No I don’t want your fucking opinion


Before I even start bitching, and I have put this off for far to long.

No I don’t want your fucking opinion.

See the last time I bitched on my blog a very kind hearted soul tried to offer some condolences and support, except said kind hearted soul knows nothing about me and as such gives very shitty words of comfort.

No it doesn’t make me feel better when you compare your life to mine or just lump every shitty thing in my life as “oh life in Singapore is hard.”

My life, in ANY DAMN COUNTRY IS HARD.

Fucking hell.

No one’s life is easy, but if I’m continuously forced to compare my life to people less fortunate than me, all that’s going to do is make me feel like a piece of shit, because even though I rationally know that I’m better off, emotionally when shit happens you just can’t help but feel bad, but apparently I have no right to feel bad.

Just thinking about this makes me pissed off as fuck.

Anyways.

I just consulted the best counselor/psychologist for me…me.

No really, I swear there’s this version of myself living in my head with the lab coat and a comfy chair with a clipboard who literally counsels me.

And she’s really really good at it too.

I just wrote out a patient diagnosis for myself.

I don’t really want to type it all out again, it’s all very raw, sensitive and direct and shit.

Long short short, I’m stressed.

Yea, like that’s news.

And…okay I kind of got my bearings to at least vomit something that is coherent.

Every one around me that I know just keeps telling me that I’m stressed.

I FUCKING KNOW I’M STRESSED, LIKE I NEED YOU TO TELL ME THAT!?

Then following that most people tells me that I’m always stressed because I’m always busy because I’m a workaholic who likes to be extremely busy.

Excuse me people, I’m a workaholic who likes to be SUSTAINABLY BUSY and SUSTAINABLY stressed, does any of this shit look SUSTAINABLE TO YOU!?

There is a HUGE difference with irresponsible workaholics who like to whine and bitch about their life when they have a fucking CHOICE about it, they asked for all that crap, I DIDN’T.

And when people tell me, “oh you DO have a choice”.

Yea, let me watch you make a dire, drastic life-changing choice with immense repercussions and consequences like it’s a CHOICE.

So fucking unfair.

And for the last time, yes I know life is unfair.

But why must I, or any person for that matter, be measured against logical, standard social and moral rulers in their moments of extreme human weakness?

It’s like saying, I’m lazy when I’m sick and bedridden and therefore can’t do much, that is so fair.

Any bitching, whining that somehow is a selfish whine against laws of nature WILL BE SUSTAINED IN THIS COURT.

I’m a depressed, stressed and upset victim.

I think the world can cut me some slack today in the areas of sympathy and understanding and all that bullshit “good” people are supposed to be.

I always cut people slack in such areas when they’re done, no one seems to cut me any.

It always comes back to a round-about way of saying “well you asked for it”

What the fuck did I ask for.

A self-centered mom?

A life of instability?

Morons populating the earth?

I assure you, my wishes all the time any time are in no way related to these things.

I’m stressed and annoyed now because, yes I’m busy, but I’m busy with shit I don’t fucking want to busy with and paying high emotional expense to deal with shit I don’t want but HAS to.

I honestly don’t consider any of my “busy-ness” productive or constructive in anyway.

They’re all just causing me a world of pain and stress.

Here is what being PROPERLY and SUSTAINABLY busy mean.

You’re busy but you don’t feel like someone’s sucked out your soul, unplugged you for the source of all energy in life and perpetually feel like shit.

You should feel fulfilled, energized and productive, despite the occasional physical exhaustion which should heal right up after a good night’s sleep.

Any stress should be NORMAL and can be vented over simple things like working out, talking to friends.

Perpetual paranoia, anxiety and fear honestly doesn’t seem to me like standard stress.

I CAN’T SLEEP, I CAN’T THINK, I FREAK OUT AT ALMOST EVERYTHING, I’M ALMOST ALWAYS FEELING MISERABLE AND LIKE SHIT, I HAVE NO ENERGY, I’M EXHAUSTED ALL THE FUCKING TIME.

Now can I please be officially declared as “Not Okay?”

I have to feel bad for not using any little time I have left to sleep (and horrible sleep that is) because I’d rather use that little bit of time to do stuff that I actually like, that actually gives me solace.

Why must I be made to feel bad to do stuff that’s GOOD FOR ME.

Seriously, I don’t know and I don’t care whether people around me honestly thinks or feels this why when they say all the irresponsible shit they say that always makes me feel worse, but basically this is what I’m getting.

“You asked for all this shit and deserve to be miserable, anything you do that makes you happy is selfish and wrong.”

<insert rage mode>

Yea.

I go to talk to my mom about transferring to a different Uni, before I even broach the subject, she goes in this expectant judgemental voice “You want to go overseas to study?”

