This is going to be the last post on my blog for a while, a fucking long while.
You wanna know what’s wrong with me and my life?
Here’s what’s wrong.
Lets start from the beginning while we’re at it shan’t we?
You know what I dream of at night? What I hear every other moment and minute that I am not working on something? Here it is, my wonderful collection of memories from people that I can never get over:
“You’re so inefficient”
“You can’t love anyone”
“It’s all in your head”
“This is why I don’t want to be here!”
“I just don’t feel attracted to you”
“I know you are unstable!”
“Go ask my ex-girlfriend what love is!”
“Why are you so ungrateful?”
“You think you have problems?”
“Why do you always have problems with me!?”
“What am I going to do without you?”
“I’m sorry I’m like this…but I can’t help it.”
“You’re never happy.”
I think I should be pissed off because my day, week, whatever, has be so fucked up, even my most PRECIOUS Christmas. But I can’t find energy in me to be angry anymore, I’m just fed up, tired, depressed…But I’m done burdening people.
Here’s the very FACT that convinced me that I did the right thing.
My very distraught mom came to my room all but crying today to talk about her company and her worries of it going bankrupt due to years of problems. There’s one thing to prepare your child for the worst and another to burden the WHOLE thing on her. I could have yelled, screamed, freaked out with her, did many things I think people my age SHOULD do. The first thing I did is get her to sit down and analyze the situation with her and work out her company problem. Despite my worries about college and our family’s livelihood, which I entirely left out. I also happily secretly cancelled CNY’s Japan trip for obvious reasons. Thank god I did cause after her meeting with her 2 accountants and financial managers, she came into my room crying. Happy but crying because of her penting stress. And as the good lil chocomon I am, I hug her, get her tissue let her cry , comfort her, tell her she’s been doing a great job and send her on her merry way after she’s better.
And then I proceed to sigh and not bang my head against well…anything. And I remember that around what a week ago I was completely broken and upset but instead of some reliable comforting or company I had a room of people freaking out. Oh and perpetually denying my reasons for being upset.
I realize that I’m surrounded by people who can’t deal with individuals who have PROBLEMS. So essentially life will be good if I don’t have any problems. Seeing as how when I’m upset it’s my fucking fault that I’m upset? I’m not even going to ask for an explanation as to why when I’m upset that those around me BECOME upset and them being upset is MY FAULT and all the anger and what not gets targeted at ME, but when they’re upset I’m this understanding entity that gets ABUSED. I’m not even fucking kidding. Read above and you’ll see. And those are the tip of the ice-berg that is off the top of my head. I’m debating if physical scars are better at this moment because at this rate I might actually start some serious self-mutilation.
So before I start bitching about my lovely life. Let me simply start by explaining WHY I don’t want to talk to any individual about me myself and I anymore, ESPECIALLY not things that bother me.
1. It gets blown fucking out of proportion.
2. Said person either freaks out, gets upset or says insensitive stuff that pisses me off which in turn pisses them off which in turns results in me being the one at fault and having to apologize and comfort them over MY problem!?
3. Did I say it stresses people out?
4. No one actually TRIES to solve it. Nope they ask me “What should I do?”. If I knew, would I even TALK to you about it? Wait actually don’t answer that, you’ll just ask me what should you say. -_-lll and god knows that’s happened…a couple million times.
5. It gets made fun of. Oh you think it’s funny? Here let me make fun of you. YOUR FUCKING EXISTENCE IS A JOKE. GO AND DIE. not funny is it? This is pretty much what I get. I tell someone I have a massive problem, it gets joked about like it’s no big deal, well thank you good to know my life crisis which is seriously affecting my life is a joke. So what my life’s a joke too? Or I’m a joke? I appreciate the attempts to cheer me up by making my problem seem funny, but it’s NOT funny and YOU’RE NOT HELPING. Satirical jokes aren’t funny and I don’t think an upset person actually has ENERGY to deal with one. So pardon me if I seem tired, unresponsive and unappreciative. Victim here? No energy to be considerate? But right I still have to, or TRY to. Or it’ll hurt the feelings of others. So instead of pointing out the immaturity of it all, I at best applaud your efforts wistfully. WHAT THE HELL!? The upset person still has to be considerate of others? Be GRATEFUL? Afterwards yea okay. While I’m still upset?
