My conscience can go screw itself.


I am fucking pissed at the moment.

Actually I haven’t been this pissed in a long time.

I am actually so fucking pissed off right now that I’m not even feeling the need to take it out physically on the nearest physical object.

You know how when you’re seriously really really pissed off you enter this new state of calm, I’m there right now.

And I have several people to thank.

I fucking TRUSTED you. I TRUSTED YOU enough to tell you things not so you can go blab to the next person you deem appropriate to divulge MY thoughts and feelings to. If there is ANYTHING else in this world that pisses me off more than hurting the people I care about is going behind my back and talking about me, or talking about things I’ve said or done. What, are you guys so cowardly that you can’t tell it to me in my face huh? And I have to find out in these little round-about manners and put pieces together myself? I can pretend to not know but you question why I have no faith in people, THIS IS WHY.

Yes yes go take up the issues to my mother why don’t you? I have reasons for blogging, aside from getting things out of my system, it is a RELIABLE source that doesn’t blab unless I LET IT. Ironic how I can trust the fucking internet more that people who are oh so caring of me. Times like these I wonder WHY I even bother. Really why do I even TRY to not be a burden, TRY to be nice, TRY to be there for people who ultimately betray my trust. Yea I bitch a lot about people, but at least I don’t go around grabbing those close to them spilling everything they’ve said to me in confidence.

My best friend’s done that with my ex, my boyfriend(s) done that with my mom, my mom’s done that with god knows how many people I don’t even fucking want to name.

You care about me? Thank you. Then at least have the FUCKING courtesy to keep me in the damn loop. I don’t see how it’ll help ME by discussing ABOUT ME behind my back.

You think you know better? You think ANY OF YOU know better? So it’s cool to just go mouthing off your damn speculations without having me around to AFFIRM them, but oh right you probably think you know best. Apparently I can’t take care of myself and I never know best for myself.

Hm…I wonder who has been taking care of me for say 19 years of my god damn life? Who was the one who planned out the next 50 bloody years of her life, who was the one who picked herself up when everyone was too busy absorbed in their own problems and lives to give a damn? ME. I try giving people chances to ‘care’ for me, I really try. I try and I get hurt. I wait for my mom to do the simplest of things called buying food for me and I end up starving with chronic gastric. Alone I actually feed myself 3 times a day. Had I not forced my mom into getting me a bank account and giving me monthly allowances (which I by the way need to bug her repeatedly for a good 2 weeks everytime) I’d be broke on a daily basis  for months to come because she can’t remember to withdraw cash until SHE needs it for her own NEEDS. Lets not forget the times I’m left waiting at school because someone INSISTED on picking me up. I think I take care of myself better than any of you out there. And if I fuck up at least I deserved the damn consequences.

If I said I’ll be there for someone, do something for someone, I fucking come through with it. And I don’t go caviling behind the person’s back out of ‘good intentions’. The road to hell is paved with good intentions, GET IT THROUGH YOUR DAMN HEAD.

So now my mom’s ‘dramatic meter’ has gone up again, she has officially upgraded herself from the ‘exhausted busy but trying really hard working mom’ to the ‘pitiable exhuasted busy but trying really hard working mom’ because her daughter “won’t share secrets with her”. What fucking secrets? That I’m upset? I APOLOGIZE that I don’t wish to inform you of every little stupid thing that upsets me LIKE YOU DO. Because I actually DON’T WANT YOU TO STRESS OR WORRY OVER ME. -> THIS is a GOOD INTENTION. Okay? Not fretting over me and stressing over me and then dumping said stress on me and guilting me into pitying you so you can play the role of a mother that you think you should be. Maybe I don’t want to share my problems because you’ll just dramatize them and blow them up and overhaul a NEW set of negative emotions onto me? Or maybe cause you’d treat them immaturely and instead of helping, make things worse? I don’t know, I’m not even fucking keeping SECRETS. Such a dramatic word, SECRETS. So is everything I wish not to tell a fucking SECRET now huh? Oh yes, I had a bout of migraine today so I didn’t feel the need to tell you cause I have it all the time and had meds for it, hence it’s a resolved problem that is so insignificant compared to something big like MY LIVELIHOOD FOR THE MONTH or COLLEGE APPLICATIONS that I didn’t feel the need to bother you with it, so that makes it a SECRET!?

No I don’t feel the need to share every aspect of my life with you the way you do because I can solve my own problems and resolve my own issues. I don’t want to nor need to trouble you with my things and if I need help, I ASK. I SAY. The fact that I don’t means I’M FINE. So stop trying to MAKE problems for me. Really, all I need is some peace and quiet and then it gets blown all fucking out of proportions. Yes I feel an irrational bout of depression that nothing hours of music won’t cure, then you’d have to unload ALL your insecurities of being a bad parent on me? Great, now I have ignore my depression  to tend to your insecurities (the same ones I reassure REPEATEDLY) BUT when I have a GENUINE complaint or problem, you have to think that I am NEVER HAPPY WITH YOU. -_-lll GET A LIFE.

In fact have you thought about how stressed I get BECAUSE you dump everything on me in your ‘I’m sharing everything about my life’ with you ideal? I am the only person you can talk to? Oh pray tell who are all those other people you bitch about me to behind my back. Are they GHOSTS?

See why I DON’T want to share my problems with people? SHIT happens. Trust is lost. Feelings are hurt. Enough. I’ll appease all your appetites for drama and problems in my life by feeding you lies and spinning situations for you to ‘take care’ of me and feel good about it, how is that? Because when it really matters, none of you are there and none of you can get out of your self-serving attitudes to see what I need instead of making yourself feel good about ‘taking care’ of me.

This is the last time I’m sharing things in confidence, next time if it’s nothing I want to broadcast, it isn’t coming out of my mouth.

Thank you, all of you, for once again ruining my ability to trust in people, oh and accounting the number of times this has happened to me, my ability to give second chances as well.  Now feel free to go feel miserable about yourself and make yourself the pitiable protagonists of your soap opera of a life. And LEAVE ME OUT OF IT.

 

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My conscience can go screw itself.

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