Another morning

No one’s ever going to stock you your favourite candy, make sure tissue is always available, leave you little presents and notes on your desk, sing you silly songs…no one’s going to love and be devoted to you like I will.

Hello depression, you are part of me. And that’s why it’s not okay for someone to say ‘I love you but not your depression.’. You make me who I am. You are a part of me.

To love selflessly, you need to have a diminished sense of self. Monks, they can love so selflessly, without expecting anything in return, not because they have no needs or wants. They’ve let go of all the possible needs and wants, whatever little that remains is satisfied by their religion, their community and each other. They expect very little from everyone and thus have a lot to give. But that is built on them needing and wanting very little. So yes, it is virtuous to be a monk, but do you want to be one? And remember, they retreat into their temples, away from attachment, complications and those whom they serve. It’s one-sided love.

Another morning

Slowly dying

I’ve been having dreams of me dying for a couple nights now.

Always involving the same people too.

I’m dying on the inside I think.

Wilting, shriveling, pick your word.

I’m merely not dead.

Doesn’t mean I’m alive.

I don’t feel alive.

I feel empty.

Life feels like nothing but a lot of demands and a lot of expectations.

My satisfaction and happiness seems inconsequential in it all.

As long as everyone gets what they want.

Being happy is a universal human right, I need to remind myself of that.

I feel truly truly empty.

I feel lonely.

I don’t want to die.

It’s hard to put this into words, really hard.

It’s not that I don’t want to call out for help, I do.

It’s not that I don’t want to call for company.

It’s not that I don’t want to ask for love.

But I don’t want to be judged.

I don’t want to be questioned, or have to defend why I feel the way I feel.

I don’t want to be invalidated.

I already know everything is fine and nothing is wrong.

I already know that everyone else has greater problems, more important things to do.

I know that my problems are inconsequential.

I know that this is my problem, my fault and not that of anyone else’s.

It’s not anyone’s responsibility to fix this and I don’t expect anyone to come save me.

It’s nobody’s fault that I don’t have friends, nobody’s fault that I’m a disappointment to myself, nobody’s fault that I don’t have a life.

It’s not anyone’s fault but my own that I am not being me.

I’m just trying my best to hold onto the people I have in my life. To not worry them and push them away.

I wonder what’s sadder, to be lonely despite doing your best to hold on, or to be lonely because you can’t be bothered to try anymore?

I know all I need is a listening ear, some companionship; to be understood and listened to.

To have adventure because I have nothing to share if I don’t adventure, and the lack of sharing kills me inside.

A project to dream on and turn into reality, to design and solve problems…to get excited and come alive over creating a new world and something for others to discover and explore. The lack of overcoming and problem solving kills me.

I relish and live off bringing magic into the world.

I live and breathe awe and wonder, and when life is stale, I shrivel, I crumble, I die a little more inside.

But I’m also tired of seeing the most beautiful sunset and not having anyone to share it with, someone who actually gets the beauty of it.

I’m so tired of seeing the world alone.

I’m doing my best to appreciate the people I do have, I’m sorry I don’t feel heard or understood. I want to, I Just don’t and I can’t lie to myself.

It’s so incredibly frustrating.

It’s not that I don’t have people to call on, I do.

But almost everyone wants something in return, something I can’t give. Everyone has a fucking ulterior motive.

I am tired.

I don’t want to use people’s desire for me to exchange for company, they want love and attention I can’t give.

Right now I just want someone who wants to spend time with me, just because. Share a moment together and enjoy it, nothing more beyond there. Someone who is just there to listen and understand and accept. And vice versa.

Not someone who wants me there to make their dreams a reality.

I know it’s nobody’s fault, just that I have nothing to give and every demand feels excruciating when you have nothing to give.

How do you explain to people, absolutely nothing is wrong, you’re just dying inside?

I’m just clawing my insides to get out of this cage. To do something crazy because if I don’t I feel like I won’t be able to breathe.

I need magic, awe and wonder, I need them like fish needs water and humans need air.

I want to live.

I’m self-destructing and I don’t know how to ask for help.

If I don’t do something crazy now, because I fear I will burden others..what’s the cost of inaction.

You know this Ri.

There is a death out there with your name written on it this evening.

Lets not have it happen.

I feel lonely because no one understands why I’m dying on the inside.

I don’t live in the same world as everyone.

Everything in life can be going great by everyone’s definition but I can be dying.

What works for everyone else doesn’t necessarily work for me.

And I’m going to listen to myself and the emptiness in me, telling me that something’s wrong.

FIX IT.

I need to wash away everything, bindings the cages the chains the everything.

I’m just avoiding everyone who is making me feel more lonely and not less.

Who makes me feel judged and not understood.

I’m just doing my best to stay alive.

Slowly dying

My fears

I thought I’d write down my fears before they consume me.

Because I don’t want to pretend that I am not afraid.

I fear that I am not good enough.

I’m really scared that I’m not good enough. That I’m not everything everyone else thinks I am. That I am not as strong or as capable as I think I am and others think I am.

I fear that I am not enough.

Not enough. not good enough of a lover, of a partner.

