Guide to my life

When people tell me I don’t know how it is to fend for yourself and live alone, I have this inexplainable urge to slap them with a sharp, pointy and industrial object. I don’t know, I’m probably biased but a person who eats leftover stuffed crust pizza that was both lunch and dinner for breakfast DEFINITELY have the right to join the ‘I’m an independent student living alone in a big city’ boat.

Yes I live with my mom, I have less financial problems than you..MAYBE. I mean when you live alone you’re responsible for yourself, when you live with someone you’re responsible for someone you can’t control, especially more so when it’s your mom.

I keep getting told that if I go overseas I will be out of my comfort zone, face many stresses and hardships and I say: BRING THEM ON! I’LL PROBABLY BE BETTER OFF! For a really good reason too. Ultimately, I’m a virgo, we’re bothered by matters of the principal. And the principal of living with your parent is to NOT be stressed about general livelihood, especially one who is having a remotely successful career. I mean I guess I can understand why some people don’t understand WHY I’m stressed, but just cause I understand doesn’t mean I find it justified.

Look, a typical parent will be responsible for their own spending, earnings as well as the general expenses of the family. Short of economic crises, usually you don’t NEED to stress (if you do, it’s your choice) because they’re well-informed adults who will take responsibility and sort things out, things like remembering to pay bills. Mine, doesn’t.

By doesn’t I mean forgetting to pay bills, not keeping track of her spending and expenses and not giving too much of a damn about it. I mean, WHO WON’T STRESS WHEN THEIR MOM ANSWERS “I don’t know if we have enough but ah well, I’ll just come back and work hard to earn money.” When you ask “do we have enough for this holiday?” I only know one person in my entire social circle who knows how I feel and who also happens to be suffering depression like me. I do not blame him. I mean, worrying about getting allowance for the month is one of the last problems, my first few are: DO WE EVEN HAVE ENOUGH CASH!? And if your mother is someone who can be guilted into giving people money AND keeping said person around because they look reproachful, you KNOW you need to stress.

In kindergarten we’re taught to forgive and forget and in primary school we are taught to understand and forgive; at secondary school we are told that some things are unforgiveable. So you’d expect someone who is over half a century old to know what favors can be given and who to keep away. I JUST WANT TO PULL MY HAIR OUT LOOKING AT MY MOM LIVE HER LIFE!

I really want to say since I can’t control it, then I shouldn’t stress. But it AFFECTS me. When things are bad for her, she comes to ME. And since she has no one to go to, she has no choice-> her favourite excuse. And she finds it UTTERLY JUSTIFIED, to dump it all on me because she is a pitiful character of a soap drama. It’s ALL about sad pasts, people being ungrateful, not understanding…WHEN DOES IT END!? WHAT ABOUT ME! I PUT UP WITH ALL THIS SHIT! Just because I live in nice house and can afford more luxurious stuff doesn’t make all this okay! I shouldn’t have to worry about my parent making bad friends, getting into bad deals; I shouldn’t have to worry about my mom’s mental health and stress levels like I’M the mom, I shouldn’t have to be concerned about family finances like it’s my earnings and my responsibility; I shouldn’t have to be stressed bout MY MOM AT ALL. But you know what I HAVE to because every decision she makes affects my life in the mid-long term. Giving money to my dad=no money for me for college=stresses on daily expenses for the family=financial stress for mom=stress for mom=troubled mom going to shitty people for advice=mom’s stress going up=increased stress dumped on me+stress of money for my future.

I WANT to be able to take it in stride…I try but I’m not doing well and I can’t help it because IF I HAD ANY OUNCE OF CONTROL OVER IT I would. Like if I was financially independent, like if I could SOLVE or prevent any of the issues from fucking up. But I can’t sign the tracks to pay bills, cut off the credit cards. I’m like a worried parent with an irresponsible child with tons of credit card with NO WAY to cut it off. Except I’m the child and that’s my mom. I mean everyone says you should be stressed about your future right? Or at least decently concerned. Well yea, I’m concerned and as such I’M STRESSED BY WHAT I SEE ABOUT MY FUTURE!

So pardon me if I’m constantly stressed and having anxiety attacks and being constantly paranoid. I can’t help it, I can’t do SQUAT about shit that will fall on me, not even to buy a proverbial umbrella to block them out. So yea if I react badly to additional stress like work and stupid people, I’m not very sorry. I need to take out all these frustrations somewhere, on stuff I can actually make a difference. Can you really blame a perhaps not so innocent young adult for being on edge 24/7 because the steering wheel of her life is in the hands of an immature teenager stuffed in an adult’s body?

Yes my parent has her redeeming points and moments but honestly, in the big picture…I’m amazed I have no grey hair. Or maybe thank god she still has some redeeming qualities….

SO IS IT JUSTIFIED ENOUGH FOR ME TO BE STRESSED AND ON EDGE ALL THE DAMN TIME NOW!? ….The saddest part is, I actually need to explain and justify myself about my stress because most people can’t wrap their heads around it and think I’m nuts, my own mom included. I kind of know how god feels know when a delinquent kid who doesn’t study prays to him to ace an exam. *facepalm*

Guide to my life

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