Child of the wind

I’ve found my spirit rock, it’s this awesome metallic looking fossilized wood.

It echoes with me, something that’s wood, representing warmth and life that after time and trials have hardened into metallic’s got sharp but also smooth edges, it’s grounding and cleansing..but not very gentle.. haha. Imperfect in many ways, but whole and beautiful and has the outward appearance of brute strength but is actually supple.

But I’m straying.

My soul is that of the wind.

Sometimes I rip through things like the hurricane, tearing down things in my path, wild, unbridled, sweeping through like a whirlwind. All sharp edges that rip and tear. An unstoppable force of nature. Sometimes I’m the cool summer breeze, caressing, caring, soothing.

The wind can’t be seen, but it can be felt. It can’t be stopped but it can be diverted. And it’s perfect because I’m not like the earth, holding my ground until something takes me down, I have enough flex in me to change course, it may seem like I’m running away, but I too chip away little pieces of the problems as I go, attritioning.

It’s a similarity between wind and water.

But unlike the water, I don’t flow as much, I could, but there’s a natural unpredictability in the wind. It’s more impulsive. Water does have its impulsive moments too, breaking its smooth flow. But it’s tends to be…an overwhelming show of force, only in the form of Tsunamis or crashing waves.

A wind’s abrupt change in flow, or stop flowing altogether is…normal. A sudden playful gale, sudden changes in wind direction, taking where the heat takes it…caressing trees…

It’s all…very like me.

I wonder if I crafted my soul to be like the wind, or is my soul the wind merely in the form of a human soul?

We will never know.

But that’s who I am.

Child of the wind


My biggest take-away/learning from life this week?


It was in the companion manifesto, it’s in my current reading, it was on TED talk, it’s in my relationship and it makes a shit ton of sense.

Reciprocal anything is the key to a good..anything. Especially relationships..or things involving two matters.

Reciprocating is..being balanced.

Haraway talked about reciprocal possession

And i’d like to take that a step further.

Reciprocal relationships.

It resolves the problems of having expectations.

See, in the talk about being good at conversations, now if everyone in that room followed those rules, then everyone would get a turn to talk and get a turn to listen.

If we all went out into the world looking to be amazed or learn from someone…we’d all see each other as amazing and learn from everyone around us.

Okay that doesn’t paint a clear enough picture.

Imagine if everyone on earth left their house with the express intention to do something nice for someone else.

That means that everyone will go home having something nice said or done to them.

And we are by nature, reciprocal, I kid you not. If someone smiles at you, you will naturally smile back at them. Blame mirror neurons or society upbringing. Whatever.

Hell even if you don’t smile back, YOU WILL REACT. You can react by ignoring, by frowning, by saying hi etc.

The intra-actions of things is inevitable, I dare say it might be an absolute truth. Like it or not, something else will act on you and you’ll act on something else.

So reciprocate in the right way.

When they say treat others the way you want to be treated, it’s not completely wrong. Granted everyone wants to be treated in different ways, but I think the whole idea behind this concept is that, we want to be treated the way we WANT to be treated. So if you want people to treat you the way you want to be treated, treat them they way THEY WANT to be treated.

Accept the person for who they are, give them what they want and they give you what you want.

It’s a mutual comfort, if we know that we will be listened to, we won’t worry or feel like we won’t be listened to. It wouldn’t even be in your head that you might not get something back or get support back etc. That trust that reciprocal relationships denote.

It’s a beautiful beautiful thing.

My best friendships are amazing because..I never have to think if my friends will love me back the same way or amount I do or will. I know they will, because it’s reciprocal. So I just have to focus on being the best friend I can be instead of worrying whether or not my friends will be good friends to me.


Of course, trusting that you’ll be taken care of and therefore don’t have to worry about yourself is hard. Because, the nature of reciprocal relationships is can completely cast yourself aside because you know that your partner will catch you and you will catch them.

However, I think not EVERY type of intra-actions requires that level of trust. I mean, when someone says hi to you and you say hi back…you don’t need to trust that person with your life…

I guess what I’m trying to say is, approach things in life with true understanding and reciprocity in mind. Treat people the way THEY want to be treated, because you know you’d like to be treated the way YOU want to be treated. Understand others as who they are because you want to be understood as who you are. Walk away from interactions feeling understood, even if both parties agreed to disagree.

Love someone the way they want to be loved and trust that they’ll love you the way you want to be loved.

Of course, the world isn’t perfect. You’ll meet a lot of selfish people…or unenlightened people, or just broken people who can’t be reciprocal.

And unfortunately that’s going make for what YOU feel to be an unfair interaction, and is. But don’t let these people stop you from trying to be reciprocal. Because shutting the whole world out means shutting the good out..and you become like them and instead of perpetuating good, you’ll end up being someone who causes the next person to shut themselves off from the world.

Take a leap of faith.

And I think that to do that, to take that leap of faith. You need to be comfortable in your own skin first, to be comfortable putting yourself aside, to know that what others can’t fulfill you will be able to fulfill or at least handle by yourself (or trust that others in your life will make up for it).

