Rules of love

My emotional process:

1) feel, accept feeling, be gentle and validate
2) spend time feeling and just feeling
3) once healed and better, analyze what our design problem is, what do we really want deep down?
4) how can we make it happen? make solution ideas
5) make plan (measurable task list)
6) execute

So clearly I am at execution phase.

I’ve had a very fruitful learning experience in the relationship realm this year. I still have much to learn and it’ll be a never-ending journey I believe, because people change and relationships and love are every-changing ever growing dynamics.

Anyways. From my very intense experience, I’ve learnt about my own misconception and mental traps and bad habits that I believe I need to lessen the clutter and process with some simple rules. So here are the chocomon rules of love:

  1. My happiness (long-term, sustainable) is paramount; for as along as my happiness is not built on: the misery of my partner, taking advantage of my partner aka not being selfish (putting yourself and your needs first is NOT being selfish, unless what makes you happy involves hurting others, otherwise its just assertion and protecting your own basic human rights)
  2. If my happiness, or something that I want that makes me happy makes my partner uncomfortable, we will talk about it and understand the lying reason for their discomfort and fear. If it is something resolvable, we will overcome the issue together and both get what we want. If it is something unresolvable, but I decide that not doing or choosing that certain something may mean losing short-term happiness but not jeopardize my long-term happiness, I will willingly make the sacrifice
  3. If said something is not resolvable and will cause long-term harm to myself, my happiness, and or the relationship does not show possibility of long-term happiness for me, break up.
  4. The relationship should always be about mutual growth, respect, trust and love. If the relationship becomes unbalanced, becomes one-sided and either or both sides of the party refuses to balance things out. Break up.
  5. Always communicate openly, validate, listen with love, be vulnerable and build intimacy.
  6. The above rules should also work vice-versa for my partner.

Why the sudden rules and changes?

I have a designer’s brain and I decided to look at it like a design problem. The beautiful thing and the best thing I learnt this week is that “There is no singular best outcome”. The is a good/better outcome for all possibilities. Which means there is no ‘ideal’ or ‘best’ relationship and partner. It is theoretically possible to achieve a ‘best relationship’ with any person, only each of these ‘best’ will all look different. So if the ‘best’ is unachievable due to un-resolvable issues aka the prototype/solution fails, move on to the next option and solution.

I know I’m a problem solver which means I’m not going to run at the first sign of difficulty, if I declare a problem unsolvable, aka a relationship unsalvageable, I must have tried to work with EVERY variable and try to work around every problem in it and it just wouldn’t work. It’s like trying to solve gravity. We can make planes fly DESPITE IT. But we can’t turn it off.

So since I know that, I don’t have to feel guilty that I’m ever not giving my all in a relationship of any sort. And because I know that in ANY option, I can be happy, I don’t have to fixate on one solution if it doesn’t work.

Because the largest main design problem has and always will be my fulfillment in life.

If I am fulfilled, I am happy, I am strong, I will contribute to the good of the world better and the people around me better. And as long as rule #1 is obeyed, I don’t risk become a narcissist who thinks the world should serve me.

I may add to these rules as I learn and grow, but that’s how they look for now.  =)

Yay for design solutions!

Rules of love

Why I am going insane

I need help, I won’t even lie or pretend.

Firstly, I am dealing with relationship trauma and invalidation.

If that’s not enough, my existing anxiety and depression are acting up thanks to the above.

And then I have event stress:

  • Speakers not submitting things
  • ticket sales worries
  • sponsorship worries
  • translator concerns
  • A/V worries
  • Licenses to apply etc.

Household chores and shit.

Like really, right now, I need my base. I need help, I need my friends and family.

THEY ARE ALL WONDERFULLY MISSING.

Yea no, I’m crashing with good reason.

Okay event problems we can definitely resolve them. WE WILL!

Just need reliable people and reliable help.

Help.

The later half adds to the top half. Yea I should be checked in for self-harm if that wouldn’t make things worse.

Why I am going insane

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You don’t have to understand the colors that make up my shade. 

You just have to be able to appreciate it, all of it. The light, the dark…

 

I don’t want to die are the most powerful words a person can say to themselves.

It means you still have something to live for.

 

Live.

 

I don’t want to be loved for my light. I want to be loved for my darkness. I want someone to see the profound darkness in me and appreciate the beauty of it, to see the profound darkness and find light in it, to feel whole and fulfilled from sharing the darkness.

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Bye

I’m too tired to live anymore.

I’m not strong enough to receive love.

I only spread sadness and worry.

I let people step all over me.

I’m hurt because I was just hurt again.

And it’s my fault.

