Hey past me,
I know you’ll never get this letter, but I wish that there was some way you could receive this.
So I was reading this fic, it was called broken, I really shouldn’t have read it because I’m crying my eyes out now.
You, I…we, are so much stronger now that we sometimes forget how broken we were.
I thought you deserved to know how much stronger, better, happier we have become.
Because you really need to know.
I know you hate yourself right now, I know you hate the world, you hate the mess that you are, you hate life for making you this way and you hate yourself for being so weak that you let yourself get mangled like that.
I know that sometimes you wonder if you broke yourself, why can’t you just be happy.
I know, I really know.
And I want to tell you just how strong you are, and how amazing you are and how grateful I am that you aren’t, did not and will not give up on yourself.
That you decided to just accept how much you hated the state you were in and get your shit together.
I know you really need to hear this from me because there is probably no one else around you right now to tell you all these things.
I know you’re probably crying to yourself, alone in the toilet dredging up every miserable memory you ever had about you crying there, whispering words of comfort to yourself even though they feel like lies because it’s the only you can keep yourself sane. And you probably marvel at the back of your head how fucked up you are that you still have the braincells left to comfort yourself even though you feel like a wreck.
I know you hate yourself for being so strong sometimes that you can’t break. That you want to just pass out, or maybe just give in and kill yourself so someone else can pick up after you.
I also know that you know, with sobering clarity that there will be no one. There is no one, that you are truly all alone.
I’m not enabling you to hate them, I know all your hate is for yourself. I want you to know that years down the road, you don’t hate these people for not being there. You know why they can’t, you understand why they couldn’t be, you sympathize with their struggles. Although sometimes you feel like punching them for telling you in your face about how sorry they are to not have been there and listen to their excuses. It gets a little annoying that they’re so shameless about it. That they don’t know how bad it was. Sometimes the urge to show them how bad it was is still there, it’s not to guilt them, just…to want people to know, to share. It’s cathartic.
But I’ve kind of strayed, like we always do.
I’m writing this letter to you to thank you for being strong, strong enough to admit that you were weak, that you aren’t perfect, that you need to be selfish, to be human and just be happy. I know you don’t feel that way, but who we are right now, we aren’t strong like you right now. We’re happy, we’re stable, we’re good. But we’re not strong, at least not compared to you.
It takes courage, so much courage, to just look at the wreck within yourself and not run away, and just accept reality; accept that no one will come fix you up, that yes you are broken, your world is broken and you need to just start picking up the pieces and not just fix it and make it better.
It was a painful journey, but you fucking made it, you’re amazing now.
Thank you, just, thank you. I wouldn’t be me without you being you.
Some days, we think about burying the past, we feel ashamed of who we were because we are better now.
Those days are no more, because without past us admitting that we need to get our shit together, we wouldn’t be where we are. Past us’ mistakes are what makes us strong. Makes us, us.
So hate yourself a little less k? I know you really need a hug right now, I wish I could be there to give it to you, because no one deserves to go through what you’ve had to go through all alone. But fucking hell woman, you did, you did it. I’m proud of you, so proud.
Your suffering isn’t for nothing, you’ll learn so much from this, you’ll be able to help so many people because of this pain.
There will be days that you’re so put together now that you forget, and you’re unable to sympathize, but I promise, we won’t forget. We will wear this scar proudly.
So past me, hang in there k? I hope, that magically, some how, some way, you will be able to feel all the love and energy I’m sending to you right now. Not that you need it, but it’s the though that counts?
Eternal love and gratitude (and mild concern about my level of narcissism after writing this letter)
Present (future?) me.