We don’t know better


To my best friends who are undoubtedly reading this.

We don’t know better.

We think we do, but really we don’t.

We didn’t think EJ and Roderik would work, hell a huge part of me still don’t think it does but they’re happily in Amsterdam together, goes to show what I know.

I still don’t fully grasp the mechanics behind the duocorns, but they work and they’re happy, who am I to judge?

I think every other day I was advising Annie to break up with Doduo but look where they are now?

We don’t know better.

Just because people don’t love or behave like us doesn’t mean they’re wrong or what they have doesn’t work.

“The nonabusive man in these circumstances will be very concerned when you inform him that he is frightening you and will want to take steps to keep that from happening again—unconditionally. ”

He’s traumatized by people speaking with raised voices. People talking to him like that aggravates him like how loud noises trigger my anxiety.

It’s not fair that I get to kick up a fuss when he raises his voice but I do it all the time and he can’t say shit because that’s just who I am? What happened to me taking steps to keep that from happening again unconditionally?

I’ve promised to not walk away, but I have, many times, in anger and frustration because ‘I can’t deal’. What’s the difference when I do it than when he does it?

Is it less damaging? Because I’m your best friend?

Everything that I’ve pointed out that frightens me, have been apologized for and never ever repeated again.

There wasn’t any retribution or retaliation for those. There was initial hostility and defensiveness, but you had a brief moment of that when Doduo pointed out that you were too demanding. It took you a day to digest it and be upset over it and then after that you changed and did better.

He’s doing that too. So he doesn’t apologize the way we do, and no he’s not perfect. And yes he could very likely just be carrying out the motions more so to appease me than because he loves me.

Or maybe the change is something really difficult for him, like how asking me not to fly off the handle when my mom is being my mom, and it doesn’t come out in the most passive or loving of ways.

I don’t know, we don’t know better, at least not yet.

You can totally hate him for being an emotionally constipated person and for whatever (inexcusable) reasons have abusive behaviors, but just pointing out I’m not a saint too.

I’m not taking the blame. He’s wrong where he’s wrong, but in that case I am also wrong where I’ve been wrong. No, it’s not healthy to threaten ‘Well then just go date someone else’ every time he points out something I don’t agree with.

Good question isn’t it, why are we both staying if the relationship isn’t making us happy?

Why I’m waiting till december is because I want to find out, are we trying to make it work despite being so different and broken in different ways, because we love each other or because of ulterior motives.

Why did you and Doduo why  stay really difficult and neither of you were happy?

Not all changes will make us happy. But fact is, us finding him storming off because someone asked what he wanted to it annoyed him, and me flipping the fuck out because my mom asked the laundry people to take the clothes so I didn’t have to wash so much laundry, is about equally absurd. Why are you so understanding of me snapping but him doing it was unreasonable?

Because I have depression and anxiety and he doesn’t?

No, both our behaviors were bad an unacceptable.

The biggest difference right now it seems is, I’m open to change and he isn’t.

But really, HAVE I changed? Have I accommodated what made him uncomfortable or am I just trying to squish him to fix my box of expectations?

Now, it will, and that’s what I’m trying to observe, is that is he using this to guilt me and control me into accepting his flaws. So he doesn’t have to make any real changes to  his behavior, doesn’t have to deal with difficult moments in a relationship.

Is he staying despite the relationship being unhappy or unsatisfying for him because he can ‘bully’ his way into being himself and not pick up any slack in this relationship but benefit from all the perks?

I still don’t know yet.

Because in my experience of abuse, if he really knew what the magical  buttons are, he wouldn’t be fumbling around trying to ‘make things right’. He’d apologize in exactly the way I want, make me feel loved and safe so he can exact abuse and revenge in the future again. Not groping around, trying to, in awkward ways, make up for being a dick but being tsundere about it.

He hasn’t and doesn’t want to control my life. Or want to bring me down to make him feel good. Or get financial control over me. etc.etc. etc.

