A disappointing day

I haven’t quite gotten to the point of forgiving myself for being human.

And when my body makes human decisions…

I am disappointed in myself today, and so I’m dedicating this blog post to not feeling disappointed in myself.

I mean that’s self-love right?

And I really need it.

I’m punishing myself for disappointing Annie and EJ and my mom for feeling like I should give Christian a chance.

Truth be told, I think I did the best thing that I could do, I want to be happy. And I have concluded that my happiness can come in many forms, relationship or no.

Why I am willing to give it another shot is because I can see that it will be different, and I opened negotiations to ensure that it will be different, and I was so proud of myself for what I did, and I was disappointed that what I did, which was empower myself and stand up for myself and my rights and my happiness…disappointed the people I love.

It isn’t a choice that I am making, choosing between them or Christian, but a choice I am making for my own happiness.

I can be happy being single and alone, but the little joys of having someone to watch movies with, or  enjoy games with and having another person to share things in life with… I want that, it’s not a big thing, it’s a very small thing, but it makes me happy, just like how fulfilling my purpose and work makes me happy.

I am really angry and upset, it’s like, WHY CAN’T I HAVE BOTH!?

And really I’m just angry at myself that I don’t have the courage to speak my truth and tell them that TRUST ME, I am making the choice that leads my greatest happiness.

And I am disappointed in myself because of it, disappointed that I am not strong and firm enough yet.

Because I am not saying, oh let me jump back into the same toxic relationship that will be magically better. No, I am saying, here’s a person who knows they’ve wronged me, decided that I am worth making amends to and wants to prove to me that they can give me a relationship I want and deserve.

I don’t have to do anything, I can throw my full weight behind doubting, behind being insecure, I can judge at anytime that it doesn’t make me happy and walk away. I am empowered.

I’m finally being given the care and attention I deserve, not promises, but immediate care and attention, and affection, at a pace I can control… I can keep living and life and assess if this relationship is worth my giving again.

Why must I feel bad for wanting that? For saying yes to that in a manner that asserts my boundaries?

Of course at the same time I want to feel the excitement of growth and change and that’s yet another thing I will be assessing, am I achieving my fullest potential, an I being held back?

I would say no to whatever is doing that.

Which leads me to another thing I am disappointed about, not standing up for believing in my maximum happiness. I can have so much, I DO have so much. And one of the things I am and really want to work on in embracing and not being afraid of having too much.

Of having life work out in a good way for me and not feel bad about it.

And I’m disappointed that I felt guilty and tried to downplay that things are working out for the worse and not the better, because I had not faith in the fact that I deserved to have good things happen to me.

Ironically I’m also disappointed in myself that I’m being too hard on myself.

I won’t say that I am vulnerable and unstable, but I am tired and incapable of handling too much emotional input.

I’m not capable of handling any needs for reassurance from people close to me right now, and I am disappointed in myself for feeling guilty for the negative emotions and happenings for those around me.

I’m disappointed in myself for feeling like people’s happiness are my responsibility and that it’s my job to fix how they feel. It’s their job to get over how they feel, all I can give is understanding and support, which I do give.

If I don’t have my natural positivity to give…well no shit.

No need to beat myself up for the fact that I’m not a ball of sunshine because I am going through a difficult period of change.

We are all finding the best ways to solve problems and to adapt and hold our own ground and find ways that hurts us the least.

So I am also disappointed in myself for feeling guilty that I spent today in feelings and emotions. Like my feelings and emotions don’t deserve the day and time. I feel guilty that I spent time on my feelings and wanting space instead of working because I felt like I was okay.

I felt like work was more important and I am running to my emotional problems to avoid doing work.

All in all, I am disappointed that I didn’t perform self-love today.

But I should be proud of myself because I took the time to write this post, to figure out how I feel, I did my best to be brave to face the feelings of the people I care about. I drew up enough courage to negotiate on even footing with someone who emotionally oppressed me.

I’m proud of myself for accepting how I feel, allowing myself the time and space to feel them, process them and direct myself to wherever I want to be and give myself what I need.

Permission, understanding, support.

I’m bad at dealing with things that are fluid, actually scratch that.

I’m good at dealing with it, bad at THINKING about it.

What’s true and healthy today may not be true and healthy tomorrow.

No condition is permanent.

I’m not permanently vulnerable and unstable, I’m healing.

Today, I found it healthy and true to negotiate giving him a chance, may not be true and healthy tomorrow.

I really want to get back in the flow of life, because if someone came to me at gunpoint and asked me what I needed, I don’t need just solid time alone, or time coddled by my friends.

I need a balance and mix of it all, as my higher self, my true self, my gut and every part of me knew always and all along. I need balance in my life. I can’t have too much of work or rest, too much of this and not that.

And there’s been way too much work, worry, responsibility, decisions, stress and contemplation and not enough play, enjoyment and fun.

I don’t need rest, I need sunshine.

A disappointing day

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