Perhaps no condition is permanent, but this morning I feel balanced, I feel in control…and I fear losing that (oh silly me, really, stop being afraid). But I know it’s just me not fully embracing myself.
And I think that’s what I’m going to really do in Bali, come into myself and become more sure and confident of myself.
But lets with with the Bali thing later.
This morning we are practicing reflection and also happiness, and self-love and appreciation.
It’s something new for me, I hope to keep it up, but patterns may feel safe but they aren’t necessarily the best.
First thing I want to say is that, I know what makes me feel alive.
I like it more than “happy”, which is more, joy to the world. Sometimes feeling alive has no happiness, it’s just a bubble of energy, can even be nervous energy, about something, but it makes me feel like I am alive.
That is so important to me.
And I know what makes me feel that way and I want to live life that way.
To feel alive. To be authentic about it too.
A balanced life, makes me feel alive. Balanced and free.
I was reviewing my week thus far…and realized that work 24/7 is my habit, my pattern, but I took a guilt free weekend off, went to Ultra, watched Naruto and didn’t work. I worked out, embraced my fun side, tried something new and… that balance (and of course newness, and exercising my freedom to try new things) made me feel alive and happy.
Was it perfect? No. It was hard, I’m not used to it, and I may have defaulted sometimes, but I fucking tried and practiced new patterns and I am proud of myself, regardless of what people say.
And people gave useful feedback to me when I shared, I heard new opinions and suggestions…which I realize are not imposed on me.
I was the only one judging myself with their ruler.
Everyone has their own voice and opinions, and a lot of the voices and opinions that I hear come from a place of love.
I just have to recognize, not in a judgmental way, that I am not ready to hear it yet, or process it, or to not immediately take it personally. Because I need to hear my voice, and ask to be helped to find my voice instead.
Because that was what I was reaching out for, to find my voice and not hear new voices.
Which leads me to what I want to do, need to do, will do, am doing.
To find my voice and strengthen it.
To come into myself, and embrace my strength, inhabit my potential and energy instead of cowering behind it.
To not feel bad asserting my boundaries, to be certain of myself so that I can listen and take advice, without feeling judged and overwhelmed. Because when I can’t find my voice, and I’m drowning in the voices of others, their advice becomes a life-vest that I cling onto…and lose myself to, judge myself by, it becomes an external validation.
When really I should take the advice of others because I see the logic behind it and that logic has become my logic and it satisfies my soul internally to follow it.
So I want to do a retreat to strengthen my voice and embrace myself. So I can be open, seek more and learn more.
To heal basically.
If I were Wolverine, I would be all chopped up right now, and I would need time to heal before I can charge on and kill more enemies without clothes on. But the fact is I can heal and heal fast, and therein lies my strength.
But of course also learn how to fight better lol.
A trip of healing, love and growth and fun!!
It feels satisfying, and feels like I have exercised my voice and inhabited myself a little more when I talk about ME for once and not my relationship.
But to address it and to close the blog post.
I have decided.
I want to live my life feeling alive, to really LIVE.
Any relationship I have mustn’t hold me back or tie me down, it should make me come alive (in a good way), it should add positively to my life and not crowd out everything else.
It should be the world’s most amazing harmony, but not the melody.
So my truth, my choice, my decision is: if it’s toxic, cut.
While difficulties and challenges to work through and grow from are fine, if it is unhealthy, hurtful, detrimental and toxic to me in any way, and makes me more miserable than happy, then no, it doesn’t matter how sad anyone involved will be, there will be no relationship.
And so I choose no right now, because my metamour is toxic to me, her obsession is toxic to me, his association with her and abuse of me is toxic to me, so no.
I will not enable anyone to be toxic around me and if they insist on being toxic they can go. I am not helping people if I am enabling their toxic selves. And I want to save my energy and power for people who love me and care and deserve it and want it.
I want things in my life to contribute to the good of the world and people around me and not spread poison and toxic into the lives of people around me.
So yea, I am plagued by daily anxiety (I’m blaming hormones and gut flora balance), but I am practicing happiness, working towards embracing the highest possible version of me, and living life by what makes me come alive and being present.
Life is still good, and when it’s not I can sulk and cry and indulge and then move on.
I am live. I am grateful.