Unloading 


Reflecting and unloading is so important for me because if I don’t externalities my thoughts, I feel like they aren’t really and haven’t been solidified and properly addressed…Basically I’ll forget what I’ve worked out and figured out if I don’t externalize.

And also because I just enjoy sharing about me and how I deal with myself in a safe space.  The whole being understood thing.  

Anyways. 

So we first couldn’t sleep because our insecurity flared up when pebbi said he said a sleep over and will let me know what time to come over today. 

Haha the outside is going: what is wrong with that!?

So I isolated that it made me feel u special and unimportant. The unhealthy thinking was that it was my day, he said he really wanted to catch up with me and missed me…but is basically letting his time with another person cut into time that was specially set aside for me.

I also felt like my time wasn’t respected. And that this action reflects that he didn’t think of me or take me into consideration. 

Oh god verbalizing it, I now see the actual stupidity.  

Now it’s normal to feel and think this way, the feeling is valid but also upsetting me and goes against my values. 

This thinking all boils down to my fear and insecurity of not being special to him, being replaced…it stems from my self worth issue. “If I’m worthy he’d think of me first and respect my time and give me the same if not more time than others.”

I laughed at myself at that.  How did that even sound logical in my damn brain!? 

Brain I love you though. You just work better when your ram is freed up from all these thoughts being externalized. 

First of all, people don’t respect your time or think of you because of how worthy you are. People act around you not based on YOUR worth but their own habits.  I try not to waste anyone’s time, even those whom I think aren’t worth my time because of my values that one should always respect the time of others.  

Now I don’t think it’s right to disrespect the time of others but I won’t force others to adopt this value, especially not in action because, well, plenty of people disrespect other people’s time for reasons beyond their control.  No one is intentionally disrespectful  (usually), some, like my mom just has no perception of time. 

Pebbi has no perception of respecting time, not of himself or others because he’s the spontaneous sort.so he’s not…making me unimportant, he’s just…being himself.  

So now what’s improtant for me is figuring out how to manage the act of never having my time respected. Because that’s all I can do. 

So I naturally have ‘have my time respected’ as an expectation, and also the ‘if you love me and miss me you’ll want to see me now’ expectations. I don’t even want to address the second one cause I already realize how unhealthy and needy and stupid it is. But since it appeared in my head, I will note it down anyways. 

Addressing it, basically I placed my worth and value on him making time for me.   Tying my worth to how people treat me is UNHEALTHY. Bad thinking.  Self worth comes from self love. Appreciate when others treat you well, but know that it’s never got anything to do with YOU but everything to do with themselves. People don’t abuse you because you’re worthless, they do it because they are fucked up and have issues.  Now what really matters is, does the way you’re treated upset you, why and is it hurtful to you. 

Having my time disrespected is generally bad. It’s bad for me. But is this really my time being disrespected or just how I feel? It’s how I feel. Because let’s face it, if I told him I had certain things on or if I needed him to be on time etc.  He won’t.. well..take up my time or take liberties with my time.  Also if I asked, positively?l, that I really missed him and would like more time with him so it’d be nice if he could he on time..he would be. Fact is, I made the effort to accommodate him because…that’s me. So I can’t grudge and say “oh he’s not respecting me or thinking of me” when clearly I made the offer to ‘let my time be disrespected’.

So what, I was subconsciously testing how much I was worth to someone basing on whether or not they’d make time for me even though I made the offer to convenience them? 

O.o

That’s so not healthy a thinking..and I realize I’ve done this so much in the past.  Testing people to prove my worth based on making them choose between me and things. 

Ri, your worth is not tied to how others treat you. It’s a compeltly pointless test and action.  And will not make you feel any better. 

So back to time respected.  In my value system, I do genuinely feel that respecting the time of others is good and therefore naturally have that expectation of others by default.  But it’s an expectation that can be switched off to no harm of me. 

Oh God realization.

I need to give pebbi the sort of love I give annie. 

My love and relationship with annie is the healthiest.  

I’m not trying and never will, to prove or judge my worth by how good or how well a friend I am to her. Our friendship is not something I use to define my worth as a person. (And God forbid, our friendship is so much more sacred and beautiful that a ruler for my self worth). Relationships doesn’t be a ruler for self worth. 

I shouldn’t be with him to have him make me feel like I’m worthy. That’s just healthy level 100000. Relationships are for sharing and making your life more positive and happy. But so many people mistake that for “the relationship should fix me or make me feel better”. 

Yea. No. 

Only YOU can fix you and make yourself feel better. I want to be Annie’s friend and be nice because I just do, it makes me happy, I just..love her. There’s no deserving or anything. We have fun together, we get along.  Most improtant we get each other and don’t judge. 