I don’t deserve to.

The world can take what it needs from me and I’ll go.

I’m finished here.

I can’t live up to everyone’s ideal.

I’m not strong enough.

Bye

Morning healing

Perhaps no condition is permanent, but this morning I feel balanced, I feel in control…and I fear losing that (oh silly me, really, stop being afraid). But I know it’s just me not fully embracing myself.

And I think that’s what I’m going to really do in Bali, come into myself and become more sure and confident of myself.

But lets with with the Bali thing later.

This morning we are practicing reflection and also happiness, and self-love and appreciation.

It’s something new for me, I hope to keep it up, but patterns may feel safe but they aren’t necessarily the best.

First thing I want to say is that, I know what makes me feel alive.

I like it more than “happy”, which is more, joy to the world. Sometimes feeling alive has no happiness, it’s just a bubble of energy, can even be nervous energy, about something, but it makes me feel like I am alive.

That is so important to me.

And I know what makes me feel that way and I want to live life that way.

To feel alive. To be authentic about it too.

A balanced life, makes me feel alive. Balanced and free.

I was reviewing my week thus far…and realized that work 24/7 is my habit, my pattern, but I took a guilt free weekend off, went to Ultra, watched Naruto and didn’t work. I worked out, embraced my fun side, tried something new and… that balance (and of course newness, and exercising my freedom to try new things) made me feel alive and happy.

Was it perfect? No. It was hard, I’m not used to it, and I may have defaulted sometimes, but I fucking tried and practiced new patterns and I am proud of myself, regardless of what people say.

And people gave useful feedback to me when I shared, I heard new opinions and suggestions…which I realize are not imposed on me.

I was the only one judging myself with their ruler.

Everyone has their own voice and opinions, and a lot of the voices and opinions that I hear come from a place of love.

I just have to recognize, not in a judgmental way, that I am not ready to hear it yet, or process it, or to not immediately take it personally. Because I need to hear my voice, and ask to be helped to find my voice instead.

Because that was what I was reaching out for, to find my voice and not hear new voices.

Which leads me to what I want to do, need to do, will do, am doing.

To find my voice and strengthen it.

To come into myself, and embrace my strength, inhabit my potential and energy instead of cowering behind it.

To not feel bad asserting my boundaries, to be certain of myself so that I can listen and take advice, without feeling judged and overwhelmed. Because when I can’t find my voice, and I’m drowning in the voices of others, their advice becomes a life-vest that I cling onto…and lose myself to, judge myself by, it becomes an external validation.

When really I should take the advice of others because I see the logic behind it and that logic has become my logic and it satisfies my soul internally to follow it.

So I want to do a retreat to strengthen my voice and embrace myself. So I can be open, seek more and learn more.

To heal basically.

If I were Wolverine, I would be all chopped up right now, and I would need time to heal before I can charge on and kill more enemies without clothes on. But the fact is I can heal and heal fast, and therein lies my strength.

But of course also learn how to fight better lol.

A trip of healing, love and growth and fun!!

It feels satisfying, and feels like I have exercised my voice and inhabited myself a little more when I talk about ME for once and not my relationship.

But to address it and to close the blog post.

I have decided.

I want to live my life feeling alive, to really LIVE.

Any relationship I have mustn’t hold me back or tie me down, it should make me come alive (in a good way), it should add positively to my life and not crowd out everything else.

It should be the world’s most amazing harmony, but not the melody.

So my truth, my choice, my decision is: if it’s toxic, cut.

While difficulties and challenges to work through and grow from are fine, if it is unhealthy, hurtful, detrimental and toxic to me in any way, and makes me more miserable than happy, then no, it doesn’t matter how sad anyone involved will be, there will be no relationship.

And so I choose no right now, because my metamour is toxic to me, her obsession is toxic to me, his association with her and abuse of me is toxic to me, so no.

I will not enable anyone to be toxic around me and if they insist on being toxic they can go. I am not helping people if I am enabling their toxic selves. And I want to save my energy and power for people who love me and care and deserve it and want it.

I want things in my life to contribute to the good of the world and people around me and not spread poison and toxic into the lives of people around me.

So yea, I am plagued by daily anxiety (I’m blaming hormones and gut flora balance), but I am practicing happiness, working towards embracing the highest possible version of me, and living life by what makes me come alive and being present.

Life is still good, and when it’s not I can sulk and cry and indulge and then move on.

I am live. I am grateful.

 

Morning healing

Write it out!

What is bothering Ri today?

On a personal front I feel like minus buying myself a sandwich I haven’t really done anything for myself.

