Authenticity, passion and abundance.

Gratitude journal today is:
I’m grateful that I found an art gallery to work for that comes from the heart and soul. And not just about commercial works.
And that they have such great bosses and staff members. I’m really lucky and blessed.

I’m really lucky to be working for all the poeple I work for. It all has passion and love in it. And I have time and space to still pursuit my own. Their passion reminds me of mine and it’s a really beautiful thing. Thank you world!!!
I think maybe meaning is not really the word. Not meaningful Expeirences. I’m really looking for is authentic Expeirences. Something that is genuine and sincere and comes from the heart. What people take from that..is their business. I think that’s the base. Of course..inspiring awe and wonder.
There’s depth and meaning but it’s wrapped in magic and wonder
That’s the kind of Expeirences I want to create
Thank you life for always directing me to the right people to ask myself the right questions

I want to create and design experiences that will help people discover and confront their own authenticity. Where you can’t hide behind jargon or trends..

Like for tedxps, I curated genuine stories and ideas. This year too, I want people to learn things that are sincere, how to face your emotions, how to appreciate art, genuinely connecting in a community. It’s all about helping people embrace authenticity, finding their own truth. Not about oh tech ventures so let’s have ideas on tech ventures

Authenticity and sincerity are my compass. HAHA moon bottle eternal search for the absolute truth. Hahaha. My desire to discover and stay true to my own truth

Authenticity, passion and abundance.

Reflection 

I guess I’m a tantric person by nature.  I crave authenticity and I do wear an armor but ultimately I want to walk around with an open heart. That’s my goal.

That’s why I’m choosing to be poly and doing all this work. 

More on that later. 

I have a lot of tears  bottled up. I..cry more than regular people. I need to accept that accepted just cry. That’s part of my self love. The discomfort of self love. 

But I’m proud of myself.  My heart is always my compass. I’m..really always in it and working with it and accepting the ugly with the beautiful. 

I would like to be more connected with the…headspace and my body. But not rushing for it. It’ll come. I’m not aiming to be a guru. I’m aiming to be me. It’s amazing my inner soul is actually actually hawk though and the wolf. But..ha. why am I surprised. 

My heart…I’m scarred and broken and hurt but I’m strong.  I’ll always love. And yea…not much on that anymore.  

Back to why I’m poly. I wanted to grow and become stronger in the heart and love better, truly unconditionally so I chose polyamory  for the stress and discomfort and living up to my own truth. 

What I want though, that deep want, and in reality I either leave people or just never give up and work towards it, IS the perfect relationship.  I may never  get there, but the perfect relationship to me is one where I have a partner I trust so much that we will never settle and never  working towards it. To grow and become stronger in the heart together and love more together. That’s what i crave and vend I’ve been settling.  Trying to give peace when…i dont want peace.  Not in this. I want the constant..flow state haha  

And yea..so into primary or MOR. I don’t want to say that so yes pebbi is my primary and so he is the one I have the trust to really do deep relationship work. 

The depth of our connection, of our relationship IS our MOR, that’s why our MOR is that of partners in life.  I am the person he trusts enough to do work that deep and vice versa. 

And well I honestly don’t think that’s his MOR with others, this kind of..tantric deep work relationship in life. Doesn’t mean he loves them so but that’s not the MOR. 

If he or myself one day has this with another person..that’ll be okay too. It’ll take a lot of reassurance to know that our relationship won’t fade. And that this new deep connection only deepens our own.  That he is now exploring having two deep connections and as his partner…this is part of my journey too. And it will deepen our connection. How we can maintain depth and accept someone else etc. 

So yea…I think I’ve.. found my way and my truth and it’s great. I feel like I can fly. 
And all this is self love. Not settling and accepting my truth.. is self love. 

I love you, me. 

Reflection 

Still believe

Despite everything, I still want to love without asking for anything in return. I want to love without expectations and appreciate whatever love I can get because I want to believe that there is enough love in this world, so much that I will never have to fear not having enough love.

I want to love freely.

I want to feel so loved, to feel all the world in the world that I can give all the love in the world to as many people because I know that I will always be caught, there will always be love for me because love is abundant in this word.

I want to love without fear.

That those who love me will love me just as unconditionally that I never have to even THINK about asking or needing more love There is always going to be more than enough. To feel full of love every single day, not just the people around me but the world around me.

That’s why I still want to believe that love is abundant.

 

Still believe

Every relationship is a fusion

Self-reminders are wonderful things, sometimes you can lose yourself and forget yourself. Reconnecting with yourself and your values therefore becomes incredibly important.

But enough about that.

Today I wanted to talk about a new connection I made about SU (gotta love that show to death) and polyamory.

