Ironies in life

So I just finished my epic life-planning and I thought I’d just rant a little about the ironies in life.

A few years back my mom told me that she’d back me to open my own company.

I adamantly refused, actually till now, I still don’t want to start my own start-up and become an entrepreneur.

I don’t feel like I’m ready to actually run a company.

I still feel that way.

But what IS ironic is that I dropped out and my life-plan basically involves self-study, travel and…doing my own projects; the latter is pretty much starting my own company all but in name.

I’ve more or less decided to start my own social enterprise that is operationally event-based to to events and projects every year to gain experience and learn. Because…well it’s more realistic than school in my opinion and you’re out here making a difference even when you fail.

…Yea..so I’m essentially doing a start-up but not doing a start-up/

Just found it quite ironic how for all intents and purposes I’m doing what I said I wouldn’t.

Honestly, I still don’t see the two as one and the same in terms of objectives.

If I started my own company in earnest, it’ll be a full-time commitment thing that is doing this to succeed and to actually WORK.

In this case, this entity I’m starting is kinda like PMS, more freelance/ad-hoc and for the purpose of failing to learn.

So I guess operationally and intention wise it’s not the same.

But on the surface…it’s still kinda the same…so…yup, ironies in life!

Now back to calculating costs for trip.

Ironies in life

We are doing something wrong

Dear society,

I think we’re doing something wrong.

No really, I think we are.

So many people are not happy. Are suffering.

We are definitely doing something wrong.

Actually, I know we’re definitely doing many things wrong, and I also know many people are trying to either make the best of it or fix it.

But I’d still like to bring to light a few things I think we’re screwing up that isn’t political or financial.

Marriage, childbirth and parenting.

We made so many structures for ourselves that I think in trying to adhere to all of them, we are making things that don’t work the way they SHOULD or the way that’d make people happy.

I think the day love culminated in marriage was the day we doomed ourselves.

So much goes into marriage, except it has become the standard when it should have been a lifestyle choice for a suited few.

This whole misogyny, women finding value in their attractiveness/worthiness to men? I think a lot of it has to do with marriage.

I have so much less worries in my life, in every aspect of my life because I don’t plan to get married. I would like to have love, but it doesn’t have to end in marriage.

Correct me if I’m wrong, I think LGBT love more purely. I’m sure some of them do stem love in physical attributes, but most of them don’t, or the ones I know don’t.

There doesn’t seem to be all these, settling down concerns. Hell even gay parents seem to have less expectations of their partner, they chose parenting and they’ll get through it together.

It isn’t enforced on them, it’s a choice. And because it’s a choice, they do it properly.

I think when we have expectations, expected roles, that’s the moment we’re fucking things up.

Like parenting.

Parents expect themselves to be some way, society expect parents to be a certain way and kids expect parents to be like parents.

But in actuality parenting isn’t a standardized test. It’s an experience. Different children, different parents add up to a different parenting experience. Expecting moms to change the diapers and dads to win the bread is how fights start. Expecting mom to be 10000% responsible for the kid is how women start burning out. Expecting parents to do the sole childrearing is why marriages start to strain.

Lets think about this logistically. You have 2 human beings, or more often than not, one human being, who are expected to care for another human being who needs 24/7 attention for 18 years of their life. Factoring in the physical and mental limitations of a person and this little thing called time, we realize that it’s doable but not efficient or sustainable to place such responsibilities on two human beings. Power in numbers, teamwork, synergy. We came up with these BRILLIANT ideas for work that honestly work in life too.

Raising your child as a community, coworking spaces+ childcare…guys, parenting, raising a kid, BEING RESPONSIBLE FOR ANOTHER HUMAN BEING’S LIFE is OBVIOUSLY a HUGE responsibility. Why on earth would you ever think that such a responsibility could be handled efficiently by ONE person. We don’t leave ONE person to run a whole country. There’s a whole fucking government, even monarchies have a whole government. Being responsible for the lives of millions is not that different from being responsible for the life of one. It’s fundamentally the same thing. So why are we forcing just 1 or 2 people to do the job we normally save for an entire office of uniquely qualified people?

