Brutality

Brutal honesty time!

Lets start with this.

It’s okay to be depressed sometimes.

Don’t fight it, don’t try to fix it.

Just let it pass.

So today is me letting myself be depressed.

And I’m cutting myself from the world because I am depressed and I should deal with it in private.

 

So, what’s bothering me?

Many things.

Lets start with things I hate about myself.

I’ve accidentally let Pebbi become the centre of my world, I lost my independence, I’m relying on him.

I hate being weak like that.

Perhaps it’s fine to rely on him sometimes, but I have yet to find the balance and at the moment I hate how weak I’ve become.

Feeling sad that I’m waiting for everyone to come home.

I ENJOY being by myself, or if I’ve stopped enjoying being alone..I need to relearn it. And that’s also why today is happening.

So next order of things.

I’m jealous, and I hate being jealous.

It means I don’t trust pebbi and most of all it means I don’t love myself.

The more you think someone will leave you for another person, the more they actually will.

But I can’t seem to stop this feeling despite reassurances, which means the problem lies in me not loving myself very much right now.

I feel like I might feel better and face it better if I verbalized it.

I’m jealous.

I’m jealous that he went out with another girl, his ex, whom I know he doesn’t have feelings for, on our monthiversary. I wanted the day to be about us. But I also don’t want to control him or limit his freedom.

Which means I need a life. Because he deserves his own life. I don’t want to be there on standby waiting for anyone to come home to me. I hate it.

I don’t want to be that sentimental.

I want to be me.

I’m not me and it’s scary sometimes, because loving him so much makes me not me.

It’s just bad timing, after all that love for me to breakdown like that.

But I hate myself enough to fill up an entire aquarium that I need to just stop and love myself.

And the fastest way is to be alone and be at peace.

To give MYSELF time.

Because I’ve been giving everything and everyone else time, but not me.

Do what I want, place what I like as first.

I can only do that when I’m alone.

So I’ll be alone, at least for today. And be strong again. Or be weak. So I can let myself be weak without guilt.

But back to what’s bothering me.

Honesty.

I’m just hung up that things aren’t..communicated 100000%

I don’t know where she stands in his life..I probably will never know.

Because he isn’t like me, it’s all by feelings of the moment.

Is she like his Annie? Is that how much I have to let him go?

I have no idea.

If you wanted to stay with me, then..why make so much time and effort to see her when you’re tired, and then cancel your meeting and stay out?

It just..feels like lies again.

But I know it’s not, he’s being him, spotaneity is him, it’s just a shadow of someone else eating at me.

Another thing I hate, letting shadows get to him.

I hate being jealous that he had fun with someone else besides me, for fuck’s sake, he’s allowed to have fun with other people.

I just can’t help but feel like my place was ursurped, that I was replaced.

But it’s so stupid and so dramatic I hate it.

But…WE never ever bought anything in the shops together…we never went to KTV together after that one day. It just feels like I make him tired, bring him exhaustion and he has fun with other people.

And I feel like I need to just get out of his life.

So here I am hiding in my cave.

I don’t really know how to get over this.

But getting it off my chest makes me feel better. Slightly.

I know if I just focused on happy memories we have it’ll be better…

Maybe I should go to melbourne soon.

Be away.

I’m tired of holding on, of being scared.

I hate myself for being that way.

But..I need to love myself more today.

So..

I’m proud of myself for not breaking down in front of him last night, for not being a burden, for being honest with myself, for accepting my own flaws and giving myself time to emo.

We’re doing a good job nyaa.

I just..can’t see anything good about myself right now.

And expanding someone else’s EP and HP to have them reassure me will just make me feel worse.

Brutality

In Private

Deal with your breakdowns, your insecurities and depression in private.

Put yourself back together in private.

それがお前唯一の取柄だから

Which is why I’m gonna go skate, cry and sleep.

In that order.

Sigh,much fun being a high functioning person with depression.

=D

In Private

この身は穢れっても、この魂は砕けない、穢れない。

音楽はあたしの心を洗って行く。

 

君に出会ってから、本当の強さを初めて見つけた。

自分って、意外と強いんだ。

Strength

Unravel the fibers of a person and you’ll see, strength is not that simple after all. 

Strength is carrying on when you feel like you can’t. 

Strength is crying where no one else can see, not not crying at all.

Strength is being there for others when you can barely hold yourself together. 

Strength is accepting that you have weaknesses but not giving in to it.

Strength is the power to get back up, not the power of not falling.

Strength is balance, not absolute.

So don’t think you know strength until you’ve seen its complexities.

Seen our complexities.

Human complexities.

Strength

Ha , last post.

Last post for tonight promise.

If I chose to hold on to grudge for every single time people who promised to be there weren’t, to be disappointed and lose faith every time someone around me let me down…I’ll probably end up hating the world and setting it on fire.

But I choose not to.

I’d rather choose to feel hurt for a little bit but understand that people are trying, they’ve tried THEIR best, and if it’s not what I needed…at least they tried. Because if I think otherwise, the world would be too sad. Life will be too sad.

I don’t want life to be sad.

Life is beautiful and amazing, even despite all its flaws, pain, suffering and betrayal.

There are beautiful moments.

Appreciate the world for the good, accept the bad and try to make less bad in this world while contributing to the good.

That’s all we can do.

So even as a person with depression, I still dare say, I’m happy with my life, I’m happy to BE alive.

Ha , last post.