Here’s to my mom , my friends, my boyfriend, my family, maybe the world.
SUCK IT UP.
If I can do it, so can you. Since I’m the apparently weak one, you shouldn’t be worse than me right?
Lets just all be frank. I’ll be surrounded by much happier people and be much happier myself if I just kept all my problems to myself. I don’t need to get upset at people consistently fucking things up more for me. Or telling me how much I suck, or how bad I am. I KNOW ALREADY. I know I’m weak, I know I’m sensitive, I know I’m easily stressed, I know I emo a lot, I KNOW I’M NOT GOOD ENOUGH. STOP USING EVERY CHANCE YOU COMFORT ME TO EXPLOIT ALL THAT. But it’s cool, going to keep it to myself now.
See I actually RESOLVE my problems, by keeping them to myself, they get solved, dissolved and I get PEACE!
So yes don’t worry, whatever gets thrown my way I’ll smile and nod, perhaps not convincingly and do my best to work it out and spend my alone time dumping all the shit that gets dumped on me and I generate into some zen black hole which seems to be replacing my stomach, no wonder I’m eating less these days.
Back to bitching WOOT!
Lets see…christmas was fucked up. VERY. I was even forced to eat chinese food on christmas day/night. christmas spirit is too much to ask, and sympathy with regards to this matter is too. X’mas eve was at some mom’s friend’s place which was pathetic, firstly IT ISN’T MY FAMILY. I don’t know ANYONE, EVERYONE is stuck in their little family cliques. I got a really really lame present a KIDDIE wallet and a bar of soap except the soap box is empty and it’s really just the box. ^-^V Then spent the precious 12.00am overseeing KTV being installed in my house. I said merry christmas and was actually BRUSHED OFF. WTF. IT’S CHRISTMAS! But ok nevermind. And x’mas day, I was sick my mom was sick, (thank god) cause I really can’t picture myself laboring over food for a bunch of people I don’t know and won’t appreciate at an x’mas party in my house which I’m bound to have to clean up. But instead we had to go shop of bedsheets and a fucked up store and then spend x’mas night hunting for a restaurant to eat while starving and settling on pathetic CHINESE food and missing out on magical x’mas performances. All because my mom pleaded “I don’t know what to do for x’mas!” Yea, I know that. But if I knew I won’t even ask you, SO GODS STOP USING I DON’T KNOW AS AN EXCUSE! WHY DO I ALWAYS HAVE TO ACCEPT THAT EXCUSE BUT I CAN’T USE IT ON OTHER PEOPLE!! URGH!!
Gods, I’m so sick and tired of being strong for others. And don’t give me that bullshit how all of you are going to be ‘be there for me’ ‘take care of me’. If you did and did it all right, I won’t be here, not like this, not so distraught broken stressed and fucked up.
Right sorry for side-tracking. I’d like to finish this post without crying, my keyboard, though not a razer, isn’t worth getting tears on, it still serves me well after all.
And after being sick ALL this time. I’m on to worrying over my mom who hasn’t been eating or sleeping well because of company issues. AAAAAAAAAAAAAND There’s my mom still talking to 2 of her exes whom I hate who seem to be screwing with her psyche. Oh and a problem with getting a recommendation letter from my sec. school teacher which I DESPERATELY NEED. I know you’re lazy but at least write more than 4 lines of evaluation! Come on! I helped you out with ALL your girlfriend problems, you have wayyy more about me to write no? UGH. Then there’s being annoyed with NYC’s safety. I keep forgetting that I hated USA. Love the school, but gods I hate america, gives me so much problem. Look at Tokyo. Almost the same living expenses, equally built-up (arguably NYC is more built up and more vibrant) but I DARE SAY Tokyo is more developed. Taxi drivers can drive, girls can walk alone at night reasonably safe, crime rates are low and you don’t have to worry about crazy ass robberies. Sure there are some bat shit crazy people there but at least they don’t sleep on the streets or rob you blind every other chance they’ve got. Oh and it’s clean. But I’m straying..