Raising children should be something a GROUP of people do together, cavemen had tribes k! Not unlike lion prides. I think there was a reason.

But because we made marriage happen, and monogamy somehow made it not normal to raise kids together.

Can you imagine having 4-5 people taking turns changing diapers? Doing laundry? Sending kids to school? Helping with homework? First the kid gets diversity, second everyone gets to rest and alone-time. Sure you can have a ‘main’ care-taker, the biological parents, but yea, even parents need down-time, alone time. Grumpy, grudge-filled parents do more harm than good.

And look, since we’re on the topic of childrearing is a community business, like healthcare and public transport, shouldn’t a lot of standard infrastructure for kids BE paid by public. Basic education? Baby goods? I mean if you have extra cash to buy candy and specialized goods, be my guest, but that’s extra stuff. If everyone in one community split the cost of raising all the kids (along with the responsibility), childrearing wouldn’t be so taxing or tiring. And there’s no such thing as too much love for a kid. And trust me, kids are quite capable of bringing joy to everyone.

Then there’s childbirth. First we don’t talk about the dangers and risks and repercussions of it, then we over glorify it, then we say it’s okay to not do it, but lament the lowering birth rates…but WHAT ARE WE DOING TO IMPROVE IT!?

We agree children are gifts, they’re the future, raising children is one of the best things in the world.

So basically childbirth is a GOOD thing.

But most good things usually come with catches.

Childbirth is one of them, but we feel the need to make childbirth perfect and wonderful just because having children is generally meaningful.

Look, fact is, pushing a kid out of your body is immensely taxing on your body.

That is a fact, a very logical fact if you think about the science behind it.

Doesn’t change the fact that having kids is wonderful.

But since we AGREE having kids is wonderful, but giving birth ISN’T, shouldn’t we do something to make the process better so the breakeven cost of childbirth is LOWER!?

We’re helping kids feel less bad about being born.

No one likes to bring pain to others for things they can’t help.

SACRIFICE SHOULDN’T BE GLORIFIED.

Sacrifice is a necessary evil, we should appreciate it but not popularize it.

It should be a last resort, not the default option.

But we’ve made sacrifice the default option haven’t we?

We’ve just given in.

Being parents means we must sacrifice our time, our love, our marriage. Childbirth means we must sacrifice our bodies. Marriage means we must sacrifice our freedom.

When a lot of all these sacrifices can be resolved by:

-changing perceptions

-creating systems

-educating people

-innovation

And the excuse of how it can fuck up really is just that, an excuse.

WE WENT TO THE FUCKING MOON.

WE HAVE SEX CHANGE REGIMES.

WE FIGURED OUT BIRTH CONTROL.

WE CREATED NUCLEAR PLANTS.

WE HAVE SUBMARINES.

WE HAVE VIOLATED MORE LAWS OF NATURE THAN ANY SPECIES IN THE FUCKING WORLD.

Why are we not breaking the ‘rules’ that aren’t even made by nature to make OUR own lives happier and better.

I really DO NOT get it.

This isn’t even something like communism or free market, you know, ideologies that might be radically different and damaging in practice?

These are little things, well not little, but definitely reasonable things that aren’t all that different from lowering infant mortality rate, or creating vaccines.

Minimizing the physical harm of childbirth shouldn’t be that impossible, there just isn’t enough noise surrounding it.

People aren’t that heartless, I’m sure plenty of parents would LOVE the community support and sharing of burden, they just don’t know that it’s okay to reach out yet.

Many people just want to love each other and not have husband-wife expectations of you clean I work, we must marry and have kids. They just don’t know what other ways there are to be together.

So once again society, WE ARE DOING SOMETHING WRONG.

