Phantom steps, actual steps.


I’m supposed to be doing the last 3 of my readings for my essay that’s due on Monday.

But here I am blogging because I really need to get it out of my system.

I’ve transferred to 3 different universities, looked at even more and now that subconscious part of my brain has already decided to drop out. I am 12 months away from finishing my degree, 12 months, that’s 4 terms.

With an essay due on Monday, I truly, finally really realized, I.don’t.care.

The whole reason why I’m even working towards a degree is because I spent the last 4 years (half of that time spent looking for colleges and waiting for admission) trying to get one because it’s expected of me. And somewhere along the line, I’m just working towards it because I am so sick of colleges and degrees and I just want to get it over with.

That’s the ONLY reason why I’m even in college now.

I’m not actually learning anything, much less anything I actually need.

I know, 12 months isn’t exactly the longest time in the world, I’ve already spent 4 years on it, what’s another 12 more months wasted?

What do I want to do that I can’t spare another 12 months?

Frankly? I just want to DO something. Like really DO something.

I was chatting with my classmate the other day, sharing stories of my life with her, and it made me realize, all the meaningful, significant experiences I have had in my life were all made during those years and months when I WASN’T in college.

The most defining moment in my life? Happened while I was on a trip (ironically scouting for universities).

Most fruitful trip? Happened while I was NOT in college.

All the skills I have learnt, the RELEVANT skills, filmmaking, photography, Indesign, Illustrator, Aftereffects, Photoshop, Premiere Pro, ALL THAT I learnt when I was not in school.

Perhaps school’s only redeeming quality was that on occasions when projects called for it, it forced me to pick up those skills and use them for something.

I was going to say that school made me read, academic journals and articles…except I find myself quoting speakers at talks and conferences I went to when I was, you guessed it, not in school, when I am reading these articles and going through class. I find my teachers asking probing questions into topics these people speak extensively about…the only difference being that I can perform a citation and provide quantitative examples with academic readings, but you know what, I don’t NEED to give Harvard Style references when I’m writing a proposal and discussing project ideas. It just needs to WORK.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, I want to DO things.

I miss the days where I made things, REAL things, that made a difference no matter how small.

The bulk of my resume, my work, my CV, ALL of it was made when I was out of school.

Networks I’ve made, people I know, stories I’ve collected, experiences I’ve had, all of them were outside of college.

I don’t want to stop learning, I don’t want to stop my education, but university is doing NOTHING for my education. Nothing at all.

I miss seeing things come to life.

I miss doing things that actually matter.

I miss the excitement of delving into something new.

I miss being changed by failures and experiences.

I miss that rush of achievement when I actually finish an event, a project.

Hell I even miss the stress-filled, sleepless nights.

I miss actually being challenged, doubting myself, and feeling elated when I’ve proven my worth and humbled when I see where I really stand and what I need to improve on.

I miss living.

So yes, it’s just 12 more months, but that’s 12 months of my life I will never get back.

12 months of my life that will remain woefully blank.

12 months of stories I could have had but never wrote.

And, realistically, 12 months of money I will be saving.

I’ve already started playing with the ideas of taking the reins of my education.

And I’ve realized I will actually learn things.

Have actual projects and experience under my belt.

Hone actual skills.

Read things that are relevant.

And a degree is nothing if not a piece of paper that tells people what you can do.

Well a CV does just the same.

I’d be more than happy to provide my ‘self-taught curriculum’ to people, and what I lack in certification I can make up with recommendation and actual results.

I have half a mind to just not do that essay and go to bed now cause…well I don’t really need to do that essay do I?

But I will, because I’m responsible like that.

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Phantom steps, actual steps.

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