Please read the foreword to this before continuing reading. If you have already read the foreword then read on!
I just finished my gym session and recuperated by eating 3 scoops of haagendaz ice-cream without guiltb ^-^V, yes you jealous people with flab out there! As someone who is training muscle strength, I can skip out on cardio training, eat as much ice-cream and desserts as I want as long as I remember to nom my protein. So ok, raw eggs are cheaper but I believe in paying for taste. At any rate, though you can’t see it, because of Microsoft word’s awesome autocorrect and my editor (if this was a book)’s sheer awesomeness, there are more typos than usual. Why?
Let me summarize how my body feels like right now and holy crap I just typed the like after feels without even thinking that I should, my muscles just spasmed it out!! In short, I feel like some little green grey alien people thingy with huge head and bug eyes have hijacked my nervous system, numbed my pain nerves, installed little nanomachines that corresponds to their tiny remote controls which has a huge red button that says “SPASM” on it, causing every muscle in my body to spasm involuntarily every few seconds. And I think I’m getting a cram from pressing backspace so many times, I never knew you could get muscle crams from typing @.@….riight but before I muse about my pain which I’m masochistically enjoying to some twisted degree, let me muse about something else.
You know how gym equipments have quick start? Well I don’t really get why it’s there and why can’t they just put it as ‘start’ because where’s the slow start? There should be a slow start if there’s a quick start right? If not why can’t it just be a start? Or does start sound less cool to the almighty gym god who wants to sound intelligent behind all his testosterone and bulky muscles…and uh maybe I should shut up now before the gym god decides to punish me by restoring flabbiness to my body…right. Let us wriggle our cute butts to the next point of this awesome installment of pointless ranting!
STOP!! YOU HAVE NOT WRIGGLED YOUR BUT!! THOU SHALT NOT PASS HATH THOU NOT WRIGGED THOU’S CUTE BUTTOCKS!!!!!!
Ok I know you wriggled and if you lied, YOU SUCK. I know, aren’t I just so entertaining? My awesome attempts at making this book interactive, see how many authors speak to their invisible readers who will never see her face much less talk to her!!! Thank you, I am awesome!!! >-<
Cool, now that our butts have wriggled to the right point along with the rest of our not so wriggly bodies. I really wonder sometimes, why do we torture ourselves so by PAYING to get our muscles to ache for days to come, drink disgusting protein shakes and do painful workouts again? I used to belong to the party of, ‘Why the hell do you pay to go to gym when you can work out by yourself?’. Well that concept worked for staying fit, not building muscle mass so you can achieve one hand cartwheels painlessly (which is why I’M headed to gym). Anyhow, I’m actually happy that I’m sore all over and that I’ll probably not be able to make it off my bed tomorrow without rolling my pathetic ass off the mattress and landing face flat on the floor in the process. But I’m happy. Because well, ok, you paid the gym and the secretly evil trainers who smile while they watch you lift all that heavy shit repeatedly so that you’ll lose your flab and well…look like them. So if you don’t feel a thing, it means you didn’t exercise, which means you didn’t get worked out and since the PRODUCT you paid is to be EXERCISED (which we all know is just euphemism for being TIRED and ACHING), if you don’t feel that way YOUR PRODUCT IS DEFECTIVE AND QUALITY CONTROL IS NOT IMPLEMENTED! YOU’RE NOT GETTING VALUE FOR MONEY (and once again almighty IB shows it’s lasting impact on the innocent mind). So though I feel like my muscles have just atrophied itself and that I don’t feel in ANY way any healthier or stronger, I feel that I’M GETTING VALUE FOR MY MONEY!!!!! Which makes me happy despite the pain, long story short? Pain is happy. See the screwed up-ness of summarizing?
Moral of the story? I just tried to go to subway to take away a foot-long sub as my lunch/dinner, but because of my awesome 3 scoop haagendaz, I can’t go in because stupid stores have all these crazy rules about how you can’t bring outside food in even if you’re patronizing their pitiful store which doesn’t sell the 40% fat goodness known as lovely ice-cream. Hence I figured ‘I’ll just buy some noodles from the supermarket’s sale at the event space’, but I remembered I need some fresh foods, AKA MEAT to go with that. And since I know that it’s not realistic to go INTO the supermarket itself to pick up fresh meat, I ACTUALLY THOUGH TO GO INTO 7/11 AND BUY SAUSAGES! You know, meat that’s been processed and stuffed into other meaty substances to make looong looking meat lengths known as sausages. I CAN’T BELIEVE FOR A MONENT THAT I CONSIDERED SAUSAGES AS FRESH MEAT!! I mean…and the worst part is I was just enlightened about it today. I’m sure right now you’re JUST realizing it too. NO, 7/11 canned sausages or even your chicken cocktail DON’T QUALIFY as FRESH MEAT, they’re PROCESSED FOODS JUST like your INSTANT NOODLES and CANNED SOUP! Oh my gawwd, I can’t believe I thought even for a SECOND that SAUSAGES qualified as FRESH MEAT…look at the depths to which I have fallen to T.T