 

We are doing something wrong

The good, the bad and the meh

I think I’m blessed, to have seen, or at least glimpsed, the worst of what human depravity can offer.

But I’ve also seen the best that humanity can offer.

Then there’s just what general humanity is and isn’t offering.

But I digress.

I’ve learnt some hard lessons, like how some men are scum. Yes there are fathers in this world who wants their kids aborted, there are fathers in this world who will kick their own child out after a new marriage, fathers who will take money from their child and family, fathers who will sue their pwn fathers…. There are abusive parents and spouses, men and women both, gay or straight. Convoluted mothers, cheating husbands, backstabbing friends.

What I’ve learnt is that these people aren’t ‘evil’. Some are, at their core they aren’t good people, but in general they aren’t devil incarnate. They’re not the epitome of evil. They’re just…weaker, more prone to human weaknesses. Emotional weakness brings out the worst in us.

That’s the source of human depravity, or at least that’s how I see it.

But I’ve also seen the good, some of the best.

Unconditional love of a mother, finding true love at old age, non-judgmental friendships, forgiveness and acceptance of your close ones, small acts of kindness on the street, words of encouragement from a complete stranger, people being nice just because they can. I have met saints, romantics and ex-cynics.

Then there’s all the things in between, compromised decisions that are neither the best nor the worst, that doesn’t really do any damage or leave any impact in the long-run.

Actually the word ‘seen’ is kind of incorrect.

I’ve experienced, either first or second hand how fucked up and depraved humans can get.

I’ve also experienced how wonderful and good (for the lack of a better word) humans can be. How much we can overcome our weakness, our darkness and our selfishness.

Perhaps because I saw more of the bad first.

It made seeing the good something to appreciate, to find hope in.

I know it’s always easy to come to terms with the bad, on many days I find myself rolling around in anguish at the unjust, the unfairness that is part of life.

Sometimes though, I manage to rise above all that, rise above good and bad and only see life and death.

Living in the moment is important, living in the now, in the world we are in RIGHT NOW is important.

But spirituality reminds you that there will be something, even if that something is ‘nothing’ beyond now, beyond this world.

Experiencing all that, in its entirety means seeing the good, the bad and the meh. Or maybe, the bad, the good and the meh.

I can sort of understand now why monks and other spiritual practitioners are so detached from the material world, the human world.

When what sustains your soul, your being (by sustain I don’t mean physically sustain of course) comes not from the things around you but your mind and what’s connected to it..all our concerns do seem ridiculously small.

I’m straying again though.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, appreciate the good, work on reducing the bad and accept the meh; and if you find it in you, do more good.

It’s so easy to be cynical, but we are stronger than that.

We are, and because I’ve seen it, I can believe. I will do it.

The good, the bad and the meh

Our bodies.

Our bodies are vessels we live in.

My body is the vessel I live in, but it is not me.

I have a responsibility to myself to take care of this vessel and be in tune with it so I can experience life to the best of my ability.

But every scar, every mark, every injury I gain is proof of what I’ve done, how I’ve lived, what I’ve experienced.

We should take good care of our vessel and avoid unnecessary harm to them.

But meaningful marks are necessary to show how you’ve lived your life.

We shouldn’t reject the marks of time, the wrinkles, the surgery scars, the burns marks, the stretch marks. They tell the story of how we have lived.

It’s hard, but sometimes we must remember that we are our soul. We just wear our body.

You can make it reflect your soul, but it’s not representative of you.

Your body is not you.

Our bodies.

Clear the mind

Hi blog, I come seeking wisdom.

I think there’s like a wise spirit of myself embedded into my blog.

So, back to my problems.

I know I’m just low on HP and depression is acting up, but even so, I should still face the problems and resolve them because shoving problems into little corners of your head is bad.

Today’s problem:

-Kids

-What am I doing with my life

These problems are associated.

So I really want to have a kid, more like I really want the parenting experience, it’s a part of life I want to experience.

