Say goodbye

True strength is to find it in you to live on alone when all is lost.”
-Ri, 2011

There was once a time when I was sweet and innocent and sometimes I look back and forget that once you’ve moved on, you can only move onward, never back.

I was hurt, I’m still hurt, but all that doesn’t justify me hurting people whom I treasure the most. I’ve always felt somewhat victimized and used that as an excuse to mess up. I’m not the person I once was and I need to stop trying to go back to who I was. She was gone the moment she broke, I need to get over that. I’m sure pieces of her still live inside me somewhere, in the most fragile and precious crevices of my heart but enough is enough.

I’m done being this fucked up mess, I need to pick a side. I can’t be sick of getting hurt because I’m nice and want to be bad but am half-assed about it. You’re either good or you’re not. And if it takes going on the dark side to protect those I love most, my precious lights around me, including the one that lives inside me then fuck it all, I will. No more pussyfooting around the line, trying to be the ‘nice’ bad girl, fuck it, I need to throw away all my damn inhibitions from my past and be who  I can and will be for the future and present.

You can’t look after people you care about if you can’t look after yourself.

You can’t protect those you love the most if you can’t love yourself.

You can’t be strong for those who need you if you can’t be strong when you’re alone.

You can’t be there for others if you can’t be there for yourself.

So no more. I’m not going to depend on others anymore. No more waiting for people to pick up my pieces, no more letting other people deal with me for me. It’s fucking about time time to be selfish and face myself.

I don’t take shit from no one, so I’m not fucking taking shit from myself anymore.

I once wished of love and dependence and a shoulder to cry on. I once dreamed of reliance and comfort from someone who understood me. I once wanted someone to always be there for me and look after me.

I can and always could, count on me, be there for me, comfort me and understand me. I just never noticed ‘me’.

So I’m sorry for everything I’ve done, the scars I’ve left on people I care and love, I’m sorry for hurting others with my own hurting. I’ll be ok, I always have been, I just need to believe I can. So time to say goodbye to who I was.

Time to slap on the danger signs and warning labels, I’ve always been strong enough to take on the world, I’ve never needed anything but me myself and I and that’s how it’s going to be. I was jealous of those who were kind and pure, who were loved and taken care of; but that’s not me and it never was, I can’t keep being someone I’m not and want things that don’t belong to me.

Some things are a want, but other things are a need.

Love is a want, but family is a need. Lust is a want, but friendship is a need. Weakness is a want, but strength is a need. Happiness is a want, but 幸せis a need.

What truly matters? The big things, or the small ones? If I don’t start appreciating and protecting the things that truly matters, I’ll be left with nothing. Somethings just don’t belong to me and they never will and I just need to deal with it, because it’s okay if they don’t. I have far more important, far more precious things, and people; things that make a difference, that’s been there for me.

Yea, it’s time to end all these. I’ve been in denial long enough, I’ve been hurt long enough, I’ve been broken long enough. Time to make a change.

So say goodbye to who I was, time to fix myself. So watch out world!!! I’ll back to terrorize you in D-7 days! Be ready or be sorry!

Who I was yesterday

Makes who I am today

That is never the same again.



Say goodbye

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