I said before that love is all, and that acceptance of the soul is the highest form of love. And that we want to be loved because we need to be acknowledged and recognized to know that we exist.  The need to know that we exist is I think a very fundamental need.  

But okay that’s straying  wayy too far. 

So back to relationship with pebbi.  Or a romantic relationship in general. I wanted a relationship like the one in the x man fanfiction  because it was so…natural. no worth no judgement.  Just two people who naturally fell in love and enjoy being together and sharing life together. 

I want to date my best friend.

A romantic relationship is basically dating your best friend but having additional romantic needs (which you don’t REALLY need to be happy, just extra spice) met. 

So my additional needs and wants were to have someone be completely honest and be there for me when I’m down and not judge me for my flaws and also someone to just share life, make each other better, support each other, inspire and be happy. 

So yea, basically like my relationship with annie but with sex and physical affection.  

Oh god that’s why I’m poly. 

My love is basically friendship + sex. (Do we tell pebbi that? Best not…) and okay to be fair I guess a romantic attraction. Which is nice, the contract to make things magical for each other. That tingle in the stomach. 

Friendship is well..not romantic. Hence aromate. I don’t want magical tingly feeling with annie or cass. That feels wrong. Ew. No.

Hahaha  

But I digress. 

My self love comes from me.  

Whether or not I’m at peace with myself and fulfilling my personal needs. 

And okay I love to share all these thoughts discoveries with people, not to enforce but so that they can understand me better and also be happy for me that I leveled up my wise cactus.  (Remember, being understood is a form of love and also a basic need. Because being misunderstood is a denial of your existence and being.)

So uh where were we? 

Right expectations. 

So I can’t expect pebbi to ‘respect my time’, but this expectation is togglable for me. He’s just not a time person, I just am. And I’m just not  tact person so there. 

Honestly..if  I treat this relationship like my relationship with annie…what is there to manage?

There are and should not be any expectations.  Just appreciation. 

I just…deal. 

If I never want annie to be on time, if I need her to i ask. I don’t expect her to rely, if I need her to I ask.  

I think the biggest and most real takeaway about relationships and whether these people are worth your time is that, the willingness (mot sctual ability) for these poeple to be there fkr you when you need them to when you ask for it. 

Pebbi will make more time for it as long as I ask nicely and respectfully. He will be there for me if I ask. He will listen and share if I ask (or even, don’t ask). 

The whole train of thought of trying to even out the expectation  by thinking “oh since he doesn’t respect my time, I can deal by asking if I need time and bringing up and sharing my thoughts and fulfill my need for honesty and trust whenever” is..just as unhealthy.  It’s not a trade off. 

We should just accept and appreciate and not expect. 

I wonder if expectations are tied to self worth and peace with self. We expect because we think we deserve certain things. 

But it’s like…it ia not about your worth. Just don’t be a  idiot and surround yourself with people and things that are bad for you. Link actually hurtful people and situations (Aka abusive people and family or people who project their shit on you ) and surround yourself with peopel who ameliorate your life by being themselves.  It’s okay to have a few relationships that you don’t get hurt but also get none of your needs met. Like..when there’s no give and take, there’s no balance and it becomes a drain.  Your inventory is only so large, don’t buy holes to put it and don’t buy too many useless shit. 

So basically back to my relationship.  

It’s plain and simple.  My worth is tied to me. Not how pebbi treats me, unless he hurts me, abuses me or takes advantage of me…There’s no reason to feel hurt or upset.  There is no need for expectations too because people who love you will love you to be best of their ability.  And most importantly will be willing to be there when you ask and need them.

And appreciate what he does for me , and the additions he does bring into my life, which he does. Great sex (sorry brain still on sex ), someone to enjoy mutual hobbies and share things with, someone to grow and see new experiences with.  

..yea. like we aren’t the same, he can watch horror movies with others and I can travel by myself or with others (and not only stay 3 days in a place). Ultimately we both still want to share these experiences with each other though we know it might not be that person’s cup of tea just because we want to share the joy. 

Another indicator besides willingness to be there for you in the dark tunes.  Desire to share joy with you. 

I’m being so stupid just stubbornly looking how his actions define my worth and forgot to look at the mindset and intentions.  Everybody behaves differently, it’s sometimes the thought that matters.  (There’s no catch all anything. Road to hell is paved with good intentions. I think how harmful said action is is an indicator of whether or not you should disregard the good thought.  Like if feeding me seafood because you love me..then yes i cannot appreciate the thought and let the action slide. I need to tell you to change. Which is what I did with my mom.  And if you love me you’ll be willing to to try!)

