Love thyself before others

I think I know why you need to love yourself before you love others. If you don’t love yourself then when an integral part of you is unloved by others you inevitably end up hating yourself and others. A person who doesn’t love himself/herself seeks love from others and therefore is unable to give love.

To be truthful I don’t really know what I’m saying right now. I really don’t.

It’s sort of a bad combination of pain and annoyance and frustration that’s eating me up. The urge to destroy something, preferably myself.

It’s hard to be loved for who you are in your entirety. In fact it’s hard to be loved for who you are. Or at least who I am. I am never good enough for anyone or anything and I can’t help but wonder why the hell was I born. I try my best to be better but it’s never enough. Never pretty enough, never smart enough, never humorous enough. I don’t want to be a nice person, a nice person is just euphemism for sensitive pushover! And even if that’s who and what I am, everyone has redeeming qualities. Why can’t people look at that instead of tackling everything I’m not or that I don’t live up to? I AM ME, LOVE ME FOR ME.

I changed how I dressed and ate for some guy once, I hated myself and I hated him, I don’t care if he thinks it looks good on me, hell I don’t care if I DO look good, THAT’S NOT ME. Clothes don’t make a person, so people say, but yes it does. What you wear, if you make an effort to, reflects who you are, reflects your personality or your style or at the very least reflects who you WANT to be. And it hurts to be told that what you love, something that makes you who you are is something that someone who means a lot to you dislike or disprove of.

I just can’t be appreciated for effort, or to be supported for trying to look nice or be nice or hell just be myself or be lazy? Is it so important to insult, scrutinize and talk me down for everything I’m not up to standards for? Oh yes, you are terrible and the most useless thing in the world, but I love you regardless. You think hearing that makes me happy?

Whoever Bruno Mars’ girlfriend is is one lucky lady, he loves her just the way she is. Because to him even her flaws are her strengths, or at least something he finds endearing about her. If I’m clumsy it isn’t cute but annoying. If I am determined I’m a stubborn bitch and not someone with integrity. I know I’m not perfect but I try hard to be, for others and for myself so STOP TAKING  A KNIFE AND STABBING THE SAME WOUND AND CAVIL AT MY FLAWS ENDLESSLY. I have redeeming qualities too, but no, they are never mentioned, talked about or appreciated, never seriously.

And I am so sick and tired of people praising me just to make me feel better. So what, now I’m such a weak retard that I need people to lie in my face and give unsincere compliments so I’ll feel better cause I can’t handle criticisms? Don’t people know that it hurts more especially cause I KNOW IT’S A LIE!?  You know why there’s an occupation called ‘critics?’ It’s a bloody occupation because people who are friends and family, those who are close to you are supposed to support you and help you achieve what you want even if you suck at it, they can tell you you’re bad, or you need help and the PROCEED TO SUPPORT AND HELP YOU. If you want criticism and to be torn apart, we have critics for that. No one needs to hear all this and NOT be lifted up/helped/comforted later by someone who is close to them. And it hurts more that something you make an effort to do for the people you love is rejected harshly by the person you love, yes I may suck at many things but fact that I braved my weakness to do something you might appreciate calls for some appreciation no? And no a long string of criticism.

It’s not even on the same level of putting someone down to make oneself feel better anymore, it’s just constantly scarring someone for no good reason except cause it might be FUN. I HAVE FUCKING EMOTIONS. I HURT. I CRY. Life isn’t a joke to me, that’s NOT who I am, so stop treating me like someone you want me to be, cause I’m not. Don’t say you love me and treat me like someone else.

Don’t think you know me, try to know me.

And it’s always my fault isn’t it, the victim and the hurt can’t fight back because the moment they do the entire situation is their fault. I can’t get back at someone who has hurt me can I, when I do suddenly everything the person does is justified and he’s twice the victim? So it doesn’t matter how hurt I am, if I hurt someone I have to deal with them and the consequences but they never do? DOES ANYONE FUCKING GIVE A DAMN ABOUT MY WELL-BEING AND FEELINGS?

Oh yes and the infamous I’m selfish. If I’m fucking selfish I won’t spend vast majority of my god damn time trying to understand those I care about, doing stuff that will make them happy and making an effort to become better for them. I won’t bust my butt off bitching about work I don’t have to do but do them anyways JUST BECAUSE I CARE. I am SO selfish because I want to make these people happy and when I don’t it’s my fault and when I’m sad it’s still my fault. FUCK IT! IT’S ALWAYS MY FAULT SO LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE.

I’m a heartbreaker? Fine maybe I am, maybe all I’ve ever known is heartbreak so I don’t know how to do anything else but break hearts, how does that sound?

I say this so much that I’m sick and tired of saying it but god I’m sick and tired of this, all this.

I think I ought to leave my past behind me. Change my name, change my number, change my address, change my looks and finally just live me as who I am.


Love thyself before others

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