Wall of music to shut off the world

It’s called shutting yourself off, cutting yourself off away from the world, you should try it sometimes. Apparently mankind has the innate inability to just LEAVE PEOPLE ALONE. Cause you know there are people like me who just wants to be left alone when upset. God knows I don’t need any more of your speculations, assumptions, crazy wild theories which by the way are all terribly off the mark as to why I’m upset. The best part is what I’m upset about seems to have the need to be sanctioned, agreed on, to make sense to OTHER people. WTF.

The second thing I hate most when I’m upset is when people around me who ‘care’ for me start congregating behind my back and gossip, sorry I mean ‘discuss’ about me and why I’m upset. To which I move from upset to being pissed off. But it’s okay, it’s alright, I never expect to be understood. It’s just become an advanced form of annoyance now that people are still trying and thinking that they succeeded.

NO. I’m not sad cause people are leaving, is my last post non-existent? NO. I’m not sad my mom keeps going overseas, I’M HAPPIER WITHOUT YOU AROUND WORRYING OVER ME! Oh and on the side note, haven’t anyone realized how stressful it is to be worried over? Worrying over someone is euphemism for dumping torrents of negative emotion onto someone ok? You don’t think, you’re not doing anything right except exacerbating the situation.

For god’s sake, I don’t know about other people but when it comes to me it’s the general ‘do it right or not at all’ situation. Doing it wrong just pisses me off, I know you mean well and as such I can’t even be outrightly pissed off. Actually I think I’ve just found the source of the problem no? Everyone means well, everyone’s so caring and loving, I’m the asshole who is always upset and unhappy because no one’s doing it right and due to their good intentions i’m not allowed to be mad but you can’t actually tell your emotions to ‘turn off’ and NOT be mad, resulting in a ticking time bomb known as myself.

I’M DONE. I’M SICK. I’M TIRED. NO MORE. So what, I’ve to be okay, be happy, be fine for other people? It’s not like I ASK people to look after me when I’m upset, actually I’m pretty sure I’ve told everyone the EXACT OPPOSITE. LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE AND I’LL BE FINE. I alone know why the hell I’m upset, the moment I start explaining the ones around me will automatically start making (false) assumptions of my explanations and it just all explodes doesn’t it? Let me tell you one thing, I’m pretty good at letting situations escalate. I’m good at helping it escalate too. I’m not very good at being happy, or un-upset  or positive, or at listening and kind and caring and all that shit, but I am VERY good at making things worse.

And this is me at the center of it all, this is me. I don’t know, but I’d like to think that I spend a good portion of my energy taking care of people, being considerate and whatnot, doing all the ‘right’ things regardless of my personal well-being, whether or not I like to do it, sure I do so cause my conscience will have a go at me if I don’t but fact is I DO IT. So I find it highly unjustified that I can’t have alone down time to just drown in my misery, alone? Yes, I’m a bastard like that, but that’s what you get for giving birth to a bastard child no? I don’t want to be okay for people when I’m upset just to CEASE your worry and stress. I do that often enough when I’m comforting people, shoving my emotions to the back of my head, NOT being troubled and instead focusing on making the situations better. I’m not perfect, I of course don’t do everything right, and thus probably have no rights to demand of all these but for the love of whatever entity is out there. LEAVE ME BE.

You think it makes me feel better? To be told that I’m worrying people but I’m not a burden? WTF. That’s like telling a kid, I love you no matter what but stop crying. I know people around me are all nice wonderful people I should be nicer to, I really know, so STOP FUCKING REMINDING ME. I am a bad person okay? I try my sincerely  hardest to be nice to everyone around me, I try, I’ve fucking TRIED. So pardon me that for the moment I STOP trying and revert to just being me that I’m suddenly NOT NICE. Stop reminding me that I’m not good enough, I know that, I don’t need to be CONSTANTLY reminded of how devoted, forgiving, loving…all of the nice beautiful things in life that I AM NOT. I am selfish, I am unforgiving, I am uncaring! I make the effort to go against that cause god gave me a conscience but I’M NOT GOD. So can’t I be left alone when I’m not nice so at least I have a clean conscience that in my moment of down time at least I didn’t hurt anyone? Having the fact that you’re hurting people in your downtime shoved in your face doesn’t really help anything. ‘You’re making me worried’ ‘<insert person> is worried about you’ ‘just stop thinking like that’

I CAN’T OKAY. I BLOODY FUCKING CAN’T, ESPECIALLY NOT WITH YOU GUYS SETTING OFF MORE THINGS IN MY HEAD TO BE PISSED OFF AT. I have no idea how it went from, ‘i don’t deserved to be loved’ to ‘nobody loves me’. As such I refuse to explain myself because my words get TWISTED into some wild speculations to better fit your ideals of how UNJUSTIFIED it is for me to be upset.

Yes well you don’t NEED justification to be upset. If we’re going for unjustified tantrums and emo time, I can name a ton for each person close to me. You’ve probably heard me tell you in your face that it’s unjustified, but you’ve probably also heard me telling you it’s okay be upset and then get over it because we can’t help how we feel. But for all the ‘you are a nice person ‘ talk I get, I’m apparently not nice enough to granted this immunity. I have no right to feel whatever I feel, you do.

I find that when I try dealing with the world, it just gets worst. And I think it’s a whole lot easier on EVERYONE that I just take it all on me as my fault and we just leave it at that no? Because the moment I start nitpicking on who did something wrong but out of good intentions, this vicious cycle starts. I get it god, I HAVE NO RIGHTS BECAUSE I’M THE BAD GUY.

So can we all just come to the consensus that I need and is allowed to shut the world off from me? Please?

Wall of music to shut off the world

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