My emotional process:
1) feel, accept feeling, be gentle and validate
2) spend time feeling and just feeling
3) once healed and better, analyze what our design problem is, what do we really want deep down?
4) how can we make it happen? make solution ideas
5) make plan (measurable task list)
So clearly I am at execution phase.
I’ve had a very fruitful learning experience in the relationship realm this year. I still have much to learn and it’ll be a never-ending journey I believe, because people change and relationships and love are every-changing ever growing dynamics.
Anyways. From my very intense experience, I’ve learnt about my own misconception and mental traps and bad habits that I believe I need to lessen the clutter and process with some simple rules. So here are the chocomon rules of love:
- My happiness (long-term, sustainable) is paramount; for as along as my happiness is not built on: the misery of my partner, taking advantage of my partner aka not being selfish (putting yourself and your needs first is NOT being selfish, unless what makes you happy involves hurting others, otherwise its just assertion and protecting your own basic human rights)
- If my happiness, or something that I want that makes me happy makes my partner uncomfortable, we will talk about it and understand the lying reason for their discomfort and fear. If it is something resolvable, we will overcome the issue together and both get what we want. If it is something unresolvable, but I decide that not doing or choosing that certain something may mean losing short-term happiness but not jeopardize my long-term happiness, I will willingly make the sacrifice
- If said something is not resolvable and will cause long-term harm to myself, my happiness, and or the relationship does not show possibility of long-term happiness for me, break up.
- The relationship should always be about mutual growth, respect, trust and love. If the relationship becomes unbalanced, becomes one-sided and either or both sides of the party refuses to balance things out. Break up.
- Always communicate openly, validate, listen with love, be vulnerable and build intimacy.
- The above rules should also work vice-versa for my partner.
Why the sudden rules and changes?
I have a designer’s brain and I decided to look at it like a design problem. The beautiful thing and the best thing I learnt this week is that “There is no singular best outcome”. The is a good/better outcome for all possibilities. Which means there is no ‘ideal’ or ‘best’ relationship and partner. It is theoretically possible to achieve a ‘best relationship’ with any person, only each of these ‘best’ will all look different. So if the ‘best’ is unachievable due to un-resolvable issues aka the prototype/solution fails, move on to the next option and solution.
I know I’m a problem solver which means I’m not going to run at the first sign of difficulty, if I declare a problem unsolvable, aka a relationship unsalvageable, I must have tried to work with EVERY variable and try to work around every problem in it and it just wouldn’t work. It’s like trying to solve gravity. We can make planes fly DESPITE IT. But we can’t turn it off.
So since I know that, I don’t have to feel guilty that I’m ever not giving my all in a relationship of any sort. And because I know that in ANY option, I can be happy, I don’t have to fixate on one solution if it doesn’t work.
Because the largest main design problem has and always will be my fulfillment in life.
If I am fulfilled, I am happy, I am strong, I will contribute to the good of the world better and the people around me better. And as long as rule #1 is obeyed, I don’t risk become a narcissist who thinks the world should serve me.
I may add to these rules as I learn and grow, but that’s how they look for now. =)
Yay for design solutions!