Hi blog, I come seeking wisdom.
I think there’s like a wise spirit of myself embedded into my blog.
So, back to my problems.
I know I’m just low on HP and depression is acting up, but even so, I should still face the problems and resolve them because shoving problems into little corners of your head is bad.
-What am I doing with my life
These problems are associated.
So I really want to have a kid, more like I really want the parenting experience, it’s a part of life I want to experience.
I just also happen to think that parenting should be experienced at a certain stage of your life.
…Okay I’m not putting this across well.
I’m disappointed in myself for not wanting to make the sacrifices having kids will bring.
But I know logically that that is because at this CURRENT stage of my life, these are sacrifices I’m not ready to make.
Emotionally though, I’m quite upset that something as wonderful as childbirth requires all these sacrifices.
People are worried about stretch marks? I’m worried about devarication of recti.THE TEARING OF CONNECTIVE TISSUES OF YOUR ABDOMEN K.
No doubt pregnancy puts stress on your body, it’s just…guys this is the 21st century, shouldn’t we have come up with ways to manage them!?
These are serious issues, that the permanent loosening of hip tendons and shit. IT AFFECTS YOUR POSTURE!
And now I feel bad to my mom for being born.
I know I shouldn’t and she loves me, and I love her, it’s just, IT’S NOT FAIR.
WHY MUST BRINGING WONDERFUL PEOPLE INTO THE WORLD COST SO MUCH HEALTH DAMAGE TO A WOMAN GOD DAMMIT.
I fundamentally refuse to believe that this is how it should be.
I guess logically I know it’s an like an ulti, so naturally it has repercussions, but I stand by the fact that there should be steps and plans people can do to have a healthy pregnancy and recovery after it. I know I will plan one before I even get pregnant.
But yea, lets go back to simpler things.
I’m not completely unbothered by the aesthetical changes having a kid will have on you, and I’m also upset with myself by that.
A part of me is just like ‘your value isn’t based on your looks’ and honestly this isn’t even about guys. I (if I could double capitalize the word ‘I’, I would) want to enjoy/feel good about myself. Is that so wrong? To want yourself to look good? I feel like we’re demonizing looking good, what’s wrong with having balanced standards for yourself?
On the other hand though, things like stretch marks are like wrinkles are they not?
Damage to your ligaments, your muscles, those impact your ability to enjoy your life.
Hair loss, stretch marks, they don’t. Unless enjoying life requires you to look like a 20 something year old.
I believe that life has different stages, and at different stages of our lives, we are to enjoy different things. I honestly don’t think I’d want to wear mini-skirts and crop tops at age 40. So wear and tear of the body won’t bother me at that age.
I also believe that you won’t get anywhere unless you let go of somethings.
I think when old age sets in, you’re not gonna care much about looks anymore, life isn’t about looks in the first place, it’s about being yourself and enjoying what the world has to offer.
I’d imagine at age 60 or 70, grey hair and wrinkles and stretch marks won’t bother you, you’d be at a stage of your life whereby the aesthetics of your body won’t really matter to you anymore, or you’ll have brand new standards because ageing does happen to every mortal. Actually not just aesthetics, your knees, your spine, your whole body would show wear and tear issues, then basically aren’t pregnancy damage just default damage people have to suffer while ageing as well?
I feel like parenting is a stage of my life I really want to experience, pain and hardship and all.
So I really thought about it, I should enjoy my pre-pregnancy stage of my life to the fullest and have no regrets when I do have a kid. It’s a willing sacrifice I make, and I’ll do my best to manage and minimize these sacrifices. But I shouldn’t make my kid feel bad that I had to give up so much, because I want him or her to know that bringing them into the world is a GOOD thing, ushering new life into the world is wonderful, yes there are costs, but they should be manageable. Hell I want to be healthy enough to enjoy life with them. I want them to have an awesome mother.(Am I implying I’ll have 2 kids? hm…)
I’m 23 now, I want to have a kid at 29…that gives me 6 years. Seems long but also short. In 6 years I need to enjoy my youth to the fullest. Wear all the crazy clothes, do all the travelling, be as self-indulgent as possible.