All this time, he’s had a good experience, out doing his own things and..you know what? He’s excited to share them with me. Wants to share them with me. Will make time to do so. But like..no one shares the movie with another before the movie ends. You might suddenly start sharing a little in the Centre..but basically.  Look what’s improtant isn’t how much time he’s dedicating to sharing. It’s his desire to share. The experience isn’t complete yet and so he wants to complete it. But he definitely he wants to share with me because he wants to share his joy and excitement and things he learned with me because I’m his life partner. No matter who he hangs out with or what he does, he wants to share those experiences with me. Especially the joy.

Isn’t that what being happy together means? 

I want to drag him restaurants and share pictures and share random thoughts about my day because I want to share the happiness I derived from yummy food or making a new metal discovery or leveling up my wise cactus.  

He wants to see me.

..in fact..I wonder if I should even contemplate the whole “his need is to be selfish”. It makes him happy to be selfish. 

Does he really? It’s actually quite against his nature. It’s a sad kind of happy.  Like I want people to think of me and stuff…but really when I’m allowed to be selfish..it doesn’t really sit well with me cause it goes against my soul. It only pleases the insecure angry vengeful dark side of me.

And I love my dark side, she is my protector but if it is something that feeds her but hurts me…then she isn’t doing her job. Protecting me. -.- it becomes cancer basically. Your own immune system attacking yourself.  Oh god, that’s basically what insecurities and depressions are. Your own immune system attacking you. The things that were supposed to make you have integrity and confidence and protect your from getting taken advantage of turning around to just attack everything in you. Wow. 

You have nothing to share if you don’t have your own life or do fun and interesting things (that makes you happy). Granted it needs to be healthy. I wouldn’t take someone sharing about drugs or getting broke because of prostitution as ‘sharing happiness with me’.
But morally ambiguous things..and I mean morally ambiguous due to our society’s biases. Like annie sharing her shroom experience or pebbi exploring polyamory. We were told shrimps is bad, only monogamy is true love. That’s why there’s a stigma and it felt like he was beings selfish or taking advantage. 

The real uncomfortable question might be: is he taking advantage of me? Or rather defining when he’s taking advantage of me? 

He is doing this because his life was boring, his personal  needs (which i cany fulfill just how he cant fulfill my personal needs) aren’t being fulfilled. He had no happiness to share. So he’s doing his part be be a happy fulfilled person and sharing the exciting journey with me. 

Now this doesn’t mean that tomorrow we don’t watch the videos or set boundaries for how to be there for me, because judging and being contemptuous about stuff that hurts me is harmful. Even if his point was he didn’t want me to be upset and therefore wanted to make me feel like the thing want wroth being upset over.  It’s invalidating and therefore hurtful. There are better ways. 

Why shouldn’t I be happy and equally excited that he’s exicted to share his new experiences with me. The whole ‘he’s not having that experience with me’ or he is having fun with peopel besides me jealousy Bullshit that once again stems from wanting to use relationship to judge worth. If I’m worthy he should have all the fun with me. I wouldn’t want annie to not have fun with other people. Wanting her to not have a good experiences simply because I’m not a first hand part of it is selfish and unhealthy. 

I am actually pretty excited now.  And I feel loved. Coming home to me really means always wanting to share things with me and willingness to be there for me. 

It starts being taking advantage of me when he stops wanting to share these experiences with me, stops sharing any experience with me and instead only with his new chosen other. And stops being willing to be there for me when he is needed, choosing someone else over me in a time of need (an unreasonable choice of course. If she’s suicidal and im just needing to rant then..but if it’s like movies with a girl and I need  a serious talk then…that’s taking advantage.  He puts me first, we’ve seen this carried out. Unhappy serious break up talk and he offered to cancel and postponed movie for it). But still wants to keep me around mainly for sex and companionship. Then it’s taking advantage of me. And that’s not okay. That’s hurtful, there is no love and balance. 

So now we know the line too. Yay!!!!

I think last thing I want to address a little is fairness. The open relationship is only on one side. For now I think it’s okay because I see the dates and people as new experiences. They are experiences I honestly don’t want to have. Even if given the permission, I have no desire to make any effort to find peopel to date..God forbid. The idea of it scares me. Holy fuck. But if it is part of his needs and growth to just experience loving many different people…yea go for it. Unless he stops me from trying new experiences I want (that isn’t harmful). Then it’s really unfair. But okay, he likes dating others and I like travelling (being free) and doing crazy fun stuff. If he doesn’t stop me from trying to lead my way of life, why should I stop his? I think it’ll only need to be addressed if I have the desire to experience dating another person or sleeping around. (Idea is nice..but finding such a person and building trust..the process is just…cannot).  But I don’t have that need. And frankly if I have it, it will probabky be a full on serious romantic relationship in which case I have to be careful about not taking advantage or disregarding him and not be there from him. But there’s no such person who catches my interest so *shrugs* . I do like to play around, or at least the idea of it.so I understand why it’s fun and exciting and I want to share that excitement.  