I fear that I am too selfish, too self-centred, too self-absorbed.

I fear that I am too small, too little, too insignificant to make a difference.

I fear that I am not bright enough, that I won’t be able to shine light on anyone, or bring joy or wonder to this world.

I fear that I am not truly a playful and joyous creature.

I fear that I have lost touch with magic, with light, with awe, with wonder, with playfulness.

I fear that I’ve clipped my own wings again.

I fear that I’ve lost the ability to be grateful, to see the good instead of the bad.

I fear, I fear, I fear so much.

I wonder if I say it enough, it will leave my system, or only run deeper?

Part of me knows that I will orbit back to my recharged state, part of me knows, and cannot forget, my true strength, my light. I just need a spark to ignite.

I fear my light has dimmed and it will never come back on. I fear I bring down the people close to me. I fear I have nothing more to give.

A little voice asks me, is it not simply enough that I exist?

“I will love you just for existing.”

I see a stranger in the mirror: This is not me.

I am deeply afraid that she is me.

Can’t she be a part of me?

I can be uncertain and unsure, tired and in need of love, wanting nothing but acceptance.

She is the empathy behind the light, the joy. She is the depth behind the wisdom.

She is you, the source of your strength. The old soul behind bright eyes.

The agelessness in your childlike soul.

You are complex, you are many things.

Not everyone can embrace you in your fullness and entirety, some arms are not long enough, some shoulders not wide enough, some hands not strong enough.

They love you.

I fear that I spend too much time fearing and too little time feeling, feeling loved and embraced and wanted.

I have spoken my fears, acknowledged and validated them.

They are a part of me, and I will not let them stop me from forging onward.

My fears

To poly or not to poly

Love IS a big part of me, as much as my playfulness, awe and wonder. I don’t know if it’s because I have so much love for the world and life that I see awe and wonder everywhere, or that I see so much awe and wonder that I have so much love.

Love is a big part of me.

But I digress.

“There is no ‘best’.”

The singular best is the enemy of all the other possible betters.

There are no soulmates in this world, we can be happy with any number or type of person. There are many people who we CAN’T be happy with, but there is no SINGULAR best person for us out there in this world.

So what of fate then?

I think fate brings you to people whom you COULD be happy with, fate is two people meeting, in this huge world, to meet people and connect with them, in itself is a miracle. Us meeting IS the miracle, IS fate. How we handle this gift fate gave us is on ourselves, do we make it work for us or not?

When we tell ourselves there’s ‘the best’, we are telling ourselves everything else is bad and they don’t work. What if we told ourselves that in every possible way, we could be happy. There’s no singular ‘right’ way?

There’s no singular ‘ideal’ relationship?

What if our ideal relationship was just one we were happy and fulfilled in? And such a relationship could manifest itself in infinite number of ways?

Polyamory was one way I could be happy, but I can also be happy monogamous. I can also be happy single. There’s a version of happy me in all scenarios. And I don’t have to be too hung up about picking a path, sticking a label on myself.

I am ‘open’, I’m not poly, not mono, not anything, I’m open, I am free.

I don’t have to shoehorn myself into having specific expectations to make myself happy, I will be happy as long as I’m true to myself and following my heart.

 

To poly or not to poly

Lovely recharging morning

I see where I get my playfulness from.

Only my mom would think of ideas such as, ‘take a photo of just your chin and send it in, the pointiest one gets a prize’.

It’s like, the Corn DNA.

But I digress, it’s nice to recharge by listening to someone else’s silly and playful ideas. To absorb energy from someone else’s craziness. Reminds me of why corns recharge each other (if we don’t burn each other out from generating too much nfnf-ness).

So onto other matters, I think we are handling the stress with a lot of aplomb, and as positively as we could, look at our actions. Even the most playful person gets tired, and just rest. Resilience is how you recharge, not how you endure. I think we did good.

Ebb and flow, we are still the fullest expression of ourselves, but that fullest expression of us has energy levels too and needs sleep and is human and can feel sad too. We aren’t monodynamic.

I think most importantly is to recognized that, hey you have depression and anxiety, and once you take out all the problems in your life that makes it JUSTIFIED to be anxious and depressed, and they persist…that’s why it’s an ailment. Being depressed and anxious when things are wrong is NORMAL, being depressed and anxious when NOTHING is wrong is having depression and anxiety ailments.

But you’re working towards really fixing it by fixing your diet and just accepting it and re-training your brain to be far more positive.

Look at the way you are loved! Back hugs in the morning and smiles.

You aren’t alone, you are supported, it’s these small ways and things that count, you aren’t as alone as your depression, anxiety and loneliness wants you to think you are. And so if and when you do feel down, know that your alarm system IS a tad bit faulty, trust yourself, and trust that you are correcting and combating these things.

I understand the struggles, you feel like you’re not being yourself. I feel like I’m not being myself in my anxious lonely state…and I’m not. That’s not me, that’s unhealthy gut flora making me act only on fear.

Who I am is a playful positive child, a person full of wonder and energy, who likes to nap and enjoy the beauty and fullness of life.

I am the child of the wind.

Lovely recharging morning