IT IS CONFRONTATION TIME!
Glad I’m in a pretty decent mood for this.
Just to sidetrack first.
I mean I still believe strongly in happiness, but I feel a lot of things.
My feelings are often complicated, different shades of happiness, intermingled with all sorts of other things.
Part and parcel of my self-awareness.
My depth of emotions is what allows me to be a great empath and a kind person…and also live a tired life.
But well..I guess the emotional challenge is my constant flow mode.
I can’t stand life when there’s no challenge, it’s just easy to be overwhelmed by the challenges sometimes. But better challenged than bored.
So back to confrontation.
I clearly had a ‘I am not okay, I am jealous’ episode last night.
And I really want to delve into that.
Because clearly, in my value system, polyamory is important.
Or I wouldn’t have defended it or felt so strongly about it to even write about it publically when Ethan posted about it.
I won’t be championing it if I didn’t agree or believe in it. Reflexively too.
So I have no idea why I was so annoyed and ticked off last night.
Because if it’s just jealousy, it makes no sense, he’s been giving me love and attention.
I shouldn’t feel threatened…but I don’t think I felt threatened.
*stares at the ‘love and attention’ line*
It’s definitely a security issue, that much I know.
You can’t have polyamory without strong security foundations.
Why am I insecure?
Because I wasn’t feeling like I’m not as good as the other girls, or that he’d leave me. Those aren’t the insecurities.
My mind, at least the clear one know that what what I have with him and he has with them are completely different creatures.
They’re his..NRE, fun and excitement, try new things, discovery, I don’t know. stuff.
I think that’s definitely one factor.
I don’t really know what I have with him is.
Since he moved in that is.
I’m…afraid. Of just being the person he comes home to.
I DON’T WANT TO be just the housewife figure.
And it’s a conflict because I LIKE caring for him in a domesticated way. I enjoy it, like how I enjoy cooking for Annie and corns and taking care of people. I LIKE TAKING CARE OF PEOPLE.
I enjoy doing all these things.
But I don’t want it to be all that I am.
I don’t want to just be the domestic partner, just be the comfort/constant relationship.
Because mutual growth and excitement is important to me.
When I put it that way, it’s like I need a lot.
Why can’t stability and comfort be enough for me?
But lets not start the feedback loop from hell.
I’m not that sort of person, I need to be constantly challenged and growth and confrontation. To quote annie time and again, there’s no Ri-light.
So while I don’t know what I am and have with him right now, I do know what I’d like to be.
Yes, I’d love to be the person he comes home to, to be able to take care of him, but above and beyond that I want to also be the person he can be happy with, have fun with, learn with, grow with…a partner in LIFE, in every sense of the word.
And I mean, honestly, it’s not like I’m not all that to him right now, just the past few days since he’s moved it.
Depression is definitely a strong factor here.
We’re both being abnormally tactful around each other since he moved in, I can sense it.
He’s trying to be respectful of being in a new environment that isn’t his turf (which in turn drives me nuts and uncomfortable, because I’m the “please feel at home” sort. Courtesy translates to discomfort for me many at times.), and I’m trying to get used to having a new person in my sanctuary.
I sort of anticipated this. I mean, my regular self is really not quite that clingy. Not to say I don’t love attention and affection. I just have high personal space requirements. But it’s a strange sort of personal space. I don’t like being ignored, I do like my presence to be acknowledged…
Okay, this is where it gets complicated (the smartass voice in my head likes to point out that it’s already complicated…).
I don’t like people INTENTIONALLY giving me space/berth. Because I can sense the unnaturalness. Of course it’s ridiculous to just expect people to know how much space to give me.
Especially because, there’s:
- I’m sad give me space
- I’m sad, don’t give me space although I’m backing away
- I’m fine, give me space
- I’m fine, HERE LET ME CRASH INTO YOUR PERSONAL SPACE LIKE THE HAPPY COMET FROM OUTERSPACE.
People who have magically figured out the boundaries…well I’m sure there’s a shit ton of unspoken tests and communication that happened for them to figure it out.
Essentially, when I live with someone, I’m pretty content to just coop up in my cave and not be the most engaged/interested person. I can be distant, because..actually most of the time I prefer to have personal space. So I’m being distant to maintain my personal space needs.
However, that being said, i don’t consider all this personal time as quality time we have together. My quality time requirements don’t go down. So even though we live together, it’s still important to have quality time once a week or once every two week to connect. Because just because you cohabit in the same space doesn’t mean you connect. You’re just occupying your own space.
Just giving each other cursory hugs and kisses once in a while isn’t connecting. It’s nice, for sure. But..sorry, I have connection needs.
