Tomorrow (or rather in 13 minutes) will mark the start of my latest next week of hell.
And I’m a little down.
I feel like life is bogging me down, (though chances are its probably me bogging life down).
I’m not happy with anything, I’m stressed, I’m tired and I feel terrible.
I’ll probably feel better if I work out and not having time is Just an excuse. I’m just too lazy and demotivated to do so.
I’m doing work that I don’t want to do, that I’m not committed to that I feel responsible for that isn’t going the way I think it should but is out of my control. I’m probably going out of control with my crazy moods and driving everyone insane. I can’t help it, I don’t have much coping machrnisms right now cause I have no time and no energy for them. I feel bad for getting all insecure or snapping at people randomly, its just pent up frustrations from being stuck in this funk.
I havent eaten properly, slept properly and exercised properly which is a problem too.
I guess I just hate it that something I don’t like is taking over my life and I have no choice. I can’t drop what I’m doing cause It’s for my mom and if I did, I’d feel like a total asshole for abandoning her in this time of need.
I do try de-stressing but I feel guilty when I play games or rest because there is so much to do but I’m so frustrated that everyone else is holding progress back.
And its really hard when no one truly understands or sympathizes with me. I mean sure I tell people about my problems, but at this juncture, shit like I have faith in you, things will get better is bullshit.
It won’t get better because my family life is nothing but work and I can’t cut myself from my family life. I don’t have my own life, I’m always tied down to my mom and even when I’m thousands of miles across the ocean she is still tying me down. Everything she chooses to do ends up consuming my life one way or another. either I get roped in to help or that is all she ever talks about and all she ever does.
I feel so stuck and stagnant and there is no end in sight. So what if school starts? I’ll still be involved in this mess that I don’t want to be. Yea, silver lining is that its good for experience and my resume but I wonder if this even truly qualified when its more like some cricus act meets child’s play where nothing is done properly and professionally.
I just wish, for once in my damn life that my mom was stable so I can finally get my own life and do stuff I want to do. Or at least relax in peace. Without her taking over projects I start and things I do. Without me having to worry because people around her are complete idiots.
I wish I didn’t have to pull late nights just to spend some time with my boyfriend, I feel so terrible everytime he has to compromise because I work 24/7 and is always on call or worrying about work.
I don’t think its even called work,its more like a bloody obligation, failure is not an option. It’s a vortex taking up my life and there is no way out because I’m bound to it by family obligation, by my need for income, for the resume and most importantly, to at least have peace of mind that at least I tried to make things stable,make them better.
But then I realize, pathetically, that if this was taken away from me suddenly that I’d feel worthless because that’s whats been defining my worth. Work. I need to do things to prove myself. Of course ideally itd be something I love or want to do or if not then at least with a lot less strings attached.
I’m just lost and confused now…and stressed, and tired and is having self-worth issues.
It scares me that when I turn around and look back that everything that I have ever achieved, that defines me, was for someone else. Never myself.
I hate feeling all jealous of everyone else with their little tidbits in life on facebook with their cycling photos, cooking, shopping and whatnot. Spending time doing what they love, enjoying those small things in life.
Because I miss those afternoons where I’d go out to visit new restaurants, explore new malls and hidden streets. I miss the days where picking up a camera was for fun, not for work and I’m not judged for what I make. I miss experimenting with food, making and baking new things. I miss making music, and singing and dancing, even though I suck at it. This stupid vortex is just consuming all these little happy things in my life and making so miserable.
And I feel so damn confined, that everyone around me is moving on with their lives, but I’m still here, chained to my mom and her whims and her life, while she moves on with hers ans dragging me into whatever it is that she got herself into. I’d at least feel good if she was happy doing what she does but she isn’t. Then what the hell am I suffering for damnit!
But reality is, I have a shoot tomorrow and the day after that and the day after that and the weather may not cooperate though I pray it does. So I need to sleep.