Please read the foreword to this before continuing reading. No, you will not pass this point without clicking that blue link, CLICK IT. Good.
I have concluded that when it comes to birthdays, there are two kinds of people, birthday people and un-birthday people. By un-birthday people, I don’t mean celebrating un-birthday days like in Alice in the Wonderland (cause if they DID then the world would be so much happier! And everyone a lot poorer). I mean people who think of birthdays, even their OWN birthdays as any other day in the year and don’t celebrate it.
HOW CAN YOU DO THAT!
IT’S A FREAKING BIRTHDAY! THE DAY WHERE YOU WERE PARTIALLY SQUEEZED, PARTIALLY DRAGGED, COVERE D IN BLOOD AND OTHER DISTURBING SUBSTANCES, OUT INTO THIS WOLRD TO BRING (plague) THIS WORLD WITH THE JOY (and annoyances) THAT COMES WITH YOU! It’s the day that symbolizes your existence, the reason when you are standing (or sitting or lying down or walking or <insert verb>) here right now! How can that not be a big deal?
Without your birthday you wouldn’t exist, I don’t know, I’m sure everyone, even those depressed emo suicidal peeps, finds some importance in their own existence, so how can you say birthdays aren’t important? I mean, I can understand not wanting to be a year older (really I can, because I know until the day I die, I’ll always be a kid at heart) but birthdays isn’t about age. (REALLY!? IT’S NOT?) Okay so legally it is. But it’s also so much more than that! It’s the day where you can pig out on cakes, get free gifts and be loved and treated like someone who matters! How can anyone just throw all that out the window!? I mean if you think that your birth is no big deal on your half, at least think of your mom, celebrate it for HER, give HER the presents and cakes because she did after all carry you, a parasite, around for 9 months before she popped you out in DIRE pain at the risk of her own LIFE! How is any of that NOT A BIG DEAL!? SERIOUSLY!
But really un-birthday people, you know what’s my biggest problem with you? Not letting other people, aka us birthday people make a big deal out of your birthday. Here’s the deal, we WANT to make a big deal out of it because you ARE a big deal to us and we want to SHOW YOU how important you are to us and MAKE YOU HAPPY because you MADE US HAPPY. By brushing it all off in all your stupid, indifferent, slightly snobbish ways, you’re basically throwing all our good will, care, friendship and love in our faces and telling us you don’t give a flapping duck’s ass about how we feel about you and how important you are to us. Gee thanks, we feel SOOO appreciated.
I don’t understand you guys, I really really don’t. You say you don’t want people to waste time or money or effort on you, that you don’t want to trouble people. Yes well to us birthday people, celebrating someone’s birthday ISN’T trouble, asking us NOT TO, IS TROUBLE. It’s not like you’re going around bugging people to celebrate your birthday like this and like that, people are doing it cause they want to, and to treat all this good will as time wasted is just plain disrespectful and RUDE. RUDE YOU HEAR ME!
You know why birthday people like to celebrate birthdays, not just their own but everyones? Because it makes people HAPPPY, it’s a joyous occasion. We like celebrating birthdays because we like to see the birthday boy and birthday girl feel special and be happy, we want to know that we’ve managed to show our appreciation to this special person and make this special day the happiest day of their life (or as close as it can get). If they’re happy, we are happy and if the celebration is a happy one then everyone is happy and WHAT DO YOU WANT TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BEING HAPPY!???? TELL ME WHY!
And don’t you feel that wonderful sense of achievement and accomplishment when you’ve managed to make someone’s birthday special? Sure it sounds self-gratifying but I don’t see what’s wrong with a little self-satisfaction when you’re bringing joy or doing good to someone else at the same time. Why must you suffer to make someone else happy? Isn’t it better if everyone feels satisfied and content? So un-birthday people, listen up. We Birthday People, LIKE to rack our brains for birthday surprises and celebrations, we like to spend our money on a special gift, WE LIKE BIRTHDAYS!
I know from experience that it’s almost impossible to convert un-birthday people, so despite all my propaganda above, I shall not try but at least respect birthday people’s wishes to make a fuss out of your birthday. We just want everyone to feel loved, special and happy. And really, think about it, if you have kids in the future, kids you love, not kids you want to shove to the orphanage or flush down the toilet (really if you feel like doing the latter, I don’t know why you ended up with a kid and you sure as hell don’t deserve one), on their birthday, wouldn’t you want to make them feel special and loved and HAPPY? Wouldn’t you want to celebrate the day when your bundle of joy was born? Birthdays are IMPORTANT and SPECIAL and IMPORTANT. Little kiddies whom have somehow managed to get your hands on this profanity abound book, remember what Chocomon says, BIRTHDAYS ARE IMPORTANT, don’t ever forget it and don’t let anyone convince you otherwise!!!
On a side note, if I ruled the world, I would declare un-birthday tendencies against the law and punishable by death, really I will. FREE CAKES AND GIFTS AND CANDLES!! What is wrong with you people who hate it all!?