Tolerate….


Tolerence is a virtue.
 
Or so I keep telling myself.
 
Should totally be writing this in CHINESE but when you’re NOT bothered, typing in chinese is just too much of a bitch.
 
Sometimes i think i GO looking for trouble. and well i guess i do. i mean. like. i figured that i’ll get upset if i called to ask about when he’s coming back. but well…on a schedule book, 4 days look like 4 little boxes and as humans, we start to get our hopes up. at least i do. until you fucking crushed me, again.
 
seriously. I should consider NOT calling you because it’s near IMPOSSIBLE for me to keep the emo-ness out of my voice, now text messaging? MUCH EASIER. I can be swearing my head off and type the sweetest of things.
 
I don’t know why I put up with this bi-polar front.
 
I keep all this emo-ness and fucked up life from you. Evidently with little appreciation.
 
Like I said, I don’t know why I bother.
 
Of course, nearly EVERY TEACHER  and CLASSMATE in my god damn school can SYMPATHIZE with me, but no, not YOU, my BOYFRIEND.
 
Makes me wanna cry, and I’m not saying it figuratively.
 
Except I can’t cry, because it doesn’t solve anything, because if I do I will end up missing school and will have to clean up my own mess because no one will clean up mine like I do theirs. Hence all I can do is to tolerate. And hold on and pray for a better day.
 
Honestly, what will I do without music? It’s like my lifeline because I can’t talk to ANYONE who won’t start lecturing me about the finer points in life….and seeing as I’m holding up better than person should be (Hell I’m still SANE~), I need a tad more HELP and SYMPATHY rather than EMPTY WORDS.
 
Is it SO hard to find someone who understands the sort of SHIT that I’m going through? And will a little HELP and sympathy KILL? You know like: good job man, you can do it, we’re here for you. and actually MEAN it.
 
Wait, I do get that. I get that from…even the WEIRDEST OF PPL BUT my own BOYFRIEND. Who thinks my life is all flowers and ponies. Yea, because I explode at a classmate in the middle of class for cracking a joke because I’m SO happy and content with life.
 
I’m supposed to provide MORAL SUPPORT in this condition.
 
Can someone with a heart please TELL him, WHAT i am going through so that he will STOP GETTING MAD AT YELLING AT ME!?
 
I mean, WHAT THE FUCK!! WHAT AM I DOING TO DESERVE THAT FROM HIM!? I GO THE EXTRA MILE TO GET INFORMATION AND HELP HIM AND I GET THIS!!! THIS FUCKING TREATMENT.
 
Actually if his friend would call me and tell me he’s fucking another girl right about now, this situation would be just PICTURE PERFECT.
 
I can’t yell, I have to sound like a chipmunk when I spend my days yelling at people. 
 
And really.
 
Your friend is going away on the 30th and you won’t see him for an entire year so you can only see me for 4 days.
FUCK YOUR FRIEND.
a YEAR.
Yea, need I remind you that you’ll potentially LEAVE ME and go STUDY WITH HIM.
Oh and, need I ALSO remind you that you’ll be VISITING said friend during your HOLIDAYS.
and and, that, YOU’RE MISSING THE GOD DAMN PLAY THAT I’M POURING MY LIFE INTO!
 
I used to think that I should put everything AFTER YOU, I almost cancelled camp and preparations JUST FOR YOU.
 
No wait correction.
 
I DID cancel camp just for you.
 
and now you ditch me for your FRIEND
 
I blow off 20 people, and leave the reputation of an entire SCHOOL for YOU
 
and you ditch me for ONE PERSON.
 
Someone please agree with me that I’M in the right for once.
Because these days, I can’t find a SINGLE soul who seems to be on my side.
 
I have to ‘understand his point of view’ , ‘sympathize with him’, ‘stay strong for him’.
 
To every single asshole out there who said all these:
 
WHAT ABOUT MYSELF!?
and
YOU GUYS CAN SAY SUCH THINGS SO FLIPPANTLY BECAUSE I’M DOING ALL THAT FOR YOU!
 
Being there to solve YOUR problems and save YOUR ASSES.
 
I can be as irresponsible as the next one of you, and drop this whole thing, but I’m not.
 
I’m not even exploding at EVERY random person, hell I even surpress them and if I accidentally snap, wow, I APOLOGIZE.
 
Will it kill if someone showed concern and I don’t know, be on my side and just….make ME feel better?
 
And the worst part is, I can’t seem to DIE from this.
 
Really, I think if I like collapsed and DIED, people will finally realize the seriousness of everything and start to CARE and reflect on the shit they are giving ME.
But guess what, I CAN’T EVEN DO THAT.
It’s like…I’m FORCED to suffer through all this.
 
At this rate, I’ll approach god-hood soon.
 
No really.
 
To all the other people out there who share the same fate as me, here’s a tip if you’re not already using it. 
 
Tell yourself everytime you threaten to cry,
‘Crying doesn’t solve anything’
because that’s how I survive EVERY DAY. if not EVERY MOMENT.
 
Why is life like this?
 
I guess I’ll be surviving this month by bitching here.
Not like I’ve got anywhere else to go to.
 I really don’t want to hear another word of ‘chill, relax ok?’
instead, stuff like ‘how can i help?’ or ‘don’t worry, we’ll get through this’ or ‘it’ll work out’ will help a LOT.
 
Easy for you guys to say ‘chill, relax’ cause you’re not carrying this on your shoulders NOR are you the one suffering,. 
 
I guess this is what it means to be ‘alone in this world’
 
*Sigh*
 
I need a break.
From life.  
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Tolerate….

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