So okay recap at this point, issues causing insecurity:
- Uncertainty about my the role of our relationship, and what I am to him
- Connection needs not met..rather personal space needs and connection needs not balanced
Cool two down.
The next thing I think is a pretty big driver, which is hopelessly entangled with my depression is that I feel defeated.
I feel like I’m not making him happy. All the love and care I’m sending his way are all wrong. Because he’s been reacting uncomfortably to them. And it’s great that he told me today he’s just not used to it. I relate to it, it’s like how I’m not used to being complimented and I act awkwardly when I am complimented..but doesn’t mean I don’t like it or I want it to stop.
I guess…my INFJ sense are just freaking the fuck out when “act of love” is used and the reaction is not “contentment/happiness” but “discomfort”.
The good thing is that I don’t expect reciprocation. Appreciation will be nice, but when it’s awkward appreciation…I end up feeling like I’ve inconvenienced the other person.
External feeling types, we put other people’s feelings before our own, what to do.
So once I feel like my love makes him uncomfortable, I immediately end up in the rabbit hole of “I don’t make him happy” and my depression will just take this ammo and run with it, starting a beautiful fireworks of insecurity.
So it’s a little conflicting, I enjoy giving love, but I don’t want the other party to take it for granted, so I don’t want them to ‘get used to it’…well correct terms would be to ‘expect it’. I’d hope he’d get used to and stop being uncomfortable having someone who likes doing stuff for him (and his happy doing it), but to not expect that as something I SHOULD do.
Appreciation is important for me to feel secure I guess. Interesting newfound insight.
Of course, my depression has additional ammo in the form of my caretaking of him isn’t at a super high level yet. I know exactly how to make the other people around me happy, either they’re easy to please or because we’re more similar..either way. I’m still learning the ropes with Pebbi, and while I LOGICALLY know that failure is a learning process. Tell that to my depression *glares at her*.
So the next issue I guess we can summarize as: I don’t feel secure because my depression is making me feel like a failure and a bad girlfriend because I’m still learning how to take care of pebbi and he’s getting used to being cared for. DOUBLE WHAMMY! WOHOO!
On the sarcasm.
Following that is the whole depression thing ITSELF.
I have depression and anxiety. It’s a lot easier to showcase my functioning sides when you don’t see the person everyday.
But while I’m probably only depressed 20-40% of the time, the remaining 60% isn’t ALL happy. A lot of it is neutral.
Aka that slightly aloof moon bottle.
Worst even, night time is when my depression and anxiety sets in. It’s when I’m most vulnerable and at my worst. AKA the time where Pebbi actually sees and interacts with me.
So…he basically sees more of me when I’m not happy.
And that alone wouldn’t be so bad if there wasn’t this huge perceived stigma in this relationship where being not happy (even if you’re not sad) is BAD.
My home is my sanctuary, it’s the place where I can feel however the fuck I want. If I want to feel emo the whole damn day, well, I feel emo the whole damn day. I accept it, embrace it. Why must I feel happy all the time. Being happy requires energy too.
Thing is now there’s constant stress to not be unhappy.
And that second degree stress about having to be happy is making me DOUBLY unhappy.
Which leads to a deeper problem in this relationship.
I don’t feel safe being vulnerable or upset in this relationship.
I’m emotional and sensitive. It doesn’t mean I’m weak or not strong, I just..feel more. And unlike what I consider the unhealthy general public, I don’t try to bottle it, or I don’t used to. Pretending your monsters and negative emotions aren’t there is stupid. You got to deal with them and accept them even though the process is unpleasant. It helps you grow and stay true and at peace with yourself. It’s like..paying credit card bills. Not the most comfortable thing to do but you gotta do it. Or debt will wreck up. I pride myself in having low emotional debt. I just..also have more emotional costs and transactions than most people because of how self-aware and empathetic I am. But that’s me, you manage your character the best you can. And I do, very well in my opinion (of course there’s always room for improvement.)
But here comes my partner who is largely an external/materialistic person who hates it when I’m upset or unhappy. Doesn’t really understand the whole emotional ranting and confrontation process and therefore is not able to fully respect it…
And it hurts.
It hurts to be labelled as ‘being dramatic’ when I have uncontrollable emotional responses or when I seek to confront them, or when I want to rant about them to get them out of my system.
The silence is doubly scary because there’s no validation and I don’t know what’s going through his head. Is he inwardly judging me? Thinking that I’m being dramatic about nothing? That I’m ridiculous and think too much? Or all the above?
All those doubts form insecurities.
So I’m constantly keeping myself in-check, not allowing myself to feel the full spectrum of my emotions because I’m scared that I’ll be judged and disliked for it. This state is fine if it only happens from time to time, but now he lives with me, I have to be like that 24/7.
