Because everyone’s busy

Hey bloggy!

Everyone’s busy right now and I just ABSOLUTELY had to get this out of my system.

Don’t worry it’s nothing bad.

I’m just..trying my best not laugh myself silly.

So a while back, like a couple weeks back, someone asked me about what my ideal type is.

I said I didn’t have an ideal type.

I just want someone who respects me and my freedom and accepts who I am.

All true.

Then today I was organizing my notes on evernote and found a note aptly labelled: Ideal Type

And guess who fits the type to a T?

BRB, off to laugh myself to death

Because everyone’s busy

Positive reinforcement

Why consistent positive ‘reinforcement of a message is so important.

It sounds terrible but its true, we humans have the attention span of a goldfish.

Once a message is out of sight, its out of mind.

The power of an invigorating talk can fade in the matter old days if not hours.

To keep up the effect you need to constantly repeat the message. Recreate the environment.

That’s why anime works, you repeatedly watch a program that keeps rehashing the same message until it becomes a part of you.

That’s why media needs to tirelessly churn out the same message over and over again until becomes common knowledge, a constant fact that people will take action. Especially with things like war, and sustainability.

Positive reinforcement

Chocomon guide to dealing with panic attacks

See, I’ve got depression. I’ve got a great handle on my depression but when I’m out of points, it relapses.

In my depressed state, I tend to be sensitive to…everything in the world, especially anxiety and panic attacks.

Many things can set me off.

Today it was sudden appearance of human.

But anyways, how do I calm the fuck down?

1. Identify the cause
2. Accept and understand said cause but do not give it power by dwelling on it
3. Get sugar in your system. Especially if you haven’t eaten the whole day

Chocomon guide to dealing with panic attacks

That piano in minor chord

I don’t like being out of points.

When I’m drained, I feel like my sense of self is drowning in an infinite sea of…weightless grey ocean of existence. Murky doubts and insecurities, they don’t cut, they just cloud, not cloying but enough to make breathing difficult.

It’s always best to not do any thinking when I’m like that. Because I’m not thinking clearly in emotional limbo.

Just marinading myself in this ocean until points recharge. I want to curl up in my bed and play all those songs in minor chord.

But I need to do groceries.

That piano in minor chord

Just people

I give up, like what is HP.

People are too complicated.

Too much facets to think about and deal with.

Sometimes the world is so much easier if you just hermit yourself.

So here’s my 6inch of solid steel walls.

Come back when I have points to be awed by humans again.

Just people

The underlying reason

I really want to know why my mom asking me about my schedule pisses me me off.

It’s only her, anyone else who asks, I’m fine. Well…okay maybe with some rare exceptions. One exception.

I guess…I don’t know.

I just hypothesized that it’s the judgement.

See, when Emily asked me about my schedules and I got pissed off, it’s largely due to the fact that she asks so she can wriggle herself in, but what really angers me is the judgement.

She’ll judge if I’m too busy (too busy for her) and make unnecessary and unsupportive comments.

Hence the only conclusion I can come to about why my mom asking pisses me off is that I’m afraid that she’ll judge me and make unnecessary comments. It doesn’t help that she’s the only person who CAN control my life and limit my freedom, even if she doesn’t know it.

I know this is grossly unfair to her because for the longest time now she’s been supportive. It’s just…I feel like my freedom has been infringed upon, or is at risk of being infringed upon whenever she asks about my schedule.

To my credit, she does unknowingly spout some..EP draining comments. But she’s improving. And I don’t want her asking me what I’m up to to immediately shut down my day.

Thing is, I’m not actually doing anything wrong, and I’m an adult, I can do whatever I want with my life.

I guess it also feels like there’s no trust. I know that’s not the case and she just wants to know so that she can not be worried. Which is fair.

But it also makes me feel like I need to follow exactly what I told her I’d do. Lose flexibility in my life, my freedom. That irks me.

I think it all boils down to the fact that I’ve been living my life simply around her convenience that now I just want all and any time that I don’t give her to be whatever I want and to be left alone.

Like…mom-free time basically.

Because once she asks, to absolutely no fault of hers, I’ll start worrying if any of my schedules worry her, will cause her to freak out/have a negative reaction etc. Normally she doesn’t. But she’s my mom, any slightest sign of discomfort on her end, I immediately feel guilt. Then anger because I’m not doing anything wrong, why should I feel guilty?

In conclusion:
-I’m worried about how my mom will react to my schedules. Will she have a dramatic reaction? Will she judge?
-this then angers me and annoys me
-I’m scared to have her infringe upon my life, even if it’s well-meaning. (Cause things usually get complicated and ends up being altered to suit her convenience) and compromise my freedom, the one line I absolutely can’t stand people stepping on. 
-on my own end, a feeling of mistrust and judgement whenever she asks. Built from years of conditioning

So yeah..I don’t really know how to fix this.

I guess all I can do is talk to her and set up some rules. Like on my end I will try to condition my brain to be positive about this. On her end, we’ll have agreements. She can ask, but she mustn’t ask repeatedly, or make well-making infringing offers, and to not disturb my alone time unless it’s something important. And to maybe cut the subconscious kicked puppy/pitiful aura that makes me feel like I did something wrong or didn’t take care of her. (Oh, that is what bothers me.) And maybe it’d help if she didn’t make judgemental comments at all….but that’s a bonus I won’t push for.

Yea, that’s all we can do really. Now I’m really out of EP but I feel much better. Okay, let’s do this!

The underlying reason

I miss writing

By the gods do I miss writing.

Writing and I have a..unique connection.

The words, they listen to me. They react to me. I can weave things, pictures, baskets, people, a world. Emotions.

It’s an intimate thing we have going on. It’s the world in my head, taking shape in the real world. Words I will never say to anyone else, things I never show, stories I never tell. Thoughts only my writing are privy to.

And the world, the world of words is so glorious, limited only by the boundaries of my mind and breadth of the language. I sometimes live in it, for days, for months. Living lives that are not mine, feeling emotions that we not mine. Being multiple people simultaneously, it’s breathtaking.

I miss writing, I miss it so much.

I miss writing