Happy


I’m not happy.

Why am I not happy?

Life hasn’t been going the way I want.

And that sounds spoiled as fuck, but it’s true.

I’m not talking about jobs or projects, difficulties in life that are beyond my control.

I hate things that are MINE and under MY control to be taken away from me.

I HATE the lack of empathy.

I hate that whatever I do end up becoming something else or someone else’s.

I hate having to pander to others, I hate not putting my own needs and wants first.

Yes, I will work on reframing the board game night as something I wanted to do. Because I wanted to do it.

I wanted us to do it, but first there’s been no pro-active effort on one side to do it, so I decided to just do it, because it didn’t seem important, now I know it is, I’m incorporating him into my decisions.

But it feels like MY discomfort of opening up my space and my sanctuary is disregarded as silly or not worth respecting. I’m happy to RESOLVE it, not BELITTLE it. Where is the fucking empathy? It’s like the convenience of everyone else comes first and becomes a competition of everyone’s comforts and mine comes in somewhere in last place and I don’t fucking feel like holding anything anymore.

Because I wanted to do it to have FUN. Not hold something for everyone else to enjoy at the expense of MY comfort.

I already don’t have a space to feel safe, as and WHEN I want. I have to share everything before I’m ready and I haven’t really got the people whom I SHOULD talk to to talk about helping me be more ready.

If you’re going to make out my discomforts as unreasonable, then don’t fucking even waste my time trying to be there.

I have to share his time with the phone calls, no asking how this makes you feel, how can we make you feel more something something. Suddenly sharing of my space to a stranger, my room that I planned with him.

Is nothing in this fucking relationship sacred anymore?

I just have to keep FORCING myself to be ready for it, when working through these things together IS the whole point of a relationship?

I’m NOT HAPPY.

I don’t have my space, I don’t have someone, I don’t feel safe and I’m doing everything I can to not just up it and leave everything because that’s who I am and what I fucking do.

I want to invite people to my place with an open heart and with love. I just hate it when there’s no understanding of me when I’m trying to push through something.

There’s no place for me to just BE ME. Be fully me and only care about me and what I want.

 

*sigh*

We made the choice, we’ll deal with it, we can either deal with it happily or angrily. Lets choose the former.

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Happy

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