This is an important question to answer whenever life seems to be a complete mess.
What makes you happy?
Well since I’m talking to myself, it’s actually what makes ME happy.
Going to Disneyland makes me happy
Theme parks generally make me happy
Singing makes me happy
Music makes me happy
Yummy food makes me happy
Cooking makes me happy
Games make me happy
I guess anything that is fun, brings happiness, dreams or inspiration makes me happy.
And if it’s not obvious enough why I’m asking this question then lets make it obvious, I’m not happy at the moment.
(Yes I feel the need to rationalize and resolve everything.)
In terms of my personal life…I’m stressed because of my mom and my friends. My mom is being…herself. Which means she’s ONCE AGAIN, disregarding her health, being irresponsible, unreliable and immature and thus causing me stress. You’d think someone her age can take care of herself and give me some peace of mind. My friends? They aren’t really causing me any grief…they’re just unavailable when I AM in grief, well that applies for everyone really. I basically have no outlet to de-stress, talk about stuff and just…you know get all that negative energy out of my system. That is of course not healthy! (And yes, my throat, head and stomach have no problems letting me know this fact). Sadly sympathy is in low supply these days. And yes, I have the whole college dilemma and my future dilemma (I know I want to work for Disney, open Solosky and build my own theme park but…getting there? rawr.)
In terms of my work life? Well I guess this is where all the stress is coming from. Don’t me wrong, as an avid event planner and producer, work stress is part of something to ENJOY. It’s kind of like how skydiving is fun because it’s so bloody scary. The whole reason why event planning and producing films and things are so fun is because of the stress. Meeting deadlines, getting that HUGE list of things ticked off, you know? Achievement and satisfaction of making something happen from nothing. So when someone PITIES me because of this stress, I do get very pissed off. My joy is pitiable….pffft.
That said, my unhappy stress comes from UNSOLVABLE problems aka PEOPLE. (when is it NOT people for me?) I’ve realized that all the people working with me are taking my project and my idea away from me, taking my control away from me and it IS my project. Problem is no one wants to take the responsibility for it either. So it’s kind of like, I made a knife, I want to slice fish with this knife but then these people comes around sees a pretty knife, takes it without my permission and stabs someone, comes back and tells me to take responsible for the person’s death.
UNFORTUNATELY for me, I’m not in a position to screw any of them over simply because they don’t MEAN to, they’re all just TRYING TO HELP. Good intentions, bad execution…typical scenario. And if I could I would have told them to at least direct their good intentions in the right direction BUT NO ONE LISTENS. So basically my baby is being dragged all over the place, things are being fucked up literally and it’s not my fault at all but I am responsible for the mess. I would really wanna suck it up and say, well I’m the leader so it’s my responsibility, but it’s kind of like, you’ve done ALL you can to make sure people listen to you, follow your instructions, get things to work, solve the problems and NO ONE IS LISTENING, I’ve tried EVERY WAY it just isn’t working…at some point you have to realize, though perseverance is a good thing, you also need to have enough common sense to know that maybe instead of trying to whip cream with a spoon, you’re better off with a fork or a whisk. Persevering with the wrong tools is stupidity.
I thought that it’s because the project that made me unhappy, because of what it has become. Being incorporated and all that..and the changes. But I realize by considering EACH of the things the project actually entails, running a website (with tons of media content), organizing a FUN youth forum (aka event planning…with performances and everything!!), planning trips and exchange programs, these are things I LOVE to do, they make me happy. Sure I bitch and groan when I have to design stuff but…after I’m done with it, I’m happy. It’s one of those bittersweet things in life and I love dark chocolate. Nothing about my project makes me unhappy, at all!
It’s honestly, really JUST THE PEOPLE. Because they are not doing what this project requires they do. They aren’t doing what they should be doing, hence I’m forced to do everything that isn’t my project. And I do have a plan, a concrete step by step plan that’s all worked out and we just need to hang in there and EXECUTE IT and everything will be fine. No I don’t need HELP. I need people to FOLLOW INSTRUCTIONS and WORK. And if these people cannot do this, then they can NOT work on this, I’m not about to go into war with the wrong bunch of people and lose a fight. You fight to win, not fight for the sake of fighting. I should be presenting things, contacting schools, finding locations, designing the set up, planning shows etc. but what am I doing? Being asked to write this proposal, make that information packet. And why? Because my people don’t fucking listen to me when I explain things to them and tell me they can’t do it, they have no time or they don’t get it. I really have NO TIME to teach people. Oh yes, I DON’T WANT to teach people, that is NOT what i want to do or set out to do.
No wonder why I’m so stressed, I’m wasting my time doing something I dont want to do that isn’t helping what I want to do. (I mean if the teaching worked out then…we should have something shouldn’t we?) And if not wanting to teach people and failing to inspire people makes me a bad leader, too bad. I’ve always been the good evil mastermind/shadow king anyways. That’s my role and I’m fucking good at it. Of course we should always look to improve ourselves but shouldn’t we do that within our area of specialty? It’s fine if a fighter wants to get good at long range and short range or hell even becoming a weapon smith but if he suddenly wants to become good at sewing because he wants to be a better fighter…good intentions wrong wrong direction.
So yes, I am now a thousand times happier that talking to you my lovely blog has helped me come to my senses. I should just have a proper talk with the whole team, get everyone in line and if they can’t, cancel this whole operation, keep the blueprints with me and do it when I meet the RIGHT group of people. I’m sure solosky has space in it’s projects to sort these things out. Because this is crunch time and me PLUS everyone else should be directing our efforts in the RIGHT directions. And if they aren’t going to follow the plan, I don’t plan to start something that is obviously going to fail.
I should be directing the events, overseeing what people are doing, making the presentations, showing face whenever authority is needed, coming up with ideas, setting out plans etc. NOT doing endless mounds of paperwork. And if all these people are not capable of undertaking work they NEED and SHOULD do, then I’m better off operating JUST the website on my own, with a few interested people and do what I do best. Host awesome shows, make kickass videos and have fun.
Yes I need to bring fun, be fun have fun and if I am not doing any of that I am NOT HAPPY.
And if you’re doing work and you don’t get PAID, then you better get HAPPINESS out of it. If you get neither, I’m sorry, I aint a saint. Actually I’m pretty sure saints help people because it makes them happy to see people be in a better position. Humans need MOTIVATION, honestly. No one does something for NO REASON AT ALL and NO MOTIVATION. NOT POSSIBLE
Whee~ Blog thank you for existing, I love you.
Which means I should be plotting what our radio appearance and our material for the program, NOT drawing tables and making actionplans. I’ve listed out the work, the secretary can go do that. I aint the secretary anymore! Come to think of it…I’ve been doing what my secretary self has been doing which since I am NOT a secretary right now, I should NOT be doing.
I NEED KAGE BUNSHIN NO JUSTSU!
Anyways what should I do in my off day today? Get re-inspired by doing all the things that makes me happy? Visit a theme park, eat yummy food, listen to good music and play jubeat, sing a little and dance a little? SOUNDS LIKE A PLAN! (V^-^V)
WHEE~~ yes I am one of those weirdos who have the ability to randomly make myself super happy!! *bounce around in HYPER BUNNY MODE!*
OH YES AND I SHOULD PROBABLY GET MYSELF NEW HAIR CUT, TABLET (because I am waiting for ivy bridge acer timeline m3 AND OR asus N56 to come out.) hehehehehe~