I know crying doesn’t do anything, but sometimes you just need that 5 minutes to break down so you can function again.
That’s the word I’m using now. Not living, not working, merely functioning. Robotically getting things done, ignoring emotional breakdowns and every other crap that plagues my life.
I’d like to say that I’m not really as whiny as my blog sounds, the whole reason why my blog IS so whiny is because I have no one to bitch to. In my times of need, the only person who won’t ditch me for whatever reason of the week is my blog, though technically it isn’t a person. Another reason why my blog is whiny is because no aside from my blog, everyone doesn’t think I deserve to whine.
I’m not a big fan of wallowing in self pity but SOMEONE’s got to feel bad for me and if others won’t then I will have to. And you ask what’s wrong? At the moment…well I can tell you what’s right, I got my damn printer to cooperate. Did you know I love inanimate objects? Yes they break down, they malfunction and they give you shit but they are FIXABLE. They cooperate as long as you get rid of the problem, be it paper jam, driver issues etc. They won’t go feeling bad for themselves about why they stop working and thus refuse to cooperate henceforth.
Which is something I can’t say for people around me. Well really, since I’m getting shit outta my system, might as well be thorough about it. First and foremost I broke up because my boyfriend’s life is apparently too screwed up for him to give a damn about his girlfriend who is bending backwards to make this thing work, and now after being on the receiving end of breaking up, he finds the need to be depressed and feel bad for himself. He can of course, all humans can, though I don’t see why HE is the one being all down and sad when I’M the one whose been getting my feelings thrown back in my face.
Which leads to my second problem. My best friend. I love my best friend, I really really do. I would give her my life. Actually I would give my life to all the people I love and care for, but they won’t do the same unless they’d be hailed as the next self-sacrificing saint. She is just unlucky to always be good friends with both me and my boyfriend. Makes being the biased best friend role a whole lot harder to play during break up. I hate putting her in a tough spot and she hates making a stand. And you know for girls, it kinda really doesn’t help that you’re depressed that you’ve broken up and your best friend is asking you to UNDERSTAND that your ex is having a hard time too. Compassion is for the happy. I am not HAPPY. I mean, do you REALLY want to hear from your best friend that your ex who has broken your heart into tiny smithereens is the victim and that you should be understanding of them? If he’s the victim, by logic (which no one I know posses) I’m the criminal. And I’m the victim….I mean no one asks those who are in poverty to spare a penny for OTHER people ALSO in poverty so…how does this work again?
And the victim issue really leads to the last issue of the day, problem of my LIFE.
How the fuck do everyone else become the victim while I’m the criminal? Is it because everyone has mastered the skill of looking pitiful? Almost EVERY FUCKING PERSON I know has felt bad for my mom because I got bad at her for majorly screwing up. And they think SHE is the victim because she cries to time. Just because I am pissed off instead of being a sobbing mess doesn’t mean I’M in the wrong. But no one ever sees it that way.
From my best friend to my past boyfriends, even to my mom’s friends and hell, colleges, everyone’s always going “don’t be mad at your mom, she feels bad, you must understand that she blah blah blah” Don’t be mad, DON’T BE MAD!? SHE lies, SHE goes back on her word, SHE is immature, SHE is irresponsible, SHE NEVER FUCKING REPENTS and I can’t be mad?
Oh because she is busy with work? Yea well I’m busy too. Just because I don’t have the title of a fucking CEO doesn’t make me less busy. On to top it off, she doesn’t have the stupid shit I have to deal with on top of my work, HER. She has money when she wants wherever she wants, she will NEVER run into the issue of running a major errand only to find that you have NO money because your mother FORGOT to give you allowance for the month or hell CAN’T give you allowance for the month because she went and gave all the money to your bastard of a dad who didn’t even want the kid to be born because she feels BAD for him. So I have to live off fucking COINS. She will also never run into the issue of having a ride ditch her or people randomly fucking up her daily plan because they casually FORGOT that they had things to do that day. I’d plan my day beautifully and because my dear mother FEELS the need to be motherly, offers to send me somewhere to do something important and I’d be stupid and say yes and then I’d get left alone at home wondering where my ride is only to be informed that ‘Oh I’m on my way to work, why?”
I’d really be less mad if she had apologized and sounded like she remembered her overenthusiastic offer, but NO, she doesn’t even MENTION her offer, she just sounds like it’s completely justified and normal for her to be rushing to a certain appointment and forget her promise, one that she offered, NOT something I ASKED of her. Common sense usually tells me that people only offer something when they CAN give it, not on a whim that they can’t see through.
And really all that is fine. After TONS and TONS of talks and discussions and apologies and yelling and screaming, she feels bad and suddenly gains the faux epiphany that she will now prioritize her daughter for the day (or so she will LOUDLY claim), when you really need her in an emergency, she needs to sit down and finish lunch with her friend. I SWEAR to god, actually I don’t need to swear to god, I KNOW from EXPERIENCE that if I was on the verge of fainting in the middle of orchard road and called her to send me to the hospital, I’d have a higher chance of survival if I called an ambulance or a stranger.
On the topic, people are NEVER fucking there when I need them. In my moment of need EVERYONE’s phone will be out of battery, off, too busy to pick up or some crap. Every activity they’re involved in will suddenly become paramount and inexcusable leaving me to fend for myself.
And should I, god forbid, SNAP and BLOW UP because of all this fucking INJUSTICE done to me, I am the bad guy and they are the VICTIM.
HOW. THE. FUCK. DOES. IT. WORK.
I don’t GET it. Yea, after suffering all that shit, I have to be HOLY and SAINTLY and understand EVERY excuse they can produce and be forgiving because they FEEL BAD. Key word, feel bad, doesn’t mean they won’t do it next time. And every time ‘next time’ happens? I still CAN’T blow up, I must be understanding, and forgiving that they are having a hard time, they have this problem and that issue.
YEA WELL, I HAVE ALL THAT CRAP TOO! So where are the people who are being sympathetic of me huh? Who is pitying me for being alone in my time of me, LEFT TO ROT and fend for myself. Who is asking THOSE assholes to be understanding of me when I am down and crying because I was hurt by their words and actions? Seriously, someone calls me a bitch and tells me to fuck off and my best friend asks me to ‘understand that he is depressed and emotional’. FUCK does it LOOK LIKE I’m in the mood to be a care bear?
And so all I can do is…..feel bad for myself and disown myself from my life. The more I scream and yell and cry, the more I’ll be the bad guy, whilst those who hurt me become the victim. I cry to myself not because I don’t want to burden people, but that when I do, instead of people telling me “It’s okay, it’s not your fault”, i get “well you must understand that they are having a hard time.”
A hard time? Live my life and tell me what a hard time is.
Really I’m done being the innocent VICTIM who keeps getting charged. I look out for people, care for the, stick a limb out for them and they side with people who hurt me and tell me I’m in the wrong. These people don’t fucking DESERVE my concern and consideration. Go worry your ass off, call me selfish, I don’t care, not like you were nice when I was emulating a saint anyways.
Now back to functioning…..must get work done….