Home bitter home


I’m finally back in Singapore.

For someone who has been eager to return, I’m very depressed to be back home.

To be fair, my main reason and desire to be back home is because of my boyfriend and my fluffies.

Even since before departure I’ve not been looking forward to returning to work.

It’s just such a mess.

It’s so messed up that I can’t tell if it’s because I’m a bad producer or because the company itself is just a mess.

It’s like I feel like I’ve gotten my end of things straightened out, I’ve done what I have to do. But then things always get messed up. It’s as if if I don’t go above and beyond my responsibilities, things will blow up in my face.

I’m really sick and tired of that.

It’s insanely stressful…

Quite literally, the moment I step off the bloody plane, I’m bombarded by things I thought I resolved or have sorted out previously. And if there were problems, the schedule is there, on the wall for two weeks, people could have asked well in advance. And not while I’m on the plane.

And it really irks and stresses me, that I set up these little systems but then no one except myself follows. I realky would like rules and guidelines to abide by, some clarity will be nice. Everything is so ambiguous, half the time I feel like I’m dealing under the table instead of actually working, yet I’ve got the stress and responsibilities of actual work.

Note how the actual work itself isn’t the problem. It’s the people, things I can’t control.

I am so fed up with this issue.

Since I started work it’s been so, I’ve been dancing around this issue.

I want a clear contract, a clear payment statement and such. At least just to make things legitimate.

It even irks me more that I’m so frequently ignored/overlooked in the communication chain until shit happens then people look for me to solve it when I could have just prevented the issue.

Of course you can say that I should just actively keep myself in the loop. But like I said, that just means unless I go above and beyond what I have to do, nothing gets resolved. This can’t be right. And with the amount of things I already have, even more so.

And there are so little considerations for my time and things. I have school starting on Monday and because I couldnt secure a few days off, I had to skip orientation for my vacation. And so, getting right off the plane, before I even got my bearings and it’s one day before school starts, I’m piled up to the neck by people’s problem.

Is it me, am I just terrible?

I don’t know.

I’ve given my heart and soul, blood and sweat to this work.

It’s never enough.

If it isn’t then please find someone who is. I’m too tired.

I’m going to die young from insomnia and anxiety attack, I didn’t used to be this fucked up really. Oh and blind, I forgot blind, from immense eye pressure.

I can’t do this anymore. I just cant.

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Home bitter home

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