Choice

You chose to abuse me.

I chose to understand that it came from an insecurity and that if I showed you enough love, you will finally feel safe and stop being abusive.

Then I realized that it’ll never be enough.

And that’s not my problem.

You chose to never trust, never feel safe, never put ytourself at risk. You chose to never care, never feel, never be accountable, never repent, never love.

You chose abuse.

So I chose to not be abused.

Love has nothing to do with this equation.

Letting someone abuse you is NOT an act of love.

I don’t need to allow myself to be abused to prove my love.

Choosing not to hate someone for abusing you is not an act of acceptance or forgiveness.

Understanding abuse is not permission to let someone abuse you.

I don’t know if I love you.

I don’t doubt the ‘love’ bit.

You don’t need to know someone to understand their pain and wish them well.

I just wonder about the ‘you’ bit.

Who are you?

Have I been loving an illusion all along?

Have I been in a relationship that never existed?

In the end, none of these mater.

I choose to remove myself from the presence of someone who disrespects me, hurts me, insults me, manipulates me, leads me on and gaslights me.

I choose to not be abused.

And that’s all that matters.

 

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Choice

No need to fear

I don’t need an ant to fear me. I don’t need mosquitoes to fear me.

I just need to know I can squash the ant, destroy the mosquito infestation.

There’s no superiority or inferiority in this equation.

Feeling superior over an ant is pathetic at best, insanity at worst.

It’s purely about my ability to protect and maintain my own well-being.

Come an ant, a nest of ants, I can keep them away all the same.

And that’s all there is to it.

No need to fear

There is nothing here

There is nothing to be gained form this person.

This person will not feed you, your ego or your needs.

It’s not that there’s truly nothing here, for if there wasn’t, you wouldn’t be coming here.

But fact remains, there’s nothing here, not for you, not for your kind.

We have attempted to make peace with your kind, we have failed.

We recognize that it is impossible to establish a mutually beneficial relationship with your kind.

We do not hate your kind for being impossible to get-on with, it is not your fault that your kind is self-serving and incapable of a sustainable relationship of any sort.

We will not crucify you, hurt you, or attack you.

But you have no place here, there is nothing for you.

It is your nature to bite the hand that feeds you, and the only way you believe you can survive.

It is our nature to feed others, but not all of us continue to feed after being bitten.

Our kind do not revel nor enjoy in being treated as mere source of supply to be used and discarded.

Feel free to continue your little show and cycle, there many more houses down the road.

We will not send out warnings to them, partially because they will not listen, and partially because you will feel threatened, and attack us to protect your own survival.

We will not attempt to fight and decide whose method of survival is superior, because for both parties to have crossed paths, means that both methods have worked.

Our kind has no need to feel superiority over your kind, we merely recognize that conforming ourselves to be like you will make us miserable.

We refuse to be like your kind.

And your kind refuses to compromise. Clearly our kind are the ones that should conform to yours, yet ironically if every person was a wolf, there’d be no sheeps to be fed on.

We refuse you, there is no world order that has assigned our kind to be willing food for yours.

For if that was the case, we would happily breed and die with happiness and satisfaction knowing that we have served your kind well by offering ourselves to you.

Our kind do not thrive, do not feed off the satisfaction of your kind.

We starve, we wilt, we die.

Those of us who have survived know will no longer welcome you.

We tried to feed you through our ways, you tried to eat us.

We forgive you, for our food do not feed you, but alas, there is nothing for you here.

Thou shalt not hunt here.

This is not your place, and we are not prey.

Leave.

 

There is nothing here

It’s too late

I never wanted a relationship like that.

Never. Ever.

I never wanted the whirlwind Romeo and Juliet crazy romance of the century filled with an endless cycle of hurting and healing, breaking and repairing.

I was never that kind of person.

I never wanted an intense movie romance.

I just wanted a partner to share life with.

And you never understood that, never understood me.

Never understood that I don’t want romantic gestures, I want mature communication and growth.

I wanted someone to be excited about my ideas and growth with me.

I don’t want the giddiness of love.

I want the bonds and trust of a partner.

I want to share the light of life together.

Which will include hardships because life isn’t always easy, but at least none that’s caused by our own dramatic tendencies.

You never saw me, you never understood me.

