To not date

My decision to  date.  

I guess we should start by definition of dating. 

Dating is meeting someone with romantic interest/expectation.  

I mean ultimately that’s what separates a date and meeting friends right? 

I don’t plan on meeting anyone with romantic or sexual interest or intentions.  the end. 

I plan on meeting people of course. but…

It’s stressful for me. dating. it’s really hard for me  to be attracted to people.  but it’s easy for them to mistake my infj catering of them as interest.. I don’t like just ignoring people.  

I also just enjoy relationships, casual relationship or serious, that grows from friendship.  

Ultimately. ..I don’t feel like I need to date to prove that I’m poly. 

My goal in life to…love myself enough that I can appreciate any kind of love given to me. 

So I’m not looking for people to fulfill my needs. I’m not like..hunting for more people to fulfill gaps in my needs and wants.  in my value system…you should fulfill those yourself and not  rely on others. 

It’s not easy but that’s what im working towards and so to that end I’m more fulfilled spending time on myself than someone else. 

Also..dating is…expanding hp to care for people who aren’t in my precious people circle. I care and love easily…involuntarily (by love I mean give, not to feel or recieve. It’s notoriously hard from me to feel loved, or heck, even attracted to someone.). 

So I don’t want to..involuntarily spend limited and precious energy on stuff that yields negative rewards.  especially not when I need those energies directed at myself. 

I had a fulfilling day today..and it was all about me…marred by listening to my new found friend …bitch about his life..

Which like..as a nice person, I listen.  but I wanna share too..and like really the only few people I feel satisfied room listen to them bitch are people close to me. 

..so the frustrated rant happens now. 

It’s easy for me to make people comfortable, feel trust…feel like I get along with them, when deep down all they make me feel is cold and empty and bored.  and our of courtesy of being a nice and respectful person..I appreciate them and don’t…rudely shut these people off. 

I just only click with a very particular subset of people and from that subset, only feel attraction and love from an even smaller subset. 

I think a lot about relationships and the nature of them because emotions and relationships fascinate me. but my interest in participating is much lower. 
Contemplating it is a form of emotional and spiritual growth for me.  along with figuring out my values and emotions and needs. 

…i dont seek to be IN them purely to learn from experience when I feel nothing. 

I give a LOT in both friendship and relationships.  it’s involuntary. so it’s fucking daunting to face countless of prospective takers. 

I just want it to be understood that my lack of desire to have dates and play partners don’t reflect my nature or ability to love multiple people and my values that you can enjoy sex for sex. 

I’m just…picky + can’t be fucked to try and hunt people because I have no need for others. 

If such a person appears, if attraction grows from somewhere then..yay. 

And it’s not cause I’m reliant  on my current and only relationship. i just find it wrong to intentionally rely on relationships. 

So yea. i choose to not date. 

I’m happy with my low encounter rates. 

To not date

To not date

My decision to  date.  

I guess we should start by definition of dating. 

Dating is meeting someone with romantic interest/expectation.  

I mean ultimately that’s what separates a date and meeting friends right? 

I don’t plan on meeting anyone with romantic or sexual interest or intentions.  the end. 

I plan on meeting people of course. but…

It’s stressful for me. dating. it’s really hard for me  to be attracted to people.  but it’s easy for them to mistake my infj catering of them as interest.. I don’t like just ignoring people.  

I also just enjoy relationships, casual relationship or serious, that grows from friendship.  

Ultimately. ..I don’t feel like I need to date to prove that I’m poly. 

My goal in life to…love myself enough that I can appreciate any kind of love given to me. 

So I’m not looking for people to fulfill my needs. I’m not like..hunting for more people to fulfill gaps in my needs and wants.  in my value system…you should fulfill those yourself and not  rely on others. 

It’s not easy but that’s what im working towards and so to that end I’m more fulfilled spending time on myself than someone else. 

Also..dating is…expanding hp to care for people who aren’t in my precious people circle. I care and love easily…involuntarily (by love I mean give, not to feel or recieve. It’s notoriously hard from me to feel loved, or heck, even attracted to someone.). 

So I don’t want to..involuntarily spend limited and precious energy on stuff that yields negative rewards.  especially not when I need those energies directed at myself. 

I had a fulfilling day today..and it was all about me…marred by listening to my new found friend …bitch about his life..

Which like..as a nice person, I listen.  but I wanna share too..and like really the only few people I feel satisfied room listen to them bitch are people close to me. 