I’ve talked about my idea of an MOR (mutually optimal relationship), which is basically how each relationship between two people will find a way to take its most mutually optimal form. And each MOR is unique and no MOR is is competition with another.

So back to SU, in SU…fusion is really a physical manifestation of a relationship. And I don’t just mean a romantic one. The beautiful thing is, each fusion is unique. Sardonix is Sardonix, Smokey Quartz is Smokey Quartz and they’re all wonderful. And there’s never such a thing as you are only allowed to fuse with one person.

Which really is like polyamorous relationship. Everyone is happy when a new fusion is formed, because fusions are beautiful and unique. The birth of Smokey Quartz doesn’t make Stevonnie any less special.

In fact we as fans are always looking forward to seeing new fusions, because new fusions almost always means new growth, new exploration and strengthened relationships. And I think for people who are poly, that’s why we choose to be poly.

We all want to find new fusion forms that we can have and we are excited if our partners unlock new fusion forms, or maybe we can even ALL become ONE awesome fusion form like alexandrite.

Your ability to fuse with one person doesn’t take away your ability to fuse with another. Like..Just because Garnet can form Sardonix doesn’t mean she can’t form Sugilite anymore. That other fusion will ALWAYS exist, unless the two people decide to fall out of sync and refuse to fuse. AKA unwillingness to be in a relationship/be understanding of each other anymore.

Fusion can only be performed when two parties ACCEPT each other, it’s not becoming the same, but embracing differences and similarities. It’s love.

I guess relationships are a spectrum too, even friendships have types, and romantic relationships have types, and we have those that are inbetween each type…

Just like in SU, where fusions is not the be all end all of the show, and what really truly matters is..life, in all its aspects, relationships isn’t the be all end all, sole direction for growth and exploration. We don’t..go around specifically just trying to see how many fusions we can make, we live life and people come along and some people are fusion-able and that’s great.

I subscribe to polyamory because it is the mindset of abundance, that you CAN have more and it’s okay and GOOD to have MORE. Because there’s abundance. You aren’t limited to a certain number of friendships or relationships, you can have as many as you want and need. And..it’s nice to fill your life up with meaningful things and experiences.

What we DO need to be careful of is to not become like Malachite, a fusion for the sake of fusion. Actually, to not become like Jasper. And just wanting to fuse with any random thing..for the sake of achieving something.

There’s no competition about how many forms you can unlock or if you have any at all. What’s important is treasuring and understanding the meaning behind each fusion you have in your life and being content with your life..doing your best to live it well.

The world is a big place and life is as big as it is small.

So..yea!

Every relationship is a fusion

Reviewing my 2016

Looking back at my 2016, I think I did a lot and grew a lot.

I cannot in good conscience say that I am wasting my life away, regardless of what anyone says.

It’s been an eventful year, and the year certainly wound down in the second half, and I think that was a good thing. To give myself a time to recharge and rest. That was my original plan in life, not non-stop working but bursts of work and bursts of rest, and continuous learning and self-growth/care.

Germination and incubation is important.

We all need time to recharge and reflect and digest.

So today I thought I’d rather look back at what I’ve gained from my down time rather than revisit the obvious achievements.

I’ve honestly really really gained a LOT in my down time this year mentally.

I’ve learnt that we are a spectrum, everything is a spectrum. Our traits can manifest in good ways or bad ways and it’s up to us to manage that. We are fluid. And that has helped me really take a huge step forward in terms of self-love. To see the two sides of the coins even of my flaws was great for appreciating every single aspect of me.

Another thing I learnt is that how others treat you is not about you, but more about them. It’s easy to assign blame to ourselves, and it’s important to be able to take blame. But how another interacts with you is more based on who THEY are rather than how you are. Friend is late all that time? It’s more likely that they are innately a person who has a shit sense of time rather than because you aren’t important enough.

I’ve also learnt about reciprocal possession, and how that is how relationships of any kind should be. Don’t treat others how you want to be treated. We all want to be treated differently, treat someone how THEY want to be treated. If we love and care for someone, we will naturally want to fulfill their needs and wants and they will do the same for us, there is reciprocity, and that’s beautiful.

On that note, no one exists purely to satisfy one person’s needs. We satisfy needs and wants out of love, but we our value and worth is not dictated by how well we satisfy needs and wants of people or things. Perhaps at work, where we are objectified as tools to fulfill a purpose. But in human interactions? That’s not how it is.

Life is an experience, we are an experience. It is all am amalgamation of interactions between different agents and factors..and it never stays the same. It will continue to evolve till the end of time, and we are here to…be part of the experience. And that’s a beautiful thing, if we can open ourselves up to really appreciate each leg of the journey, and not focus on the parts we want to see.

