I guess I’m a tantric person by nature.  I crave authenticity and I do wear an armor but ultimately I want to walk around with an open heart. That’s my goal.

That’s why I’m choosing to be poly and doing all this work. 

More on that later. 

I have a lot of tears  bottled up. I..cry more than regular people. I need to accept that accepted just cry. That’s part of my self love. The discomfort of self love. 

But I’m proud of myself.  My heart is always my compass. I’m..really always in it and working with it and accepting the ugly with the beautiful. 

I would like to be more connected with the…headspace and my body. But not rushing for it. It’ll come. I’m not aiming to be a guru. I’m aiming to be me. It’s amazing my inner soul is actually actually hawk though and the wolf. But..ha. why am I surprised. 

My heart…I’m scarred and broken and hurt but I’m strong.  I’ll always love. And yea…not much on that anymore.  

Back to why I’m poly. I wanted to grow and become stronger in the heart and love better, truly unconditionally so I chose polyamory  for the stress and discomfort and living up to my own truth. 

What I want though, that deep want, and in reality I either leave people or just never give up and work towards it, IS the perfect relationship.  I may never  get there, but the perfect relationship to me is one where I have a partner I trust so much that we will never settle and never  working towards it. To grow and become stronger in the heart together and love more together. That’s what i crave and vend I’ve been settling.  Trying to give peace when…i dont want peace.  Not in this. I want the constant..flow state haha  

And into primary or MOR. I don’t want to say that so yes pebbi is my primary and so he is the one I have the trust to really do deep relationship work. 

The depth of our connection, of our relationship IS our MOR, that’s why our MOR is that of partners in life.  I am the person he trusts enough to do work that deep and vice versa. 

And well I honestly don’t think that’s his MOR with others, this kind of..tantric deep work relationship in life. Doesn’t mean he loves them so but that’s not the MOR. 

If he or myself one day has this with another person..that’ll be okay too. It’ll take a lot of reassurance to know that our relationship won’t fade. And that this new deep connection only deepens our own.  That he is now exploring having two deep connections and as his partner…this is part of my journey too. And it will deepen our connection. How we can maintain depth and accept someone else etc. 

So yea…I think I’ve.. found my way and my truth and it’s great. I feel like I can fly. 
And all this is self love. Not settling and accepting my truth.. is self love. 

I love you, me. 


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