I’ve really given this a lot of thought.
Before I start I want to say that I have around 3 back up plans in case things happen, I change my mind etc.
But in general I will go to NYU and new york. Will I like the place? Probably not, but as I’ve always said, I need a new set of problems.
The thing with growing up is that you realize no matter how much things fuck up, stuff are rarely completely someone’s fault, it’s usually a combination of life, luck, simple human condition that creates hell on earth. It gets tiring really, to have no one to blame, but I guess it also makes the world a brighter place in a weird sort of way.
Back to the point. I figured I’ll go. I don’t want to be stuck in this life with recurring problems that I can’t solve or escape that is constantly wearing me down. Distance makes the fond grow fonder, I’ll take a leap of faith in that saying. I’ll probably appreciate my mom more when I’m away. I’ll probably find Singapore more amiable when I’m away. I’ll probably find life more livable when I’m away.
As for life problems…I don’t know, it feels like dorm life, city life all that can be RESOLVED somehow. But many of the things here…they just can’t maybe they never will, but if I go away they may become more tolerable and who knows maybe time will solve things for me.
And even if I stay…and part of me wants to and I have so many reasons to, a big part of me wants my own life now. One where I’m responsible for myself and not stuck being dragged around like a rag doll. I guess there is a will and there is a way, so regardless of how things work, I should probably puzzle out how I can get my own life, get my life sorted. I mean, I’ll admit it, my life is starting to become a mess again, some are backlog some are new crap…and since it’s already screwed, why not face a little more pain and straighten the whole nightmare out?
No one is going appear to sort our crap in your life for you, and anyone who tries will just make it worse, so lets just suck it up and face the music shall we?
Though on a more negative note, I feel like I’m running more on after burning adrenaline and sheer desperation. Ah well, life can only go in two general directions, or ANY direction in 360 degrees but since you can’t do anything about it, it’s easier to just deal with it as it comes.
Yes, I feel very old at the moment.