..so the frustrated rant happens now. 

It’s easy for me to make people comfortable, feel trust…feel like I get along with them, when deep down all they make me feel is cold and empty and bored.  and our of courtesy of being a nice and respectful person..I appreciate them and don’t…rudely shut these people off. 

I just only click with a very particular subset of people and from that subset, only feel attraction and love from an even smaller subset. 

I think a lot about relationships and the nature of them because emotions and relationships fascinate me. but my interest in participating is much lower. 
Contemplating it is a form of emotional and spiritual growth for me.  along with figuring out my values and emotions and needs. 

…i dont seek to be IN them purely to learn from experience when I feel nothing. 

I give a LOT in both friendship and relationships.  it’s involuntary. so it’s fucking daunting to face countless of prospective takers. 

I just want it to be understood that my lack of desire to have dates and play partners don’t reflect my nature or ability to love multiple people and my values that you can enjoy sex for sex. 

I’m just…picky + can’t be fucked to try and hunt people because I have no need for others. 

If such a person appears, if attraction grows from somewhere then..yay. 

And it’s not cause I’m reliant  on my current and only relationship. i just find it wrong to intentionally rely on relationships. 

So yea. i choose to not date. 

I’m happy with my low encounter rates. 

To not date

Quick! take polyamory away from me!

So..as you may know, I’m one of those poly folks who can’t be fucked to date cause..human points. 

I mean if they come pre-loaded with the get to know you and fall in like/love phase over and done with, I’m happy to be with them. 

I have the energy to love people but the dating/searching phase …not so much.

Anyways. so today, ONE thing motivated me to find other partners.  like it made me seriously think you actually try and find other partners.  

To make a team big enough to play laser tag. 

I know. take polyamory away from me now Hahaha.  

Worst reason, ever. 

Well..motivation  is motivation? 

Then of course my  common sense sense kicked in and went like “or you could find more friends..” 

But I won’t be with someone whom I won’t be friends with…that’s like..basic level..so either way…same effort. 

*shrugs* might be faster if I just learnt Kage bunshin no jutsu

Quick! take polyamory away from me!

Can you LDR?

A lot of us give ourselves labels, ‘I can’t do LDR’ ‘I can do LDR’ etc.

I do believe this is true. All of us have varying aptitudes for LDR.

However, we often forget that relationships are a 2-way street and because of that it’s not just about YOUR aptitude.

I’ve always mused and wondered, why with some of my friends, a long distance friendship works out and changes nothing and with others we just..drift apart and away.

I’m come to realize that it all depends on what connects you, and by that I don’t mean hobbies or interests.

It’s more akin to…love languages.

Me and Annie can have a friendship at…just about any distance.

Reason for this is because our friendship is a very internal one, by that I mean, our sense of connectedness and being friends come from talking and understanding each other and sharing experiences. It comes from words.

Yes we do enjoy doing things together and hanging out, but if you had to quantify what fortifies our friendship, it’s the sharing of personal experiences and opinions and ideas.

Now such conceptual and internal sharings do not have to take place in a physical realm, it’s footloose. Hence our connectedness, and thus friendship, is not affected by distance. So though, yes, we’d like to meet up and do stuff sometimes and we do miss seeing each other, distance doesn’t affect the foundations of our friendship.

And then I have other friends whom I drift apart once there is physical distance between us. And I’ve now realized that it’s really because our sense of connectedness comes externally. From doing things together, accomplishing things together, having new experiences together.

Like my primary school friend, Sam, our bond revolved around drawing and doing arts and craft work together. So when I went to a different school, we couldn’t bond over the things we bonded over. The talking, we did do, but the talking was built upon the bonding activity. Unlike with Annie where the enjoyment of the bonding activity is built on the talking and understanding.

I don’t think one type of bonding is superior to another.

It is what it is.

I think with regards to matter of aptitude, we all have a preferred way of establishing bonds with people.

Not saying we are only capable of bonding in one manner, but I do think one aptitude will be higher than another. For me words rank higher than action.

But not everyone likes talking, so for them activity bonding is easier. Picking up on body language, unspoken cues etc.

Which brings me to, can you LDR.

I don’t think romantic relationships are that different from  friendships.