Finally, the biggest perspective shift is really the idea of abundance mindset and a closed system. Scarcity brings about the idea of fear, which incites all that is ugly in us. The answer to fear, is love. Abundance brings about love. We know we will all have enough, there is enough to go around, that security reminds us to think of others, to share, to give…and so everyone has enough. It’s a beautiful thing. A world overflowing.

Identity wise, I’m to have identified my personal needs and wants, relationship needs and wants and..I guess my compass. Meaning. I want to live a meaningful life. What that means to ME is not to build and empire or become a saint and save millions of children. I just want to make sure that every action I do, living my normal every day  life (well maybe not so normal..), it is all filled with meaning. And meaning is such a core part of the me that my centre is to bring meaningful experiences to people. Finding meaning creates so much…strong constructive emotions. I used to think that happiness is my core, but that has evolved. Happiness is beautiful and wonderful, but what we need may not be happiness all the time, happiness can be stressful too. But meaning, that’s so much richer, and meaning will be what you want and need in that frame of time.

I’ve also identified that I have  designer’s brain, a writer’s heart and an explorer’s soul. I still don’t know how these labels will come together. I know I am me, but I’m not really too sure what I want ‘me’ to be. I’m a work in progress I guess. I played around with the idea of being an experience designer, but that doesn’t really represent my writer’s heart and explorer’s soul.

With that in mind, my goals for next year, what I want to strive towards is:

  • Being more loving, with self-love and towards others..to truly adopt the abundance mindset. Put self first and take care of own needs before others is the healthy way to go and to care for people.
  • Practice empowered receiving AND asking
  • Make every aspect of my life more meaningful and contribute more to the good of the world, even if it’s only in little ways
  • To distill, what kind of ‘me’ I want to be at this time of my life
  • To create the first prototype of what a meaningful experience can be.
  • To connect myself to the greater world by being more mindful, and not get sucked into tunnel vision. To be balanced.
  • be part of the greater world, see and touch more lives. And see and touch more things so you can empathize better and give more meaningful Expeirence and bring more people togeth

And that’s me for 2017. I’m not writing about the projects because they’re manifestations of my beliefs and values. Just like how achievement comes AFTER happiness, actions come from thoughts. So to me, it is all these perspective changes that I need to really adopt and they will naturally translate into projects and actions that I can be proud of.

But yea, I’ve really grown a LOT last year. I’ve..grown into myself. And now it’s time to grow into the world, to lean in and stretch my wings.

 

 

PS: FOLLOW UP

So…I figured I should probably brainstorm some proper steps for my one MHD a week thing for next year. So what are some stuff that you wanna do next year. Stuff for yourself? Dance.  And martial arts. Explore!!!! Try a new way of living? Go Expeirence more meaningful Expeirence  explore what that topic means. But okay actual things things I wanna do. Hm… a fun bucket list? Exhibitions, parks, places. Okay okay lets try a list:

  • River Safari
  • Coney Island
  • Sister Island
  • Henderson Wave
  • Audiophile Cafe
  • VR Arcade
  • Wall Climbing thing
  • Kidzania
  • Movie on the beach?
  • Dance and martial arts and Contact Improv
  • Harry Potter Poster exhibition
Reviewing my 2016

Badge? Why?

I want to be a more worldly person, I want to see the world, of course.

But apparently it can’t be on my terms.

There’s this third world country back-packing club I have to join to have seen the world and be considered worldly.

I understand some people want to go out of their comfort zones and safety zones and see how other people live and experience their culture.

But I don’t want to travel for travel sake, I’m not a nomad. When I go to places I have things I want to see.

So as much as I want to see the world and experience more, I need a little more justification beyond that. I don’t want to JUST go to India to see, if I can’t find what it is that I need to see in India. If i don’t have the curiosity I don’t think it’ll be as worthy a trip.

And maybe this is wrong, but no one should dictate what I take away from my experiences neither.

If I go to India, maybe I want to go for it for a Yoga immersion course. If I go to South Africa it’s because I want to see nature and wild life there. If I had all the money in the world I’d just randomly go to places, but I don’t. So I want to see places in the world I want to see first, places that’s on my list, things I think I need to see first.

And if that’s not what the third-world country backpacking club thinks counts, then…well I’m not a member. And not getting their badge makes me not worthy or not worldly enough…so be it.

Reasons will bring me to places. And I’ll find what I need to find. Inspiration that I need. Story that I need. I have my own pace and my own plan. The world can go fuck it self.

Maybe I should just move out into the mountains and live there. -_- Be on nature’s clock instead.

Badge? Why?