I wish I had words for how I feel now.
I’m broken, just plain broken.
I wish my feelings meant something.
I overreact sometimes.
But I wish the people most important to me tried to understand and tried to take care of me.
I am broken, I have problems…try to take care of me the way I need and want so I can stop empathizing and being hurt.
Perhaps my thinking is flawed.
I never think other people’s emotions are a burden. They can’t help it, you can call them out for it if it gets too much, but that being said, it’s not a burden. Never is. Anytime someone needs you, you drop the fuck you’re doing and you be there for them.
In the middle of the night, in the middle of camp, in the middle of a date. In the middle of anything.
I would like to think, as wrong as it is to expect from others what you do for them, then when I hit my bottom line that they do the same for me.
And not be judged for having bad timing, or inconsiderate.
The assumption that I would intentionally choose a time.
As if I don’t hate myself enough for choosing a bad time.
I reach out because I need help, crying, screaming, breaking down.
They happen because signs that you need help are ignored.
And it’s a last cry for help before a person is just..gone.
I don’t want to die.
But I am very good at just upping it and leaving.
I don’t need medicine or a doctor right now, I just need the two people closest to me to stop, just stop pushing and hurting me.
I know they don’t mean to, they don’t know it.
But because they don’t know it, and they can’t change, that’ it’s selfish for me to want to cut myself off? Or to feel hurt?
Feeling hurt when people accidentally hurt you and not being empathetic of them is YOUR fault now then.
I don’t think it’s right, but I’ve come to see that what I think is right hardly ever matters.
There’s always someone else’s opinions, they’ll always mean well, THAT will always be right.
And in light of all that my feelings are brushed aside.
I have to be understanding and the day I want to stop, the only way it CAN stop is if I just leave everyone and isolate myself.
The world is beautiful place, the deep-seated loneliness is just that.
But i’ve lived with a hole in my heart long enough to know that you can have a fulfilling life despite it.
And just to provide some justification for the lack of emotional stability.
If you constantly had to reign yourself in, brush off things that hurt, never ever give time to yourself because all of it will worry someone else. Is that not counted as stress or bottling?
It’s bad enough that there is a constant unfulfilled emotional need, to then have salt poured over that wound time over time. And to have to appreciate the kindness behind that pouring of salt. Because it meant well.
All to not hurt the people close to me.
I’ve held back a lot.
Held back from being overwhelmed. Held back from having hostility and hatred thrown at me. Held back from the pain of abandonment and being cut off. Held back from people not being considerate of my feelings.
Held back from having things thrown at me when I am at my breaking point and watching the person who supposedly love you most walk away.
Every single fucking time.
People who claim they love me the most.
Leave me in the fucking ditch when I am fucking broken and need them the most.
Yea a flight to catch, meetings to attend, time for bed.
And instead of leaving, I forgive, I try to understand.
But the pain, you don’t know the fucking pain, how much that fucking hurts.
To know that your tears, your breaking means less than a meeting, a show, a flight.
To be asked to just stop, stop making a scene, just stop it because they can’t handle it.
Wow, all the tears, the rants, anger spats I’ve had to endure at all sorts of times of the day.
I don’t feel like me worrying someone is bad, and why doesn’t anyone blame the people who make me worry like they’re doing something wrong?
So pardon me , if the dam is unstable and will break and overflow.
Is that enough on my plate to justify my emotional instability.
I don’t need medicine, I don’t need the doctor, I just need all this shit to STOP.
Need love. The kind of love I NEED. And no the sort they want to give.
And it’s not like I don’t tell them.
I speak up.
Tell me what is there left to do but break and then find the strength to piece yourself back together eventually and move on.
I tell them to stop, stop overwhelming me, stop hurting me, stop saying certain things.
I ask, to be held a certain way, to be understood.
They just CAN’T.
And I understand.
So I just beg, to let them let me be. And don’t kick me when I’m down.
At least when I need to cry and break down, just..let me.
I have nothing left, nothing else I can do.
The emotions they have to go somewhere.
I’ve asked for all other outlets and they are denied.
I’m only human too.
And it hurts, to be told that yes you’re human and you can have feelings and then be yelled at and insulted or have negative reactions when you do exactly as they say.
Maybe I’m just not strong enough.
I’m strong enough to not kill myself.
I’m strong enough to remind myself to stop hating myself.
I’m strong enough to remember to love myself.
I feel like that should be enough.
It has to be.
I don’t have anything more.
You know why I break?
I break because the little things I ask for always has to pile up until I break before someone fucking listens. Or in this case doesn’t listen.
I’m not crazy. I’m not broken, or I wasn’t, until I get broken.
But everyone else is caught up in their pain so mine has to wait.
And that breaks me a little more.
And I break.