So people who manage LDR either:

  • Naturally have their relationship bonds built on internal experiences and words
  • Have shifted their relationship to have bonds and connectedness come from words and sharing of internal experience

I do believe that shifting is possible, but it takes some conscious effort. Especially for the party that isn’t used to one or the other.

For example, someone who enjoys hermiting at home and talking will not be comfortable constantly bonding via external activities. It will require extra energy from them to overcome the inertia for it and the likely have less stamina for it.

But all things in life can be trained. We can become ambidextrous.

I don’t think it’s necessary to make your relationship LDR capable, having relationships built on sharing of physical experiences is perfectly legit and I’m sure to some, more meaningful than exchange of words.

Also..just randomly thought about dogs. The bond between pet dogs and their owners, really come from the training they have . There’s more..craving for the bond because it’s one that can’t be satisfied from a distance. You can’t..skype walk your dog. But you can’t say that the bond is not strong, some dogs will die for their masters and some owners will probably donate bone marrow to their dogs if they had to.

Bonds are also multi-faceted and probably there will be other factors creating sense of bond and love.

But yea, here’s a tiny piece of epiphany I had today.

Can you LDR?

Abundance mindset, closed systems and Polyamory

I’ll revisit this post another, just want to plonk this down first. My brain is far too fried to do this train of thought justice.

And yes, this will be interesting literature topic for me to explore too since I’ve decided I’ll write my stories to explore topics I care about like polyamory, LGBT and so on and so forth.

So I was wondering what happens when you apply the abundance and collaboration mindset to relationships..to love? do you get polyamory? the receiver receives in an empowered way, everyone’s a contributor, give what you can and want to give.. hm…

Abundance mindset, closed systems and Polyamory

Don’t be an A

​Saying “I’ll never say <insert thing> again” doesn’t and will never solve the problem. You need to apologize, resolve and address what was said and the pain caused by it.  Doing that is like running someone over with a car, swearing to never do it again but not apologizing nor paying for damages.

Don’t expect people to “know better”. If you said something out of anger to hurt someone, even if they know that it wasn’t true and you didn’t mean it, still apologize and clarify it. No one truly knows until the matter has been openly explained.  Just because someone “knows well enough” doesn’t mean they don’t deserve and apology.

Don’t be an A

Two things

First!

I realized my introversion today. I mean I’ve ALWAYS known I’m an introvert. But man I realized for fact that I’m an introvert today when I was thinking about what to do for my MHD/self-date days next week. I was like, huh well I guess I COULD ask to hang out with friends and people or go on dates. Just thinking about doing it brought dread to the pit of my stomach. Then my brain happily supplied: lets STAY HOME AND BINGE ANIME AND SHERLOCK. And I came back to life.

Ladies and gentleman. I present to you, an introvert.

No, I DO like good human interaction. But No matter how great the human interaction is, it’ll drain my HP. I will earn enjoyment points but the HP bar WILL BE DRAINED regardless.

Then there’s caving and hermiting. Where my HP bar will recharge and…I’ll still have high enjoyment.

I think you know you’re an introvert when hanging out with yourself is emotionally more profitable than hanging out with other people.

That’s that.

SECOND!

So I was thinking the other day but totally forgot to blog about this.

Media is how we normalize a lot of issues.

We are slowly starting to have LGBT songs and TV shows and movies, showing LGBT in better light or different lights. Hence the broadening of our understanding and normalizing of them.

And a bad example is 50 shades of grey, it normalized BDSM. Gave people shit ton of misconceptions but…you know, it’s normalized and popularized. We have songs about BDSM too.

WHERE ARE ALL THE MEDIA CONTENT FOR POLY RELATIONSHIPS!?

Really, fanfics aside, I have NOT seen any movies, shows, songs etc. addressing polyamory and that’s just plain sad.

You know normalizing polyamory won’t turn the whole world into a non-monogamous society right? It’s like..allowing women to wear pants didn’t stamp out the existence of skirts. It either works for you or it doesn’t. It’s a choice… Like the only ‘poly’ themed movies are like what open relationships and all the other shit ass drama that shows and propogates unhealthy relationship values like jealousy and possessiveness and being passive aggressive. *sigh*

It’s just weird to me, we have songs about even the most mundane stuff like coffee and lemon trees.

Then again we do lack songs about terrorism. And environment.

We have films about them though.

*shrugs* Hey producers, writers, artists *waves big flag in front of non-monogamy*. Here’s a topic bunny for you guys to breed and play with.

Two things