I really want to know why my mom asking me about my schedule pisses me me off.
It’s only her, anyone else who asks, I’m fine. Well…okay maybe with some rare exceptions. One exception.
I guess…I don’t know.
I just hypothesized that it’s the judgement.
See, when Emily asked me about my schedules and I got pissed off, it’s largely due to the fact that she asks so she can wriggle herself in, but what really angers me is the judgement.
She’ll judge if I’m too busy (too busy for her) and make unnecessary and unsupportive comments.
Hence the only conclusion I can come to about why my mom asking pisses me off is that I’m afraid that she’ll judge me and make unnecessary comments. It doesn’t help that she’s the only person who CAN control my life and limit my freedom, even if she doesn’t know it.
I know this is grossly unfair to her because for the longest time now she’s been supportive. It’s just…I feel like my freedom has been infringed upon, or is at risk of being infringed upon whenever she asks about my schedule.
To my credit, she does unknowingly spout some..EP draining comments. But she’s improving. And I don’t want her asking me what I’m up to to immediately shut down my day.
Thing is, I’m not actually doing anything wrong, and I’m an adult, I can do whatever I want with my life.
I guess it also feels like there’s no trust. I know that’s not the case and she just wants to know so that she can not be worried. Which is fair.
But it also makes me feel like I need to follow exactly what I told her I’d do. Lose flexibility in my life, my freedom. That irks me.
I think it all boils down to the fact that I’ve been living my life simply around her convenience that now I just want all and any time that I don’t give her to be whatever I want and to be left alone.
Like…mom-free time basically.
Because once she asks, to absolutely no fault of hers, I’ll start worrying if any of my schedules worry her, will cause her to freak out/have a negative reaction etc. Normally she doesn’t. But she’s my mom, any slightest sign of discomfort on her end, I immediately feel guilt. Then anger because I’m not doing anything wrong, why should I feel guilty?
-I’m worried about how my mom will react to my schedules. Will she have a dramatic reaction? Will she judge?
-this then angers me and annoys me
-I’m scared to have her infringe upon my life, even if it’s well-meaning. (Cause things usually get complicated and ends up being altered to suit her convenience) and compromise my freedom, the one line I absolutely can’t stand people stepping on.
-on my own end, a feeling of mistrust and judgement whenever she asks. Built from years of conditioning
So yeah..I don’t really know how to fix this.
I guess all I can do is talk to her and set up some rules. Like on my end I will try to condition my brain to be positive about this. On her end, we’ll have agreements. She can ask, but she mustn’t ask repeatedly, or make well-making infringing offers, and to not disturb my alone time unless it’s something important. And to maybe cut the subconscious kicked puppy/pitiful aura that makes me feel like I did something wrong or didn’t take care of her. (Oh, that is what bothers me.) And maybe it’d help if she didn’t make judgemental comments at all….but that’s a bonus I won’t push for.
Yea, that’s all we can do really. Now I’m really out of EP but I feel much better. Okay, let’s do this!