Which means I’m juggling:
- Caregiving mode
- Emotional restraint mode
- Personal space needs
All at the same time, 24/7. Good luck not running out of points and getting depressed.
Of course, I need to recognize Pebbi’s efforts of being there for me. He makes sure to check in on me and give me love and affection and comfort the best he can. Just sadly..usually at the wrong times. Because our emotional stamina doesn’t match up. He’s giving love when I’m in personal space mode. I need love when he’s in emotionally drained mode.
It’s no one’s fault, it just is, but we need to work something out.
It doesn’t help that with doubts and insecurities, I feel like I can’t trust his affections. Like I don’t know if he’s doing it all because he loves me and wants to be lovey and affectionate or if he is doing it just to appease my upset self, just doing it to please me. If it’s the latter. It won’t make me happy but will just upset me.
I’m not saying comforting someone is bad, or that affection given during comfort is fake.
It’s just..pardon my assumptions, but with my knowledge of him, if he’s inwardly judging my mood as ridiculous or dramatic, then the comfort I receive isn’t sincere. It’s like a veneer. It’s patronizing. It’s not validating or supportive.
And I really hate myself for having these doubts, I hate that I don’t trust his love.
And it’s really not his fault.
I don’t want him to do things just to make me happy or please me.
That’s not healthy.
And I know my ‘leaving the house’ or ‘walking out’ is not doing any situation any good. But I just..can’t stay because I don’t feel safe. I don’t feel safe to be with my negative emotions when he’s around. And I know it’s terrible because, in Pebbi’s mind, in that case HE should leave so I can feel safe. But him leaving only makes me feel abandoned. So he can’t leave. But if I leave, I’m also making him feel like shit. But I can’t just ‘be happy’ so I have to go to a safe place and feel safe, because my normal safe place is now gone.
…It’s just plain sad that I don’t feel safe in my relationship. And I wonder if I make him feel unsafe to have emotions too. I sure hope not. If you’re reading this, PLEASE DON’T FEEL UNSAFE TO FEEL STUFF AROUND ME. IT’S OKAY. We fight, we make up.
I guess the key problem we really need to address is:
How can we make Nommy feel like it’s safe to be vulnerable and sad in this relationship.
Because right now I just feel like there’s this huge stigma against feeling any negative emotions of any sort in this relationship, and it’s a problem because my life is equal parts full of positive AND negative emotions..at full blast. All day, everyday.
How can we reduce this stigma though?
I already understand why he feels so strongly about negative emotions, especially ones that don’t have ties to real world problems, because we should all be strong enough to deal. Or even if we can’t, it’s not HIS job to deal with it.
And I get why he feels and thinks that way, I really do.
Just..tough love is more traumatic than helpful.
Not saying that I need to be nurtured and wrapped in cotton and shit.
It just..doesn’t feel okay to be me. He says he accepts it, but it’s always with so much resignation. I guess I have to learn to interpret his words for what HE means and not what I think he means. Because… when someone says “Don’t be sorry, that’s just who you are” in that frustrated, resigned tone. It doesn’t make you feel very accepted or loved or validated. And when that person saying it is the person you love..it doesn’t just hurt, it scars. *sigh* But I don’t want him to censor what he ways to me either. Or be tippy toey. He’s already so resistant and reluctant to connect and communicate in the first place. I hardly know what he thinks about things. *bangs head against wall in frustration* Uncertainty leads to anxiety leads to insecurity…*sighs loudly*
But okay, lets summarize:
- We are both getting used to living with each other, and this adaptive period will be difficult because we are fundamentally very different. What I’ve realized that we should work on is
- First, still setting aside quality time and time to connect despite living together
- Second, re-communicate and reaffirm (I can imagine Pebbi rolling his eyes at this already) what we want out of our relationship
- Figure out our mutual boundaries, personal space needs and affection needs. When to give love, when not to disturb etc.
- Get used to having each other around and taking care of each other.
- Make it safe to be vulnerable and feel negative emotions in this relationship.
#2 & 3 are easy to do. #4 & 5 will happen naturally I guess. #6…we will have to beat it together somehow.
Let it be known that the path to a healthy relationship is an arduous and challenging one. Then again, staying healthy generally is challenging and difficult, it’s a lot easier to be lazy and be unhealthy, because..discipline.
And I realized I’ve also strayed very much from the original intention of poly dairies. I mean I’m very happy I figured out the source of insecurity I’m having, but since it actually doesn’t have direct relations to how poly is making me feel.