I’m still reeling from fucking Zon’s abuse 2 years ago and not noticing it. I take every little negative comment about my character as ‘oh he must think shit of me’. But don’t we all have things about our partner that we don’t like but accept? Doduo is not the happiest about you hiding in Annie bubble but he will still love you. Kuri doesn’t like how Cass is almost blind to social cues, but she still loves her. Can’t Pebbi point out I have no tact and he doesn’t appreciate it?

I’m not defending him, he can definitely afford to appreciate and say good stuff about me more…and I’ve brought it up.

And guess what? He’s doing it. Not like a ‘three times a day’ thing,  but almost every day he’ll find a place to squirrel in and tell me that he’s grateful and happy to have me as his partner.

Maybe he’s happy with me and I’m not with him.

But I don’t want to use MY ruler of how to love to judge how others love me.

That’s not fair.

So I’m observing, is he using everything against me just so he can be in a zero maintenance relationship? Or is he just trying really hard to make things work, meet expectations and demands beyond his abilities to meet?

I’m not saying my expectations are unreasonable, they are. He’s just..not that capable in this department. But he deserves until december to try.

If it’s too much for him and he blows or if I can’t change my expectations to meet him halfway, we tried.

I’m staying and he’s staying because we love each other enough to try and meet expectations that aren’t second nature to us. That isn’t familiar to us.

Yea, I don’t think opposite couples work out well, but we ought to try, learn and grow.

We don’t know better until we try.

So yea.

Of course, I’ll bring up the damaging nature of his actions to him, and he won’t accept them happily, at first. But I think what’s important is that, even if he doesn’t swallow the pill the same way we do, if ultimately he changes then…we can’t judge everyone by our ruler, by how we judge ourselves.

They’re not us.

And so amidst all the chaos, that’s the bottom line.

I don’t want to be arrogant and assume I know what’s the ‘right way’, I don’t want to judge others against how I love.

Yes I’d love to be with someone who loves exactly as I do, *stares at aromate lovingly* but that would limit how I see the world and life. I won’t learn, I won’t experience.

 

Ultimately, even for all the similarities between corns, I’m not you guys. I’m not monogamous, I’m not bi, there’s something that will work for me or make me happy out there that isn’t for you guys. I’m not saying damaging or abusive relationships are it, or Pebbi is it. But I should be free to explore, as you guys are free to worry and air your concerns. However, any judgement that anyone seeks to enforce upon me or my life, I’m sorry I will balk at it. Listening and sending me books or articles and sharing your views I will welcome. Telling me what to do on the other hand…you know how you know the consequences for stupid decisions but you still do them sometimes?

I’m there right now, because sometimes stupid decisions have surprisingly meaningful outcomes, even if they’re not what we expected.

I’m not going to get my happy ending, I highly doubt, but I want to see it through till its natural end. So trust me to know when that is. I’m not being abused and stripped of my freedom or self-worth.

How can I when I have amazing people reminding me of that every day?

I trust your love and support, trust me to live my life well.

Most importantly, I don’t want relationship to be the main thing in my life. Myself and personal growth and my aspirations are.

Those are things I want to share more about. My love life has always been..bleh. We know where everyone stands on it, how long must we dwell on it?

I’ve been missing and itching people to talk about projects I’m doing, new things I’m learning, new realizations and growth.

Those are things and areas I’d like more love and support with because those are things I REALLY have no one to talk about to but matter to me most.

My relationship doesn’t define me. If I bitch about it a lot, I’m sorry I lack the outlets to bitch period. Ranting helps.

This is a learning experience, I’m taking it as such. But at the end of the day, what matters most is my personal development. And seeing as THAT part of me isn’t being bogged down or controlled etc. etc. etc.

For now we can all be at peace k?

Is much appreciate and all the love and many thanks for kind understanding.

*throws hands up*

And that’s all the points I have. Will need caving to recharge now

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We don’t know better

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