Verbalize the darkness 

I want to verbalize the dark thoughts in my head because I don’t want to pretend they don’t exist.  

My cousin will be a better daughter for my mom. They’re more similar than I ever will be with her. 

I’m an imposter. I come off as being better than I actually am. I’m not amazing or capable.  I’m average. Just not normal. I’m weird, in the way awkwardness is weird. 

I don’t want to tie my value to my relationship.  Yet I try so hard and become so disappointed when I try to demonstrate value and fail. Aka can’t make food that my partner is happy with/amazed at. 

I don’t want to live for approval yet they’re so important to me. 

I want to make people happy for selfish reasons, it’s time make myself feel good and happy.  I expect people to be happy when I try to make them happy.  Even though I hate having that expectation put on me. 

I feel like a failure when I can’t make people happy.  

I WANT to hate myself right now, not doing so makes me feel like a liar and a pretender. 

I can’t tell truth from emotionally charged..not lies but…confusion, right now. 

I want to believe that im not that bad but I can’t.  

I wish I had the power to fix everything and make everyone happy.  So that they can finally have time for me. 

That last line isn’t true.

So that I won’t feel useless. 

I don’t know anymore. 

Verbalize the darkness 

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