Okay I guess to just..justify this as a poly dairies post. I was a lil annoyed that he said that he’s looking for girls whom I can do stuff with too. Like…yes I’m open to FFM, but I’m really not the mood for it right now, well right then. It’s kinda like, Nommy’s security points are below 60, FFM has been locked out.
I guess..I know that’s not his intentions, but I don’t like being used as the excuse for his searching for girls? My enjoyment of listening to his adventures and openess to FFM is a happy side-effect. But like, HE enjoys dating other people. And that’s the main motivation (unless I’m wrong), so I don’t like being dragged into it like he’s doing it for me. Don’t fucking be poly for me. I’m not poly for HIS sake. I am because that’s what I believe in.
Also, if he’s really looking for FFM partners, I’d like to actually be INVOLVED in the process, because it won’t work out if I don’t find the girl attractive. And I don’t even know if our types match up. But for now, it’s like..oh he’s messaging other girls, must look away. WHY IS THERE ALL THIS FUCKING TACT. I know privacy is important but like…dude, really? We already know he’s messaging other girls, the pretense of space is for what? What’s there to hide? But wait, he IS a shy and private person so..*grudgingly gives space*. I mean it’d be awesome if I could look through the dating app with him, I mean I don’t want to hijack his love life of course, but if it’s for FFM sake. Like if I was looking for someone for MMF, i’d definitely involve him in the process.
And so just to rant, that girl whose photo he showed me is TOTALLY not my type.
OH I FUCKING GET IT NOW.
I was feeling insecure and there he was chatting up other girls.
Yea I can see why that sets me off.
It’s not that he can’t chat up other girls, but kind of like..put out the fire in your own house first before you go out and play please?
Well…he did notice and he did try to comfort me, I was just..past being appeased by teasing affection, I wanted proper attention and reassurance at that point. But I also didn’t want him to think that I was not okay with him looking. But it’s hard to explain, “No I’m not not okay with the poly arrangement, I’m just insecure for other reasons and because of that you need to focus on me first”. Especially since I’m supposed to be the ‘deal with myself’ girlfriend.
I actually don’t know how healthy it is that it seems like my..redeeming quality is in my emotional independence in this relationship. Because there’s no way I can live up to it 24/7..and it’s also likely what’s contributing to my not feeling safe to be vulnerable in front of him. Because it’s like..the moment I’m sad or vulnerable or weak, I’m not desirable and that fires off the insecurities. Yay -.-
I guess I also have to work on how to ask for attention and reassurance without feeling like I’m doing something wrong or bad.
WHY IS THIS SO FUCKING COMPLICATED AND SO HARD.
I can’t even imagine how much harder it will be if things were poly on my side too *head explodes*. But frankly, that’s also what irks me a little. I mean a huge reason why I’m open to poly and is understanding of him looking around is because my sky scorpion enjoys exploring and dating new people too. I call it playing. Courtship is fun.
I just..don’t actually DO it because people tend to get serious and I’ll end up breaking people’s hearts and I’ll feel like an absolute jerk. Also, I can be very hot and cold and lead people on, because I have limited HP. I only want to play when I have points, when I don’t I can’t deal with another human. And it’s a pretty dick move and I don’t want to be a dick to another person. Finally, my INFJ self also finds it pretty pointless to pursuit something that doesn’t have a future, that I know isn’t going to work out.
Like..if I already know it’s going to end badly (I have yet to see a non-bad breaking up), why would I bother investing effort in something that has no future?
I guess now that I have a LTR, the last point is moot. I already have something for the long term so it’s okay to date casually outside. But points and leading people on…and drama. *shudders*
So for the above reasons I’m okay with not opening my side of the relationship up, but it still irks me..well more like I’m envious.
I WANNA HAVE FUN TOO!
And knowing that I can’t because he’ll feel insecure..it’s the principle of it.
House arrest vs willingly staying at home.
Not that there are contenders right now.
But honestly, if there was a contender that made me want to request to open my side of the relationship up, it probably wouldn’t be for casual dating either and that’ll REALLY make Pebbi insecure.
Because based on what Pebbi has said, he seems more aligned to open relationship sort of polyamory than full on polyamorous (aka multiple serious relationships). Whereas I’m open to both.
So he probably views me being polyamorous as more risky than him being polyamorous. (Which is utterly ridiculous by the way.)
But that being said this envy is also something that needs to be addressed. But I’m also worried that I’m also allowed to date casually outside..this will devolve into a grudge match. Like a, ‘you have date today okay so will i’. Like…the whole situation is just a whole other can of worms I don’t want to open.
The only can I want to open now is soup.
I’m hungry. This poly dairies is officially over.
Chocomon out, and WHERE THE FUCK ARE THE SINGTEL PEOPLE.