it out. I just ask that most of things find a good home or purpose, because I’d like to not contribute to more waste and environmental degradation.

Oh but I do have a fair bit of non-material possessions.

I’m happy to give out my plot bunnies and idea bank to people to adopt, to turn all those plot bunnies into wonderful stories and ideas into reality and make this world a more magical place please.

Archive my photos and videos? They’re not just my memories but memories of others. Maybe someone might want to look back one of these days, who knows?

Oh and there’s TEDxPS… if there’s anyone who’d like to carry on the torch of TEDxPS, do me a favor and burn it? Start a TEDx in your own name, with your own vision (although of your vision happens to include making the event language-blind, I sure ain’t complaining). And mom, do me a favor and start that all mandarin TEDx.

On that note, what’s really important in this will is how I’d like my funeral to go.

I know it’s pointless to tell you guys to not be sad and not mourn, but do believe that no matter how I’ve died (because I have no clue how), I did so with no regrets and leaving behind wonderful memories. I am grateful to have lived in this world and met so many amazing people, good and bad.

For those whom I have wronged, I leave you my most sincere apologies, for those who have I wronged me, I leave you my forgiveness.

So funeral!

I was hoping my funeral would not be about me, but about commemorating what I loved most about the world? Awe and wonder?

Play my favourite movies (Rise of the Guardians, Lilo and Stitch, Namiya, Howl’s moving castle, Tangled), have a live band play some songs and dance, and eat delicious food (preferably Japanese). Feel free to do some flea market and sell my stuff to raise funds…and instead of taking turns to talk about me, please take turns to share your ideas on how you’d like to live your life and contribute to the good of the world, and thank the people whom you still have in your life.

What else..oh yes, my body.

If that procedure is available in Singapore, please turn my body into a tree. I’d like to return to the earth and give new life.

I want my death to be meaningful, just because my consciousness has ended doesn’t mean I don’t have anything else to give.

But if there’s anything I want you guys to take with you, is to remember that, I am so grateful to have met all of you, and I love you, always.

 

My Will

Choice

You chose to abuse me.

I chose to understand that it came from an insecurity and that if I showed you enough love, you will finally feel safe and stop being abusive.

Then I realized that it’ll never be enough.

And that’s not my problem.

You chose to never trust, never feel safe, never put ytourself at risk. You chose to never care, never feel, never be accountable, never repent, never love.

You chose abuse.

So I chose to not be abused.

Love has nothing to do with this equation.

Letting someone abuse you is NOT an act of love.

I don’t need to allow myself to be abused to prove my love.

Choosing not to hate someone for abusing you is not an act of acceptance or forgiveness.

Understanding abuse is not permission to let someone abuse you.

I don’t know if I love you.

I don’t doubt the ‘love’ bit.

You don’t need to know someone to understand their pain and wish them well.

I just wonder about the ‘you’ bit.

Who are you?

Have I been loving an illusion all along?

Have I been in a relationship that never existed?

In the end, none of these mater.

I choose to remove myself from the presence of someone who disrespects me, hurts me, insults me, manipulates me, leads me on and gaslights me.

I choose to not be abused.

And that’s all that matters.

 

Choice

No need to fear

I don’t need an ant to fear me. I don’t need mosquitoes to fear me.

I just need to know I can squash the ant, destroy the mosquito infestation.

There’s no superiority or inferiority in this equation.

Feeling superior over an ant is pathetic at best, insanity at worst.

It’s purely about my ability to protect and maintain my own well-being.

Come an ant, a nest of ants, I can keep them away all the same.

And that’s all there is to it.

No need to fear

There is nothing here

There is nothing to be gained form this person.

This person will not feed you, your ego or your needs.

It’s not that there’s truly nothing here, for if there wasn’t, you wouldn’t be coming here.

But fact remains, there’s nothing here, not for you, not for your kind.

We have attempted to make peace with your kind, we have failed.

We recognize that it is impossible to establish a mutually beneficial relationship with your kind.

We do not hate your kind for being impossible to get-on with, it is not your fault that your kind is self-serving and incapable of a sustainable relationship of any sort.

We will not crucify you, hurt you, or attack you.

But you have no place here, there is nothing for you.

It is your nature to bite the hand that feeds you, and the only way you believe you can survive.

It is our nature to feed others, but not all of us continue to feed after being bitten.

Our kind do not revel nor enjoy in being treated as mere source of supply to be used and discarded.

Feel free to continue your little show and cycle, there many more houses down the road.

We will not send out warnings to them, partially because they will not listen, and partially because you will feel threatened, and attack us to protect your own survival.

We will not attempt to fight and decide whose method of survival is superior, because for both parties to have crossed paths, means that both methods have worked.

Our kind has no need to feel superiority over your kind, we merely recognize that conforming ourselves to be like you will make us miserable.

We refuse to be like your kind.

And your kind refuses to compromise. Clearly our kind are the ones that should conform to yours, yet ironically if every person was a wolf, there’d be no sheeps to be fed on.

We refuse you, there is no world order that has assigned our kind to be willing food for yours.

For if that was the case, we would happily breed and die with happiness and satisfaction knowing that we have served your kind well by offering ourselves to you.

Our kind do not thrive, do not feed off the satisfaction of your kind.

We starve, we wilt, we die.

Those of us who have survived know will no longer welcome you.

We tried to feed you through our ways, you tried to eat us.

We forgive you, for our food do not feed you, but alas, there is nothing for you here.

Thou shalt not hunt here.

This is not your place, and we are not prey.

Leave.

 

There is nothing here