As an introspective person who happens to be non-monogamous. I realized it might be a pretty good idea to figure out what makes me fall in love.
It’s a scary question, love is supposed to be inexplicable.
Keyword, supposed to be.
There are many components to love, and I think accounting for all of them is impossible, which is what makes love inexplicable.
But figuring out what makes me fall in love?
That’s specific and simple to answer.
Because if what makes me fall in love is just someone who makes me happy, I ought to be falling in love left and right.
Making others makes me happy, but there’s been so many situations where I was super happy because I managed to make people happy but I didn’t fall in love with those people.
So what is that one thing that makes me feel like I will fall in love with this person?
What is the key to a romantic connection with me?
I realized that it is feeling safe.
Of course, safety is overly vague.
To be more specific, I will fall in love if the person makes me feel safe enough to be myself and show the vulnerable sides of myself and not feel judged but instead feel accepted. I will fall in love if a person makes me feel loved and cared for the way I want to, knowing that they’re doing so sincerely and because they WANT to.
I know, it feels like the cheat code to make me fall in love is now public knowledge.
But what makes me feel safe and willing to open up isn’t just another person’s acceptance level, also how much they show me, and my own instincts and judgement of whether or not they’ll really ‘get’ me. If they can really handle who I am. How well we click and get along etc.
Plus, making me fall in love does not equate with me staying in love.
That’s how you make me feel enough genuine attraction to fall in love…keeping me in love is a whole other story.
So what makes me stay in love?
That’s a LOT more complicated.
Love is a two-way street. If I don’t feel like I love the person..I won’t stay in love. Just like how if I don’t feel loved, I won’t stay in love.
Now making me fall in love is not the same as making me feel love FOR someone else.
And it’s also different from making someone feel loved.
I can make a person feel loved without feeling love for them. You can make me feel the butterflies of falling in love without me actually feeling love for you.
And..me loving someone…depends on so many things.
But I guess passion, sincerity, compassion for the world, kindness, all those are things that make me love someone. And flaws, do they accept and try to make the best of their flaws. I guess I have a certain appreciation for overcoming hardships.
So having written all that, for me to be in a relationship, first the person has to be someone I can fall in love with. Already hard. Then be able to make me feel loved, AND make me feel love for them to make me stay in love.
It’s good for ME to know because it makes sussing out partners easier, it’s also good for me to understand why I’m not crazy on a hunt for partners and why it’s difficult for me to find someone.
Most importantly, it’s just a good thing to know about myself. Have clarity about what makes you tick. So I will also know when someone is tricking me into a relationship.
It’s always been easy for me to make others feel connected to me, but never easy for me to feel genuinely connected and 1000% willing to bear my soul to someone. And without that…well call it an INFJ problem, I can be physically attracted or even have chemistry with someone, but it’d never evolve into relationship or love. Love to me is the acceptance of the soul. You can’t have that if you won’t bear your soul to a person.
Chemistry fizzles out fast for me (sky scorpion here) and on the account that I get WAY more positive vibes and excitement from non-human related stuff…ultimately it explains why I do not look to relationships for mere pleasure.
And that’s okay.
I think today’s biggest take away is accepting that…unlike what society has romanticized, there are people out there who exist who are happy and fulfilled, single. And I am one such people.
I’m not saying that I’m not as happy or as fulfilled now that I’m not single, it’s a DIFFERENT kind of happiness and fulfillment. I want to have a life partner and someone to share life with. But I am a just as happy if not possibly happier person single as well.
It’s not like a must have thing that I feel I need to complete my life. If it is, then yea, sitting around and waiting for someone to show up is stupid. I should be actively searching or looking. But like how my conversations with my aromate always ends when I’m single, “it’s not like you’re looking and you’re perfectly happy being single”.
I guess…what I’m trying to say is, relationships are not necessarily fulfilling. They CAN be if done right and are amazing. Actually, no. What I’m trying to say is, relationships are not necessarily entertaining or pleasurable.
It could be for some people and but it doesn’t have to be for everyone, and it isn’t. And people like me exist.
Some people find reading a book more satisfying than watching a movie and vice-versa.
Some people think it’s more worth it to spend money on clothes and food.
Who are any of us to judge?
What’s important is knowing yourself and what makes you feel fulfilled, happy, as well as what makes you feel upset and angry…
What’s important is just knowing yourself, and I’m glad today I’ve unraveled the mysteries of what makes me fall in love.