For myself


As far as I am aware, I’m a pretty selfless person. Of course I have my selfish moments, but compared to most people, I’m very willing to compromise myself for other people, especially the ones that I care about.

It’s very easy for me to be happy for people, easy for me to let them go as long as they’re happy…so as a result I tend not to do too much things for myself. I do, definitely, or that is just stupid and evil, but the ratio is pretty low I guess…and it’s the small things I do for myself.

I guess what I’m trying to say is I don’t (as much as possible) string people along with me or force them to do things my way (work aside) or force them to compromise themselves for me and my life. For example if my best friend had to choose between going on a date and hanging out with me, I’ll voluntarily cancel the meeting. I don’t like affecting other people negatively cause of me I guess. All the things I do for myself are usually things that don’t affect people…so my ‘me-time’ is really just me myself and I. That’s the way I like it too.

These days however, I’m really getting kind of pissed off at a few specific people in my life, who can’t BE HAPPY FOR ME or let me have the best for myself even if this means THEY have to compromise. And these are people I’ve honestly done A LOT for, bent over backwards for. And these are people who claim they love me.

I don’t know, if you love someone you want the best for them, which is why I always cooperate to the best of my ability. But here are people selfishly clinging onto me, subtly forcing me to give up on my life just so I can be in theirs, the way the want it to be. On one hand of course, I love them, I want to help them and make them happy, but on the other hand, honestly for once, CAN’T YOU BE HAPPY FOR ME!? Without holding a grudge or feeling wistful about it?

Firstly, it HURTS to know that someone who care so much for, gave up so much for expects you to give up your HAPPINESS and DREAMS just so they can continue to be happy. It’s not right is it? It’s like if they are miserable the world must be miserable with them. I CAN genuinely be happy, and only slightly bothered, when something good happens to them that might make me sad because THEY are happy and ultimately that makes me the HAPPIEST. It’s why my best friend is in Korea with her own life and I’m still happy for her, not being emo about why she is away from me. That’s because I genuinely CARE and LOVE her. (NO I’m not lesbian)

But then here are people claiming they really care and love me and wants me to give up MORE things for them so THEY can be happy. They can’t just BE HAPPY that I AM HAPPY. It’s like my happiness isn’t worth anything to them. Which makes me wonder…are such people WORTH my care, love and consideration? Because when I think about it, whatever they may have to ‘suffer’ because of my ‘selfish’ decisions isn’t that bad…I’ve had to gone through worse, WAY WORSE because of their decisions…but I was okay with it because well they were happy. It’s not END OF THE WORLD basically.

I can’t live by doing things other people want or doing things for other people, then it’s not my life and I won’t be a person. I’ll just be a bi-product of someone else. And if I have to wait for these people to leave me to really start my life…that means for so and so years, I’ve basically not been myself or had my own life…I don’t think that is right. It’s like not having an identity and not existing even though you’re alive.

Like I said, it’s not like I’m selfish ALL the time, I’m generally cooperative. I don’t really see the problem of me occasionally making a selfish decision that is REALLY REALLY REALLY good for me. Only people who hate you don’t want what’s good for you…so when someone’s selfishness outweights their selflessness for me…I have to wonder.

Guess I just needed to rant and see clearly that I shouldn’t feel bad that I want someone good for myself for once. Honestly, unless I’m robbing people of their lives/jobs etc., if something I do dissatisfies someone…why should I care as long as I’m happy? No skin off my back there. If I do something, especially if it’s something big that I need to be committed to, my happiness should be the most important. Even more so if it really doesn’t  physically hurt someone’s life/livelihood. Any dramatic emotional reactions DON’T COUNT, those are just pathetic attempts at being selfish without appearing so.

*SIGH* why are all the important people in my life selfish people who don’t really care about me enough to let me be happy/want the best for me and never will compromise themselves for my sake?

It’s like investing in a dishonest bank, except you can sue the bank.

 

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For myself

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