I haven’t made me time, my day is bombarded by things I have to do for others, I’m not enjoying my life. Just…you know everything dedicated to the home. While I too am busy and tired. But well, I can feel grumpy but the solution is just make a roster for it and split the chores within the family.

I’m going to ritual today, hopefully that cheers me up somewhat.

And I’ll have a call with Kirsty, so I am making effort to take care of myself and sort things out.

I need to review my life plans for the next 3-4 years,about kids and financial stability, plan and shelf. I know. But I do want to feel like I’m making progress.

*Note to self: have a ‘progress’ convo, share what we’ve progressed on (checking in!)

I guess my life/social life is shaping up?

And I’m making a trip for myself which is good.

So I guess I’m doing my best despite circumstances. And recognizing hormones and letting myself just feel whatever I’m feeling. Once I’m in the water I’m usually fine. It’s just a lot of patience I think.


In the relationship realm.

I think there’s a lot of work and concerns to be done, mainly in trust department.

But I guess to just jot it all down…just all of the fears and insecurities:

  1. Him running out of patience to deal with all the things we have to fix.

That’s definitely the biggest.

Me, and I guess us, not being able to be ourselves and just enjoy each other’s company like we used to. So it’d probably be good if we had more good interactions even if it’s a bit weird at first.

But definitely need to talk out and address the comparison thing, that’s weighing really heavily on me. I see our conversations go sour and feel like we aren’t good together, instead of feeling like we are working towards it! It’s getting better slowly! Why don’t I think the latter? I think I have no faith… need the talk and belief that we can get there and that are and can be awesome. I think I’ve sort of lost that…forgot how it’s like altogether. Need reminders. Got to really work through that.

The whole I’m not good for him, emphasis on FOR HIM, not that I’m not good. I’m clearly an easy person to get along with, I’m fun, but I don’t seem to sparkle with or for him. That energy doesn’t seem to come through with him and I want it to. Why doesn’t it? (Well the sarcastic scorpio voice in your head would like to inform you that he fucked that up for you with bad experiences.)

Another one is love language I guess, I think it’s really important that we speak each other’s love language. I know he’s trying to give love with messages every day, and I’m touched but it doesn’t scratch the itch. But I’m scared to communicate it and make him feel like he needs to change and he’s not good enough. I like who he is, but love is also learning, and it’s also very me to…spam videos and articles. So we can grow and be better for each other.

Yea so mutual growing is gnawing on me, I know we’re rebuilding, but I’d like us to grow throughout this because rebuilding means we learnt from our mistakes.

And he’s so busy with his work, so like how should I adapt to that? You know?

We need to take it slow and communicate everything… I’m scared he thinks it’s too hard and isn’t worth it. And will break my heart after giving me hope. Especially with upcoming things with a certain someone.

Honesty is also a concern, we both don’t know what we can or cannot say, everything feels like it may be a crime. Can I go out with friends? Can I meet new people? I really wanna address these things… Why does he feel bad if I meet my friends and have a social life? Why do I worry when he meets people. We need friends, we can’t just surround ourselves with each other? What’s the insecurities and fears and mistrusts that we have that we can worth through together?

On a related but also non-related note. I do have an issue with staying out late. I mean, really, with my friends… I’m quite happy to let them ‘be stupid’ about staying out and being out because after a hard day of work we all want that ‘me time’ to have fun, even if the us of tomorrow morning may  not agree.

But with my mom and my partner…I have an issue, and that issue really stems from them seemingly having an issue with me. I feel controlled, like if I stay out or go out and hang out with people, there’s worry, there’s no trust. Like I’m doing something wrong, even though I’m not. Which of course leads me to apply the reverse, that if they think ME staying out is bad, means they’re up to no good if they’re doing the same.

I don’t like hypocrisy and people lying to me, it really damages my trust. Speaking of damaging trust..that disney sea thing left it’s mark as well.

I guess the final fear really is that all this is too…disappointing or despairing to bring up.

1:5 right?

That state of union meeting method is good..

Write it out!

Don’t be stupid you are human

Hi blog. This is my don’t be stupid you are human list.  

nothing is wrong with you. i know you are disappointed in yourself that you aren’t living life as per your plans and preferences, and feel like you aren’t disciplined enough and have no rituals. 

BUT. 

need i remind you that discipline takes energy. balance takes effort. and you are tired. 

you haven’t had good sleep or good food in a long while thanks to stress and drama. I think you’re handling with as much grace as a person can without being an ostrich.

breathe. acknowledge the discomfort and let it pass. 

you are being honest, authentic, holding space for others, accepting, loving; amd i am proud of you for that. 

Don’t be stupid you are human