And if anything does stop being good between us (remember it’s not a comparison…your value is not involved in fucking  sharing of good experiences. Be a good experience,don’t compare experiences. No two experiences are the same)…then okay we are no longer adding things to each other’s life. We should break up.  I will be sad but don’t keep holes an deadweight in your life inventory.if we aren’t meant to be and can’t share or fulfill each other’s needs anymore then…yea it’s time to part ways. 

And isn’t it a GOOD thing to have more people fulfill your needs and wants? I’m just the most solid and permanent source.  But I should be happy if other people are fulfilling wants I can’t fulfill  (my ability to fulfill is also not reflective of my worth.  I don’t fulfill what’s to prove my worth. I fulfill wantss to fulfill my ‘make people hapy’ needs.) And him receiving even more love and people. Who accept him. 

I don’t need to be the special one, I don’t want to.  I am the home base because I’m compatible to be it. I can accept and fulfill the largest number of his needs and wants. Not because I came  first or I’m more worthy.  Wanting to be special to someone is..another tying self worth to others thing. I am a special unique person.  How important it am in a person’s life is not definitive of my worth. It’s definitive of their needs in life thought lol . 

And it works in reverse too. I too reach out, albeit to me study safe circle of friends to fulfill needs and wants (food night, fluffy talks) that he can’t.  Doesn’t mean I love him less or will neglect him. Only if I choose those experiences over his time of need. Or being petty and going “oh you no give me 15 minutes today, I won’t give you 15 minutes top. ” 

It’s not a scorecard. We don’t keep scores. Sharing if experiences and being there for people happens naturally depending on what life throws at you and your way of life and personal needs.  

Just for archiving purposes. Supporting someone falls under willingness to be there. (Unless it’s something horrible that will hurt hurt them like killing or drugs ). 

So yea, it would be nice if it was open on my bed too on a technicality. But it’s really more for his sake than mine. It’s not an experience I have or want right now. But it’s just…if he’s willing to open it up, it also means that he has gotten over tying his worth to the relationship and it will mean that he is comfortable and has enough confidence and tries in the relationship.  Basically it’s just opening it up both ways makes him a healthier person and also means his ‘I no selfish’ is fulfilled.  

I think that’s everything that needs addressing. 

Wow. 

I wouldn’t have been able to see or realize all this if I wasn’t able to let go..well,I’d use the words look past my insecurities. I still need to work on improving sense of self love and be more at peace and comfortable with myself so the insecurities will truly be resolved.  But at least the healthy mindset is there now and we know when we are straying because the insecurities are laying out shit direction signs. Haha. 

So..in action? This means doing my own thing (in do have shit to do ) to be at peace with myself (and though if I didnt have things to do…yay alone time and enjoy experienced I like and makes me happy.)

I think I’m more ready for polyamorous relationships now and I’m proud as its a part of me and a value in me…an identity? I want to I’ve up to. I honestly…no longer think, with this healthier mindset that only closed triad will work or I’m not okay with him honestly having a side relationship. I’d doubt his ability to handle two serious relationship at the same time given his job and current EQ. But on my end we can do poly. The article is right, you shouldn’t have a preconceived expectation about how the poly should look or work, beyond it being safe and consensual. And healthy. If anyone in the relationship uses another party as threats or dates a new person to spite someone..then it’s not healthy and not okay.  

A bigger house also means more space for more ammo and dirt to grow and clean.  Just manage it well and you’ll reap the benefits! 

I’m really glad that im growing and really figuring out healthy relationships and relationships that I want. 

Fact is I get excited by new things and people and new experiences. The sharing fulfills my honesty needs and  novelty fulfills my ‘want things to change’ wants.  I have  feeling the chronic poly phase will stop when the novelty wears off for both of us, more him than me, since it’ll stop spicing up the relationship as much. And I mean…the situation is naughty. I like naughty.   End of story. 

Boundaries do need to be set for respectful purpose. Like my house is our sanctuary.  Unless the other person is coming aboard as a full time family member..it’s sacred. No bringing flings to the house. 3somes..I think hotel might be better too. And of course..my mom.  And once again, the healthy no take advantage boundary . 

I’ll probably have more Posts like this because it’s not that easy to cause away insecurities and unhealthy thinking.  My self love is not at 100% yet, I haven’t mastered taking ownership of my self worth and when I’m tired or low on points it be easy to slip back into negative selfish mode of seeing things. 

But for today? I did good. I won! I grew and learnt. I’m not jealous of insecure that he has a sleepover and it may delay date day because: 

  • This isn’t demonstrative of his love or my worth 
  • He is excited to share it with me so I am to share with him!
  • I made huge growth in relationship self discovery 

Okay,  I’m really done now. Should sleep a bit, there is work…work that I don’t like waiting for me. And yes still have to slowly build my way of life! But we are making progress! 

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