Why 29? Because 29 is the age where there are least health impacts to having a kid. Life is a game, strategizing is important. But so is enjoying the game and balancing the two..is probably one of the hardest things to do.
Honestly, I feel like all the other problems, I just need motivation and tenacity to resolve them. Like how I’ve battled my screwy spine and ligaments and just body in general. Stretch marks are like my boobs, you learn to love them, or fix them, manage them etc. Basically there’s a will there’s a way.
I just…I don’t know if I’ll be done with myself in 6 years.
Like it’s not even about being selfish, or to me it isn’t because your kid doesn’t deserve your half-hearted attempt at parenting. They don’t deserve to suffer your wanderlust, grudges you nurse about things you can’t do anything.
You need to get as much of it out of your system as possible so when your kid comes you can fully enjoy the parenting experience.
Like I believe that everyone needs to take care of themselves well first before they take care of others, so therefore you shouldn’t go dealing with the life of another if you haven’t gotten yours sorted yet.
I don’t know if I’ll be done with my life in 6 years or not. As in the part of my life where I only need to work on myself.
I know that I won’t lose everything once I have a kid, after all the stories I’ve read, I’ve come to realize parenting is a community thing.
It’s not meant to be done alone. Doesn’t mean single-parenting isn’t okay, just means you need a support system. People to look after your kids when you need to heal. People to look after YOU, before, during and after pregnancy. Lots of people to share and exchange values and stories to show your kids. Lots of love can’t possible hurt. You can still work, you can even bring your kids around to travel to with you, you just need strategies to do so and people to help.
But yea back to my point, 6 years. If that’s the aim, I don’t know if I’m doing a good job right now.
I need to:
- Do all my solo see the world travelling
- Become financially stable to support a kid (WHILE living the project-based life I like)
- Work on myself
- Generally enjoy life as a free spirit.
Okay so it’s not a lot of things, but still a lot of blanket things…
Look I don’t think there’s a mold ‘mothers’ or ‘parents’ should adhere to, even if you have a kid, you’re still yourself, just with a kid. People have continued to be awesome after having a kid, continued to travel, continued to work, while being great parents. I can still travel, make crazy fun events, wear weird clothes, game; I’d just be a weird mom but I’ve always been weird, that’s nothing new.
I just..don’t feel like I’m doing myself justice with the 6 years that I have.
WHAT AM I DOING NOW!?
But on the other hand, I feel like, I’m being sustainable now, and running the household smoothly is good and important. Isn’t what we’re aiming for a sustainable life style? And this month is all about resting, healing and cleaning up your life? I keep talking about the importance of down time, well this is it.
It’s just..will I be too late to hit my 6 year goal? Will I really live the 6 years the way I really want to, emphasis on ‘I’.
Of course, once my kid gets older, they’ll want to have their life and I’ll have more alone time to live my life. Our lives intersect the most during infancy and childhood, but teenage years is where both the child and I slowly get more independence back in our lives. I will still have space to do stuff I want then. And it won’t be selfish because, my kids will have things they want to do.
Basically, it’s important for all humans to be able to have their own lives and enjoy life alone.
It’s a crucial life skill.
So I guess this post just comes down to I’m not satisfied with how I’m living my life now?
(Honestly, not really?)
Okay, so this post just comes down to I’m sacred that I’ll live the rest of my 6 years the way I’m living my life now.
Because this state is a short-term state, for resting.
Chocomon, this is wise cactus riri speaking, after you’re done with all the organizing and resting, KICK YOUR ASS INTO HIGH GEAR FOR ALL THE PLANNING, PROJECTS, WRITING, READING AND STUDYING! Oh and travelling. Yes, the grand adventures.
Okay..I admit I’ve been putting off the life-planning…just 10 more days till transcripts come in! (Am I honestly going to finish my degree or is that just an excuse? Sounds like an excuse to me hm..)
Right, but importantly, stay on-track with the current organizing and resting plan/.
No rush! We will get there…and get so sick of all the work and travelling we have managed to invent.
BALANCED LIFE is not easy.