Lost to myself


I don’t know who I am, where I am, what I am. I’m lost, I’m confused, I don’t know my place in this world, what the hell I’m doing, what life I’m living.

All I know is, this isn’t me.

What am I living for? Who am I living for? Since when was being happy such an elusive concept? What makes people happy? What makes me happy?

I’m not even doing anything because I’m tired and stressed being the person people want me to be. Is it right to make others happy at the cost of your own happiness? What happened to ‘you can’t look after others if you don’t look after yourself first’? Since when was self-sacrifice ever the answer to something?

What am I holding on to? What am I looking towards? Where the hell am I going?

I don’t know this world, never did never will. I don’t know the depths of every individual next to me, around me; the reality I am living in. But all of it doesn’t matter because I’m never alone, I always have myself. I knew myself. And now I’m lost to myself and I’m really alone again.

Knowing what to do isn’t important, nor is knowing how to do it, when to do it, where to do it, none of it matters if you don’t know who is the person doing it, why am I doing all of this.

What is one’s purpose in life? To contribute? To live?

Someone who looked at me from the other side of the mirror once told me, “Our purpose in life is to be happy so that there’ll be one more happy ending in this world.” And that’s enough isn’t it?

So when days don’t feel like days and nights don’t feel like nights and the one most important to me is lost to myself; the world is a mess and things just don’t make sense, I need to ask myself, did she leave me because she no longer knows me like how I no longer know myself? That the entity sitting here is just an amalgamation of people’s flippant expectations that they never have and never will be responsible for? Because she won’t stand for this, she’s stronger than all this, that she’d rather leave with her pride intact than to become something she’s not? And why not? We come into this world with only ourselves by our side and we shall leave this world the same way, taking away only a simple emotion that can be happiness or sadness, beatitude or regret.

Who am I?

The only person who has the answer is gone.

I have to go find myself now.

 

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Lost to myself

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