I just also happen to think that parenting should be experienced at a certain stage of your life.

…Okay I’m not putting this across well.

I’m disappointed in myself for not wanting to make the sacrifices having kids will bring.

But I know logically that that is because at this CURRENT stage of my life, these are sacrifices I’m not ready to make.

Emotionally though, I’m quite upset that something as wonderful as childbirth requires all these sacrifices.

People are worried about stretch marks? I’m worried about devarication of recti.THE TEARING OF CONNECTIVE TISSUES OF YOUR ABDOMEN K.

No doubt pregnancy puts stress on your body, it’s just…guys this is the 21st century, shouldn’t we have come up with ways to manage them!?

These are serious issues, that the permanent loosening of hip tendons and shit. IT AFFECTS YOUR POSTURE!

And now I feel bad to my mom for being born.

I know I shouldn’t and she loves me, and I love her, it’s just, IT’S NOT FAIR.

WHY MUST BRINGING WONDERFUL PEOPLE INTO THE WORLD COST SO MUCH HEALTH DAMAGE TO A WOMAN GOD DAMMIT.

I fundamentally refuse to believe that this is how it should be.

I guess logically I know it’s an like an ulti, so naturally it has repercussions, but I stand by the fact that there should be steps and plans people can do to have a healthy pregnancy and recovery after it. I know I will plan one before I even get pregnant.

But yea, lets go back to simpler things.

I’m not completely unbothered by the aesthetical changes having a kid will have on you, and I’m also upset with myself by that.

A part of me is just like ‘your value isn’t based on your looks’ and honestly this isn’t even about guys. I (if I could double capitalize the word ‘I’, I would) want to enjoy/feel good about myself. Is that so wrong? To want yourself to look good? I feel like we’re demonizing looking good, what’s wrong with having balanced standards for yourself?

On the other hand though, things like stretch marks are like wrinkles are they not?

Damage to your ligaments, your muscles, those impact your ability to enjoy your life.

Hair loss, stretch marks, they don’t. Unless enjoying life requires you to look like a 20 something year old.

I believe that life has different stages, and at different stages of our lives, we are to enjoy different things. I honestly don’t think I’d want to wear mini-skirts and crop tops at age 40. So wear and tear of the body won’t bother me at that age.

I also believe that you won’t get anywhere unless you let go of somethings.

I think when old age sets in, you’re not gonna care much about looks anymore, life isn’t about looks in the first place, it’s about being yourself and enjoying what the world has to offer.

I’d imagine at age 60 or 70, grey hair and wrinkles and stretch marks won’t bother you, you’d be at a stage of your life whereby the aesthetics of your body won’t really matter to you anymore, or you’ll have brand new standards because ageing does happen to every mortal. Actually not just aesthetics, your knees, your spine, your whole body would show wear and tear issues, then basically aren’t pregnancy damage just default damage people have to suffer while ageing as well?

I feel like parenting is a stage of my life I really want to experience, pain and hardship and all.

So I really thought about it, I should enjoy my pre-pregnancy stage of my life to the fullest and have no regrets when I do have a kid. It’s a willing sacrifice I make, and I’ll do my best to manage and minimize these sacrifices. But I shouldn’t make my kid feel bad that I had to give up so much, because I want him or her to know that bringing them into the world is a GOOD thing, ushering new life into the world is wonderful, yes there are costs, but they should be manageable. Hell I want to be healthy enough to enjoy life with them. I want them to have an awesome mother.(Am I implying I’ll have 2 kids? hm…)

I’m 23 now, I want to have a kid at 29…that gives me 6 years. Seems long but also short. In 6 years I need to enjoy my youth to the fullest. Wear all the crazy clothes, do all the travelling, be as self-indulgent as possible.

Why 29? Because 29 is the age where there are least health impacts to having a kid. Life is a game, strategizing is important. But so is enjoying the game and balancing the two..is probably one of the hardest things to do.

