Write it out!

What is bothering Ri today?

On a personal front I feel like minus buying myself a sandwich I haven’t really done anything for myself.

I haven’t made me time, my day is bombarded by things I have to do for others, I’m not enjoying my life. Just…you know everything dedicated to the home. While I too am busy and tired. But well, I can feel grumpy but the solution is just make a roster for it and split the chores within the family.

I’m going to ritual today, hopefully that cheers me up somewhat.

And I’ll have a call with Kirsty, so I am making effort to take care of myself and sort things out.

I need to review my life plans for the next 3-4 years,about kids and financial stability, plan and shelf. I know. But I do want to feel like I’m making progress.

*Note to self: have a ‘progress’ convo, share what we’ve progressed on (checking in!)

I guess my life/social life is shaping up?

And I’m making a trip for myself which is good.

So I guess I’m doing my best despite circumstances. And recognizing hormones and letting myself just feel whatever I’m feeling. Once I’m in the water I’m usually fine. It’s just a lot of patience I think.

In the relationship realm.

I think there’s a lot of work and concerns to be done, mainly in trust department.

But I guess to just jot it all down…just all of the fears and insecurities:

  1. Him running out of patience to deal with all the things we have to fix.

That’s definitely the biggest.

Me, and I guess us, not being able to be ourselves and just enjoy each other’s company like we used to. So it’d probably be good if we had more good interactions even if it’s a bit weird at first.

But definitely need to talk out and address the comparison thing, that’s weighing really heavily on me. I see our conversations go sour and feel like we aren’t good together, instead of feeling like we are working towards it! It’s getting better slowly! Why don’t I think the latter? I think I have no faith… need the talk and belief that we can get there and that are and can be awesome. I think I’ve sort of lost that…forgot how it’s like altogether. Need reminders. Got to really work through that.

The whole I’m not good for him, emphasis on FOR HIM, not that I’m not good. I’m clearly an easy person to get along with, I’m fun, but I don’t seem to sparkle with or for him. That energy doesn’t seem to come through with him and I want it to. Why doesn’t it? (Well the sarcastic scorpio voice in your head would like to inform you that he fucked that up for you with bad experiences.)

Another one is love language I guess, I think it’s really important that we speak each other’s love language. I know he’s trying to give love with messages every day, and I’m touched but it doesn’t scratch the itch. But I’m scared to communicate it and make him feel like he needs to change and he’s not good enough. I like who he is, but love is also learning, and it’s also very me to…spam videos and articles. So we can grow and be better for each other.

Yea so mutual growing is gnawing on me, I know we’re rebuilding, but I’d like us to grow throughout this because rebuilding means we learnt from our mistakes.

And he’s so busy with his work, so like how should I adapt to that? You know?

We need to take it slow and communicate everything… I’m scared he thinks it’s too hard and isn’t worth it. And will break my heart after giving me hope. Especially with upcoming things with a certain someone.

Honesty is also a concern, we both don’t know what we can or cannot say, everything feels like it may be a crime. Can I go out with friends? Can I meet new people? I really wanna address these things… Why does he feel bad if I meet my friends and have a social life? Why do I worry when he meets people. We need friends, we can’t just surround ourselves with each other? What’s the insecurities and fears and mistrusts that we have that we can worth through together?

On a related but also non-related note. I do have an issue with staying out late. I mean, really, with my friends… I’m quite happy to let them ‘be stupid’ about staying out and being out because after a hard day of work we all want that ‘me time’ to have fun, even if the us of tomorrow morning may  not agree.

But with my mom and my partner…I have an issue, and that issue really stems from them seemingly having an issue with me. I feel controlled, like if I stay out or go out and hang out with people, there’s worry, there’s no trust. Like I’m doing something wrong, even though I’m not. Which of course leads me to apply the reverse, that if they think ME staying out is bad, means they’re up to no good if they’re doing the same.

I don’t like hypocrisy and people lying to me, it really damages my trust. Speaking of damaging trust..that disney sea thing left it’s mark as well.

I guess the final fear really is that all this is too…disappointing or despairing to bring up.

1:5 right?

That state of union meeting method is good..

Write it out!

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