Now!!! I have to help my mom worry about her finances YET AGAIN! And her company. And on top of that I get WORK, not my work HER WORK piled on me. Take over the activity department at the label, design this for concert, take photos for concert. Do this podcast show for me. Plan out my company’s thing for me. I feel loved that I’m so needed…but really, mom if you’re going to always scream out that I resolve all your problems and talking to me ACTUALLY HELPS, why do you have to spend like 2++ weeks talking to other people and trying get help from them but can’t and being stressed about it instead of coming straight to me? I’ve already TOLD you, I WON’T BE STRESSED IF YOU JUST TALKED TO ME ABOUT IT! I’m stressed because I have to DE-BRAINWASH you first AND THEN set you straight and THEN worry about you getting brainwashed AGAIN. And I have people worrying that I lose myself…omg. Oh yea, right. Well I’m at this.
I ALREADY TOLD EVERYONE TO JUST LEAVE ME ALONE WHEN I’M UPSET! Sounds like a bitch but, I NEVER ASKED ALL OF YOU TO DO WHAT YOU CONSIDER CARE AND CONCERN! AT ONE POINT OR ANOTHER I SAID ‘LEAVE ME ALONE! JUST LEAVE IT!’ I never asked for it, any of it. Any of the screwed up care and concern that’s being forced upon me and fucking me up more, I asked for it to be stopped but when I do that I get hurt more, because those around me get upset by it and takes it out on me, be it in tears words or action. It’s already evolved into a cycle: I get upset->people around me get upset->I get upset more->REPEAT
Lets just throw in stress and worry over my own projects and college into this.My life sadly isn’t mine. I am often told it’s mine and it’s my choice but however I look at it it isn’t. 90% of the time I’m rarely dealing with consequences of my mistake but the ones of others. On one hand my mom tells me to “do whatever I want , focus on your work and project!” on the other hand she tells me “I REALLY REALLY need your help, the company REALLY REALLY NEEDS YOUR HELP PLEASE!” and when I tell her about my work and project I still get the same answer. I wanna just go to college without thinking and hell go to a few and never think about living costs and all that crap but whilst my mom tells me “Don’t worry about money.” with her motherly smile, the truth comes out when she comes to me and goes “I don’t want to do all these but the financial pressures!” *sigh*. My life my ass. I am literally SACRIFICING my life for those around me, not a bit of UNDERSTANDING. I’m sorry I’m so fucking selfish to the ONE person who said it’s okay for me to be like so. But it isn’t okay is it? Because you love me and I love you so I have to be even MORE selfless, otherwise I’d just be finding reasons to break up or I’m never satisfied or happy with you. I sacrifice my time, effort and I think my sanity to keep those around me happy. I’m sorry if I’m least perfect around you to you, any of you. I’m only human. I try my best to be god. But really I’m only human. Not a very good one either.
I once believed that I was god, or something close to it. That I could do anything. But I woke up. All of the words from all of you woke me up.
I know I’m fucked up.
You made me this way.
So here you go.
P.S: Oh my fucking god I just realized that I’ve spent more time bitching about other people’s problems indirectly rather than my own. And that as much as I feel stressed and bothered I can’t find the energy to bitch more about MY problems beyond: I’m stressed about my projects and college. Where art thou solace and comfort? On second thought don’t find me because you’ll most likely be a half-hearted or confuzzled 2 liner that will most likely infuriate me setting off another vicious cycle.