Honestly, I feel like all the other problems, I just need motivation and tenacity to resolve them. Like how I’ve battled my screwy spine and ligaments and just body in general. Stretch marks are like my boobs, you learn to love them, or fix them, manage them etc. Basically there’s a will there’s a way.

I just…I don’t know if I’ll be done with myself in 6 years.

Like it’s not even about being selfish, or to me it isn’t because your kid doesn’t deserve your half-hearted attempt at parenting. They don’t deserve to suffer your wanderlust, grudges you nurse about things you can’t do anything.

You need to get as much of it out of your system as possible so when your kid comes you can fully enjoy the parenting experience.

Like I believe that everyone needs to take care of themselves well first before they take care of others, so therefore you shouldn’t go dealing with the life of another if you haven’t gotten yours sorted yet.

I don’t know if I’ll be done with my life in 6 years or not. As in the part of my life where I only need to work on myself.

I know that I won’t lose everything once I have a kid, after all the stories I’ve read, I’ve come to realize parenting is a community thing.

It’s not meant to be done alone. Doesn’t mean single-parenting isn’t okay, just means you need a support system. People to look after your kids when you need to heal. People to look after YOU, before, during and after pregnancy. Lots of people to share and exchange values and stories to show your kids. Lots of love can’t possible hurt. You can still work, you can even bring your kids around to travel to with you, you just need strategies to do so and people to help.

But yea back to my point, 6 years. If that’s the aim, I don’t know if I’m doing a good job right now.

I need to:

  • Do all my solo see the world travelling
  • Become financially stable to support a kid (WHILE living the project-based life I like)
  • Work on myself
  • Generally enjoy life as a free spirit.

Okay so it’s not a lot of things, but still a lot of blanket things…

Look I don’t think there’s a mold ‘mothers’ or ‘parents’ should adhere to, even if you have a kid, you’re still yourself, just with a kid. People have continued to be awesome after having a kid, continued to travel, continued to work, while being great parents. I can still travel, make crazy fun events, wear weird clothes, game; I’d just be a weird mom but I’ve always been weird, that’s nothing new.

I just..don’t feel like I’m doing myself justice with the 6 years that I have.

WHAT AM I DOING NOW!?

But on the other hand, I feel like, I’m being sustainable now, and running the household smoothly is good and important. Isn’t what we’re aiming for a sustainable life style? And this month is all about resting, healing and cleaning up your life? I keep talking about the importance of down time, well this is it.

It’s just..will I be too late to hit my 6 year goal? Will I really live the 6 years the way I really want to, emphasis on ‘I’.

Of course, once my kid gets older, they’ll want to have their life and I’ll have more alone time to live my life. Our lives intersect the most during infancy and childhood, but teenage years is where both the child and I slowly get more independence back in our lives. I will still have space to do stuff I want then. And it won’t be selfish because, my kids will have things they want to do.

Basically, it’s important for all humans to be able to have their own lives and enjoy life alone.

It’s a crucial life skill.

So I guess this post just comes down to I’m not satisfied with how I’m living my life now?

(Honestly, not really?)

Okay, so this post just comes down to I’m sacred that I’ll live the rest of my 6 years the way I’m living my life now.

Yes.

Because this state is a short-term state, for resting.

Chocomon, this is wise cactus riri speaking, after you’re done with all the organizing and resting, KICK YOUR ASS INTO HIGH GEAR FOR ALL THE PLANNING, PROJECTS, WRITING, READING AND STUDYING! Oh and travelling. Yes, the grand adventures.

Okay..I admit I’ve been putting off the life-planning…just 10 more days till transcripts come in! (Am I honestly going to finish my degree or is that just an excuse? Sounds like an excuse to me hm..)

Right, but importantly, stay on-track with the current organizing and resting plan/.

*nods*

No rush! We will get there…and get so sick of all the work and travelling we have managed to invent.

BALANCED LIFE is not easy.

=D

Clear the mind