I don’t know if it’s the haze, I’m hoping it’s the haze cause this curtain of gloom hanging over my head is driving me crazy.
I hate all the self-doubt and anxiety and fear that’s been eating at me FROM ABSOLUTELY NOWHERE.
It’s just..so not me.
And we all know I hate being un-me.
I hate that I start doubting myself and the things I do before I even start.
Which starts the vicious cycle of me not doing anything.
I’m doing my best to combat this by getting myself out there, but I feel like a fucking liar.
Like everything I’m doing isn’t real because I don’t actually feel like DOING them but am actually forcing myself to do them just to shake off whatever it is that’s eating at me.
It’s..complicated to explain.
Like on one hand that I’m not doing things because I want to do them, but because I just need to force myself to do them to get out of the funk and be more ‘me’.
On the other hand, I WANT to do things, and I’m doing them right? But then I’m not putting my whole soul into them because of my stupid mood.
I can’t even.
*throws imaginary pillows around*
I hate this. *pouts*
I’m having my workaholic withdrawal symptoms…and the workaholic equivalent of blue balls.
I also hate not being happy.
I mean, I have my pensive, quite, moody/melancholic days. I even have my dark, emo, I want to destroy the world days.
Those are fine.
I hate this..whatever this is.
The closest equivalent I can find for it is you know super humid days before it rains but it DOESN’T rain? That’s how I feel. I’d rather be full blown stormy or sunny, not this…half-assed god knows what I can’t even fix.
*flips table….puts table back because I’m a virgo*