Title doesn’t matter


“Tomorrow’s going to be a better day.”- Wise Self 

Why is it that when I need someone there for me, when the emotions are threatening to swallow me whole, no one is there for me?

It’s just everything gushing out. And I know they need to gush out. And I know they need a place.

I know I need to be vulnerable, to the right person.

Because all these feelings AREN’T groundless, they’re not coming from nowhere and they’re symptoms of something.

And it gets so much harder to deal with them when they’re told they shouldn’t happen.

They might be groundless, but it’ s a sign that someone’s feeling something.

I’m so busy telling myself why I SHOULDN’T feel that way instead of asking why I DO feel that way.

And that’s of course a complicated question, but it all goes back down to…it feels like we’re drifting away.

I’m not going to rationalize every action because it becomes complicated, half of it driven by emotions the other half driven by half-assed god knows what.

You need to see this, you need to hear this.

I want to have more happy and sunny days and moments with you, but if you want to be a team, a proper team, you need to be there for moments like these.

I’m so scared that we are drifting apart and I know it’s irrational, there’s so little for me to hold onto. My heart is so beaten up and you don’t care and that hurts.

I don’t know how to enjoy anything when I’m bleeding, and everything upsets the wounds more.

I want you there, you don’t need to be, but I want you there.

I feel like I’m losing emotionally and everything upsets me and freaks me out, but instead of trying to work that out together and working towards a compromise and growth, I’m just supposed to NOT feel that.

I’M SO LOST AND MESSED UP OKAY. I’M NOT FINE AND I’M NOT OKAY AND I HAVEN’T BEEN FOR A VERY LONG TIME. GO AHEAD AND LEAVE ME. I can’t change this.

You think I don’t want to?

You think I like spending 80% of my day in panic and anxiety?

I don’t even care whose fault it is or why I’m like this anymore. I just want it to stop.

I’m so TIRED of feeling this way.

And I’m so tired of worrying and stressing that my emotions will ruin all of your quality of life and rain on your parade. Why are my emotions the only one that’s bad? I’m not SITTING there and THINKING up things to be upset about, I have better things to do with my life okay.

And I’ve tried just doing them and ignoring this and look where that’s gotten me.

I’m not you, I can’t FUNCTION LIKE YOU.

I don’t want to be confident, I just want to be ME.

Except I don’t know what that is anymore.

I try so hard to fit myself into this box called ‘good girlfriend’ for you and I don’t even know what I look like anymore.

I try to reclaim my life and it hurts you and makes you insecure.

I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

THERE’S NOTHING MORE THAT I CAN DO TO MAKE THINGS EASIER AND MORE COMFORTABLE FOR YOU.

I see you going for new things with Suko, things you don’t like but that you’d go for her. I see you gushing about new people. I see all the sparkly, happy things you can have with others, so different, so new, so much growing…

I want you to grow, but it’s also scary because what if you grow into something, someone that I don’t know anymore? What if you grow away from me? I feel like I’m watching you slip out of my hands, but the harder I hold onto you the more aggressively I shake you off, But if I let go completely, you’re hurt.

I just want to be me, and all the emotions are either telling me I’m not me, I’m not being loved enough, our bond is fading and I’m just overwhelmed trying to keep a lid on them on my own when it’s a two person thing. I’m inventing stories for you in my head to explain things away, or stories for me to explain things away.

Maybe I’m just not confident enough, maybe I need to be more unconditional and loving.

Maybe he’s just too truamatized, maybe he’s too tired.

I don’t know, you keep surprising me and I don’t know what to work with or work on.

You keep changing and growing, and that’s a good thing but I feel like I’m not part of it.

I don’t know what I can or can’t or should do with you.

It all doesn’t make sense to me.

I’d try to get you to go for artsy or spiritual things and you’ve said that you wouldn’t be interested, but suddenly now Suko asks and you go and now you like these things.

I guess the difference is that I don’t make the effort to drag you to it…because I care more about you enjoying yourself. I shy away from sharing things with you if I think you won’t enjoy them because I just want us to have a good time. Or it’d just be like Disneyland again…

But the truth is, I don’t know. I want, I want so much. Not of your time, I just want us to be close, to be special, to be a team and to be partners.

And I scare me too, I discover intuitive singing, I have a deep healing session, I stumble onto some new ideas and spaces and…I keep growing and changing and there’s barely any time to share with you who I am and how I’ve changed.

Just like how so many of your beliefs and values have changed with your interaction with others, so have I and we never have a chance to share that with each other.

And I feel…happy, but also disappointed and sad because I feel like I’m left out from the experience, like it wasn’t even shared with me.

We’re so busy…I don’t really care about DOING things with you at this point, we’re so busy we don’t even have time to sit down and catch up with each other, really SHARE about our growths and changes. And we don’t spend enough time with each other to see or feel these changes.

I’m just so disoriented dealing with you, one moment you tell me you can’t deal with emotions and I can’t come to you, the next you’re insisting I come to you again, in the morning and wanting to be better for me.

Where is it coming from? What happened? Did an alien kidnap my Pebbi?

I love you no matter what but I’m so confused..it’s like coming home to my house but someone moved all the furniture and I don’t feel safe. At least I knew how to navigate the old house even if everything was a mess.

And my wings are itching, I’ve done so much growing on my own, and I want to fly and take off but I don’t want you make you feel like you’re being forgotten and left behind because I know how shitty that feels you know?

It’s just so stupid that we both feel the same way but we keep…walking/talking past each other and not…meeting each other.

I know we can be the bestest awesomest strongest team ever. And have this super amazing relationship where we can share everything,like those hippie couples on Youtube but cooler and less hippie.

I do feel like I’ve lost my luster, and I’m conveniently blaming it for the reason why we’re drifting apart and allowing myself to be a victim.

And that’s wrong.

Real partners don’t lose interest when one have lost themselves or their luster, they support them to find it back, to grow it back even stronger, to molt into their real selves like the way me and Annie do.

Someone who is only with you when you’re shiny and not interested to watch and support you through the struggles shouldn’t even be in your life.

And that’s also why I’m wary of dating new people, because I know how nice and shiny I look outside. I’m interesting and cool, but if you’re not interested in all the darkness and blood and pain that’s built on, I don’t need people in my life to just hang out with. I’ve got friends for that. I’ve got myself for that. I’m not at mercy of my desire for companionship. Perks of living in your head. I’ve got enough company up there.

I think we’re finally getting somewhere, and I’m relieved and infinitely more functional now. We’ll let the rest of the emotions sit.

And okay, my black circles are because of all the crying.

I ADMIT OKAY!

 

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Title doesn’t matter

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