You’d be amazed how hard it is to put yourself and your opinions aside in a conversation. And chances are it’s because you aren’t comfortable or happy with yourself and you want that conversation to satisfy something of yours.

Ha, this is ‘don’t take it personally’ on its truest level. Not saying that we don’t need to reflect on ourselves, but we can do it later. In private. But anyways.

It’s weird, we tend to be more..flippant? Comfortable with putting things out of sight when we’re comfortable and trusting of it. If you wear something comfortable, it’s like it’s not even there? Same concept. We only notice things that are uncomfortable, rather uncomfortable/bad things stick out to us. Comfortable things, not so much.

But I digress, if you know that you can pick yourself up and heal after a fall, you’re less likely to be afraid of falling. And knowing that you will be able to self-care even if your leap of faith was a miss will be what enables you to continue taking leaps of faith.

But really…because we all know the pain of falling. I think when we see someone jumping, we’ll try to catch them.

Wouldn’t it be beautiful, if we all  took leaps of faith and fell into each others arms?

You know, I think sometimes people don’t intentionally let us fall. They just don’t know how to catch, and it takes time for us to learn how to catch others. Everyone falls differently…and building reciprocal intra-actions also includes giving people the chance to get better and yourself the chance to get better at catching each other.

And I’m really proud that all my relationships and friendships have that.

Also, my mom is a great listener. It seems to be a Radio DJ host skill.

And…yes.introspective thinking and figuring out conceptual puzzles like this is my crack.

I’m very happy and fulfilled because of this right now.

Thank you fate for sending stuff I need to see my way.

Okay chocomon REALLY needs to do her assignments now.


Why I want to be a mother 

Most people don’t want kids. 

I do. 

I want to be a mother. 

And my reason is incredibly self-serving. 

It’s not for populating the world or continued existence for mankind or even that I think I’ll make a great mother. 

I admire mothers.  

I feel like women, when they become mothers, become something else entirely. 

There’s a strength that mothers have that i just admire. 

“They should come and talk you your mother.” There was such a line in Sarah’s poem and it’s so powerful to me. 

When you become a mother you have rights.

Actually that’s not the right word. It’s not that you have rights but that you give yourself such rights.  

Motherhood to me empowers a woman. She’s now responsible for a tiny human’s life. She will fight tooth and nail to protect that life, stand up to world even if necessary. 

Nothing stands between a mother and her child. 

It doesn’t matter if you’re the president or just a janitor.  The status of ‘mother’ is absolute. 

I doubt mothers really feel that way.  But the fact that they’ll act as guardians no matter the circumstances of their children  regardless of how they feel about themselves.

That’s powerful. That’s something I admire.  

Mothers, to me, have the most unconditional love in the world. 

So I want to be a mother, to be someone like that and be such a person to another life. 

It’s selfish. But I want to be a mother. 

Why I want to be a mother 

Just some blunt advice from you neighbourhood Chocomon 

It’s counterintuitive. But if you’re struggling with loneliness or insecurities  I advice you ask from personal space and spend some time alone.

Say wha? 

No amount of external reassurance would make you feel good if the self love isn’t there.  You need to do some introspective soul searching before any self love is achieved. And you can’t do that with people around you drowning out your inner voice and providing you crutches and distractions.  

You can feel lonely around people. You can also enjoy your own company. Make sure you learn how to do the latter. The best way to do so is to spend time with yourself, make effort to have a go so time with yourself. 

My second piece of advice for today? 

If you enjoy your own company, you probably like yourself.  That makes you likable to at least one person, you. 

Given the probability of similar likes and dislikes existing in this wolrd. This means at least one other person will like you for you. 

Remember, Only you can be you. You are not replaceable.  If you ever freak out wondering if you’re not good enough and will be replaced by someone else, know that if people leave you it’s not cause you are not good enough at being you. But because that other person just doesn’t like you. 

And that’s okay. You didn’t come to this world to get along with everyone.  You came to this world to experience and enjoy life. Don’t waste time on people who don’t like you. Spend it experiencing life with those who care and like you. 

How do you know if people like you? 

Your real friends will be there for you even when you’re at your worst and help you get back to your best. No, really. 

Last piece of advice? 

If you feel like shit today, hole up and watch some happy videos. We all have shit days, there isn’t a happy police telling you to be happy all the time.  

And that is all the advice from your neighbourhood Chocomon.  

Man you must live in a  really cool neighbourhood to have a Chocomon living in there. 


Just some blunt advice from you neighbourhood Chocomon 

7 Deadly sins

If I had to choose my sin, it’d be greed.

I want it all, I want everyone to have it all.

I want a world of abundance, abundance in love, appreciation and compassion.

It’s what drives me.

Funny, how someone to treasures temperance and balance chooses greed as her sin.

7 Deadly sins

Reeling it back

Tis been a much productive day.

Much relationship things discussed and explored.

But as great as all that was, it’s 20% of my life.

Really, I need to invest my time in things that matter like..emporium, school work and LIFE!

Okay, I was thinking about writing..

But yes, dangerous to let relationship stuff take over life.


