I want to verbalize the dark thoughts in my head because I don’t want to pretend they don’t exist.
My cousin will be a better daughter for my mom. They’re more similar than I ever will be with her.
I’m an imposter. I come off as being better than I actually am. I’m not amazing or capable. I’m average. Just not normal. I’m weird, in the way awkwardness is weird.
I don’t want to tie my value to my relationship. Yet I try so hard and become so disappointed when I try to demonstrate value and fail. Aka can’t make food that my partner is happy with/amazed at.
I don’t want to live for approval yet they’re so important to me.
I want to make people happy for selfish reasons, it’s time make myself feel good and happy. I expect people to be happy when I try to make them happy. Even though I hate having that expectation put on me.
I feel like a failure when I can’t make people happy.
I WANT to hate myself right now, not doing so makes me feel like a liar and a pretender.
I can’t tell truth from emotionally charged..not lies but…confusion, right now.
I want to believe that im not that bad but I can’t.
I wish I had the power to fix everything and make everyone happy. So that they can finally have time for me.
That last line isn’t true.
So that I won’t feel useless.
I don’t know anymore.