NO I’M NOT, I ALREADY MADE MY FUCKING CHOICE TO STAY HERE AND BE YOUR BITCH.

Such faith mom, such faith.

I merely wanted to bounce the idea of changing to a DIFFERENT SCHOOL, IN THIS DAMN COUNTRY, which may be a little more expensive but I’ll either graduate at the same time if not faster and spend my school time learning more stuff, and at the very least if I wanted an internship, that course would give me more options.

Yes I made the choice to put up with Lasalle’s shitty curriculum, but that’s because it offered:
-cheap degree
-graduation in 3 years (by 2016)
-more free time.

Here’s what it’s giving me:
-HIGH HIGH HIGH emotional expense
-absolutely abusing and disrespecting my time.

So what’s wrong if I look at another option at a slightly higher monetary cost, same graduation time frame and less emotional expense with better payout?

Nothing!

But what do I get?
“Won’t they ask why you keep changing schools?”

No mom, they won’t, only YOU give a damn.

AND IT STRESSES ME AND HURTS ME.

Look woman, I’m stuck in your company, end of story, I’ll put up my end of the bargain, can you STOP EYEING ME AND DOUBTING ME AT EVERY TURN.

Totally doesn’t help with the self-worth and appreciation department.

No matter who I talk to and what I say, I’m made to feel that doing anything that’s good for me but not good for the company or makes me less busy and miserable than I am now is WRONG.

That makes me feel very horrible.

I don’t quite know how to put all this into words anymore.

Annie keeps telling me to transfer to Melbourne.

I keep telling her I can’t.

I’m not sure if she grasps how hard is it that I can’t.

I understand that she’s being helpful and supportive I really do.

But then honestly we have very different family background and familial obligations.

Hers is a simple relationship, her parents support her and what she does.

Mine…tries to support me, but when push comes to shove, I have to be sacrificed, and in the long run, I must choose this course of action or have MORE shit to deal with.

It’s just…not that easy.

I won’t say I made a choice grudgingly, I made the best choice I could, but I can’t be happy with it because it wasn’t really even a choice, it’s like saying, “choose, life or death.” Yea such choices. I’m obviously not going to choose the BIGGER fuck up, but if I’m saddled with the smaller one, then how on earth is it a crime to try and make it more bearable? Why is it that if you choose Hard Mode, then you must henceforth make all the choices which makes you MORE miserable. It’s as if in Zelda, because you’re in hard mode, and the monsters are WAYYYY harder to kill, you MUST use the shitty woodword, have no shield and only 3 hearts, when you CAN get a masterword, or else everyone would make it their life’s mission to make you feel inadequate and miserable. AS IF HARD MODE ISN’T HARD ENOUGH ALREADY!

Then there’s the comparison.

I fail to see how comparing other people’s misery to me makes me feel better.

It either just makes me feel more useless and shit or like my problem isn’t important.

But I’ve ranted enough about that all the past times.

If I had to summarize this post…this post is a person’s very resigned cry of anguish and indignance before he or she falls apart.

I don’t even know why I need to justify that I really really really need help and rest when I’m sitting in my office trying my hardest not break down because I have a shoot in 30 minutes.

For the last time, I WANT to realx, I WANT to rest, I KNOW I need to.

Don’t tell me shit I already know, like I don’t know them and refuse to do them.

I would if I could, problem is I CAN’T.

And it doesn’t make shit better if the root of my problem tells me that.

I’ll be right as rain once you stop fucking up my life.

I’ll hold onto my precious piece of personal self-consultation diagnosis paper, because it’s the only proof I have that I’m actually TRYING fix myself…and everything, when everyone is denying that I am.

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No I don’t want your fucking opinion

One thought on “No I don’t want your fucking opinion

  1. Annabelle says:

    *huggles* I’m sorry you’re feeling so stressed :<

    And I'm sure you do know that when I tell you to transfer to Melbourne I'm joking- I obviously understand your obligations to your company and all the other reasons you're staying here!

    I wish there was any magical piece of advice or spell I could give you that will generate a sentient creature that goes around slapping anyone that stresses you out (probably including myself a fair bit lol) with a giant frozen fish, but I'm afraid I'm not a wizard and all I can do is shower you with huggles and love 'cos I'm good at that ❤

    And you're probably (well hopefully) feeling better since this post came from like 1-2 days ago, but here's a ridiculously stupid and incredibly vulgar video that will hopefully make you laugh so hard you nearly pee yourself (because that's kind of what happened to me, but then again I have a very stupid sense of humour hahahaha)

    Enjoy! Love ya *glomple* (that's a glomp + a huggle (and a huggle is like.. a snuggle hug, so a glomple = glomp + 2(hug) + snuggle)

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