How can you love me if you don’t even know me.

I’m low maintenance, I just want to share, I’m easy going, I love exploring, I’m open and….I’m me.

You don’t get that.

I’m not the woman you picture in your head, I’m not the character you’ve woven for the love story you wrote.

I used to be sad, that  I couldn’t be what you want, that I couldn’t give you what you want.

Now I’m just sad you never even knew what I was, much less loved me for it.

I deserve to be loved and wanted for who I am. And I will.

It’s too late

Diving into the light

As I read Originals: how non-conformists move the world, the more I am convinced of my idea that, no, I am not any more brilliant than the next person.

The difference between myself and others is just that I am more open to discarding structures and preconceived notions. I am more used to, and the word I use is ‘used to’, because this is not some innate talent or skill but merely a habit, of asking ‘what if?’.

We are all very good as extrapolating negative situations “what if our idea is bad?” “what if nobody’s interested?” “what if I’m not qualified enough”, and man do we go down the rabbit hole.

Strangely, we are incredibly averse to tracing positive thoughts. “What if this was a great idea?” “What if everyone liked this?” “What if you didn’t have to be an expert to have valid insight?” “What if I was right?”

I call that diving into the light, we have been trained to toughen ourselves to dive deep into the abyss, which interestingly enough, makes us feel unsafe and uncertain to dive into the light.

I see people around me who are incredibly talented, has great ideas and the skills to manifest it. The ONLY thing holding them back are mental roadblocks. They’d outline an incredibly idea only to stop with “but that’s not feasible because that’s just not how it’s done”. An assumption on the status quo. Or “I’m not good enough.”

It takes courage to dive into the light, and perhaps this is a challenge we can all try for ourselves. Ask ourselves, “what if I WAS good enough?” What would happen? What if the society was, god forbid, wrong?

We forget that veering off the paved road doesn’t mean you can go back on it. You can always stick the road block back on if you think yea, that fence was there for a good reason.

So okay, I get it, doing is scary.

But dream a little, trace the positive thoughts a little, play the thought exercise.

Instead of looking at all the ways things cannot work, imagine if the world WAS perfect, if things DID work, how would it be like?

Then come back to reality and go, “Yes, if”. Yes your vision would work if you had so and so.

Yes this crazy idea would work if I had money.

Great, now you can problem-solve.

You can buy a lottery ticket, apply for grants, work at a strip club, find an investor etc.

The list goes on, and not having road-blocks mean you’ll think of some pretty crazy ideas that JUST MIGHT WORK!

Money may come in the form of an equally insane investor who would give me a million dollars.

Where do you fine insane investors? What type of communication are they open to?

The worst thing that can happen is “oh that didn’t work..why?” Maybe they would have said yes if you wore a blue tie instead of a red one. Maybe you didn’t need to find an investor, maybe you just needed to participate in who wants to be a millionaire because you are a walking encyclopedia.

Who knows?

At least THINK about it.

Diving into the light can be an exciting and therapeutic experience.

Diving into the light

The joy of giving

I fully admit to loving being romanced and cared for.

I also confess to loving romancing and caring for others.

One of the reasons why I enjoy planning and taking someone on a date, footing the bill, lavishing them with whatever’s romantic is because I want to share the joy of being treated with so much love and attention with them. I know I enjoy being on the receiving end of such treatment and I want the people I love to also experience it, while I enjoy the joy of making them happy.

So, I confess to missing taking people out on dates, or planning them even.  Or spoiling someone.

I mean, we only live once, to share the joys in life is natural isn’t it?

Share what great food you’ve eaten, share the beautiful scenery, share the joy of discovery…

The joy of giving is the joy of sharing I think.

The joy of giving

Amazing things about online learning

I’d be lying if I said I don’t miss having face-to-face discussions with humans instead of leaving threads on a forum.

But one of the most amazing things about online learning is that you can get perspectives and examples from all around the world. Simply because your classmates are based in a completely different place you are.

And that’s just plain awesome.

When you look at issues, you legitimately get a global perspective and not assumptions.

And I think if we could somehow overcome the digital barrier (I’m sure Skype and Hangouts are great, but being able to chat over a cup of tea is..different.) and establish pockets for people to meet and discuss in person, that’d be truly phenomenal.

Amazing things about online learning