So yes, will read more than two (the book) but we will also focus on life tomorrow. Ritual, Zurina work etc!



Reeling it back

My kind of polyamory

Everyone has their own kind of poly, just like how everyone has their own ideal relationship.

I’ve seen people who go with a very segregated approach where they don’t get emotionally involved with their partner’s relationship, don’t want to know or hear about it as long as they get their allocated time.

I can see how that works and I can see how that doesn’t work for me.

Trust is my most precious currency, relationships mean a lot to me because of it.

I don’t need it, so if I want to open myself up to you, to give you my trust,you must be a fucking special and amazing person.

Because I don’t need a partner, when I have one, they play an important and special role in my life. They’re my other half, I share all that is in my life with them, and would like that they do the same. Not because it’s expected, but because it’s mutual. You’re my partner, you have my absolute trust, I have nothing to hide from you because I know you accept me for who I am. You’re the person i can trust to have my back because I know you and you know me.

To me if someone chose me to be their partner, it means that they trust me, they want what I can give, they trust me to have their back, trust me to accept who they are and work through difficult times together, to become the best versions of ourselves.

Like I said, it’s mutual.

Nothing ruins my trust more that deceit, lies and hiding things. Anything that shows that you don’t trust me, can’t trust me. I don’t NEED a partner, therefore I don’t see the point in two people who don’t make each other happy, who can’t trust or respect each other to be together.

But I’m straying. Because of this mutual and complete exchange of trust, relationships are valuable to me. In addition, it also means that I’m not very good at my partner having dark little corners of their map that I don’t know about and vice versa.

To me, in a polyamorous relationship, it’s important to have good relationships with your metamours. I want to know them as people, really know them, know what’s going on and be happy for BOTH my partner and my metamour. And I want to be able to do that without reserve knowing that everyone in the relationship wants the best for each other.

The abundance mindset. That there’s enough love to go around for everyone and we don’t have to compete. Your metamour isn’t your competitor but a friend, a part of the person you love. Even if you don’t love them the way you love your partner, you love them by extension through your partner. You know that they make your partner happy just like how they know you make their (your) partner happy. You appreciate the roles you play in each others lives. You don’t have to be sisters, but being friends will be good.

I guess for me, I want to make sure everyone in the poly relationship is taken care of and happy. I will, and DO feel wary if I feel like I’m taking up too much of my metamours time with my partner. Their happiness matters if not for the fact that they’re a person, then for the fact that their happiness brings my partner happiness.

I want to and would love to be able to tell my partner and my metamour to have fun at something I’m not included in. To be able to be happy that they’ll come back happy and share that extra love and joy with me.

I believe and am inclined to polyamory because I feel like it means there’ll be more love and appreciation to go all around. Because everyone’s accepted for who they are and appreciated for who they are even though they’re different. There’s no ‘you’re better’, ‘you fit the best’. Everyone is loved for who they are and the contribution they can bring to a person’s life and altogether we enrich all of our respective lives.

That’s a beautiful thing to me.

So I’m open to threesomes, or even more than that if that’s what things develop into.

Other than that, whether or not I stay primary, or co-primary or how may secondary relationships exist on each side..all of it doesn’t matter to me.

I’d tell my own partner off if he’s not having a healthy relationship with my metamour.

Maybe I’m naive, maybe I’m too idealistic.

I just have that much love and want that much love involved.

I’d be equally upset if my metamour was lied to or hurt.

I want to love my partner because he is a person with a beautiful soul who loves and appreciates people for who they are and not always looking at what they’re not.

I feel GUILTY and BAD when thoughts such as ‘Oh he chose me over xxx’, because that’s not the spirit of polyamory. I don’t want my reptilian brain to win.

The freedom to love and to share love, to me, means so much more and is so much more beautiful than possession. Freedom is trust.

To know that someone freely CHOSE to love you and WANTS to love you, not because it’s an obligation but just because they want to. And to be able to freely let someone love others because you know they freely choose to love and be with you as well.

That’s the sort of trust. It’s one of the most difficult but most meaningful to me.

And relationships to me is nothing if not a meaningful experience.

To be able to be open and say “This is what I want” and discuss “This isn’t being fulfilled” and have the mutual trust and faith to go “How can we solve this?” because we love each other.

I realize it’s a lot to ask for.

I realize that not everyone is the right person, and sometimes you can’t force what doesn’t want to work. You can’t force someone who is monogamous to be poly and vice versa, sometimes we have to admit things won’t work.

And that’s part of trust too, to trust that the other person won’t force themselves to be okay, to speak up about problems and to try their best to work it out and to be willing to let go so we can all find happiness elsewhere.

At the end of the day, relationships are positive add-ons to our lives, but we don’t need them to be happy and fulfilled. I don’t NEED a relationship, which is why when I have one I want to make sure it’s worth everyone’s while, and is healthy and fulfilling for everyone involved.

It’s okay if such a person or relationship doesn’t exist, but I’d be damned if I didn’t try. You do it right or not at all, and yes, doing it right involves failure and learning.

Relationship requires effort, polyamory even more so. Nothing fulfilling and meaningful is ever easy.


My kind of polyamory