I’m like an engine without a car…


I have penultimate drive and motivation with nowhere to USE IT. Ok so that sentence probably wasn’t grammatically correct, but to heck if I give a damn at the moment.

So i have the logic of if you know what you don’t want, what you have left is probably want you want. Well, you know how you like many things but LOVE this one thing? Now I’m having problems finding that love.  And my awesome mind has yet to muse upon a solution yet.

I’m having council withdrawal symptoms I swear. With EJ,we used to do like an event EVERY MONTH, can you imagine going from being productive and having achievements on a monthly basis to well doing pretty much nothing now? Well ok not nothing, but so far nothing can compare to council!!!! Working? Well, you’re not the boss, you can’t initiate or change things. Council, we had ownership, we could start things, initiate things. That and when you don’t get paid and your contributions don’t matter, it doesn’t really give you a sense of accomplishment.

And I mean, sure exercising and acrobatics are awesome but, you’re not really accomplishing something that MATTERS! It just affects you!! No one else benefits from it!! And ugh, you can’t really start a business or some long term big thing when you’re leaving in like 6 months. That’s irresponsible and unrealistic.

NOTHING CAN FILL THE GAP COUNCIL LEFT!

And ugh college. You know how if you stare at a green a blue and a red apple that have the same nutritional level, same dents and same tastes and green blue and red are all colors you like equally? That’s how I feel about colleges, it’s like picking everything that’s about the same. WHERE IS THAT GUT FEELING OF, THIS IS IT!!! THIS IS THE PLACE!! I’m not asking for perfection, I’m asking for conviction. With like a SWOT analysis and an all rounded review *with numerical grading scales mind you* i still don’t know where to go!!

The only thing I can do now is aim to learn as much as I can, gain as much experiences as I can, prepare myself and when I settle down, start dashing. But god dammit I can’t even do that. Internships are main data entry jobs, irrelevant to what I want, I can’t travel because I’m a fucking GIRL so I can’t go anywhere alone fucking god damn the world and sex discrimination and rapists and pedophiles and…ok going off topic, I’m trying my damn best to take up lessons but of ALL the times for the family to need to save money, it’s NOW, so I can’t really go around spamming lessons on myself either. And my pay needs to be saved to buy my ADOBE PRODUCTION SUITE and my FUJITSU T580!

SERIOUSLY, what am I supposed to do now, it’s like this itch of you wanting to exert your energy and fucking DO SOMETHING but there’s nothing you can be passionate about and DO! And people around you are caught up in other things you can’t disturb them or get them involved and. I’M GOING CRAZYYY FROM PENT-UP ENERGY!!

Seriously, there’s only so much you can exert physically by killing yourself gyming and flipping your life away.

I don’t need to find that drive, just help me find something to be passionate about to apply my drive please? I mean, you know what happens when energizer bunnies have no where to spend their energy right?

They wreck havoc.

Do we want that really?

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I’m like an engine without a car…

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