Double amend

Okay so, we want to be wanted. 

We want him to want to spend time with us without us asking. 

He misses us…I guess not as much as we miss him? 

I don’t know. 

I know he loves me, I know he comes home to me. 

I know he’s had a busy few days. 

I just…want to be missed and want to be wanted.  

I know I just need to ask which I did. 

Still a bit of a bummer I guess.  

I want him to take the initiative to meet me. 

But okay granted he’s tired. 

So he has brownie points to pull him through this. 

Ah okay I’m feeling a little unconnected.

That need isn’t being fulfilled. 

Riri, he’s trying. You are loved. 

At least we aren’t doing the while comparing and worth thing. 

Appreciate that he’s willing to make time for you and not how he’s got to fit you in, you’re both busy. 

Ugh this whole thing feels like one big test and game that I really don’t want to play. 

Need major distraction.  

But he didn’t make the test, I’m just being…

Okay I’m not going to invalidate myself. Really thinking about it, am I feeling threatened or insecure? 

Okay, maximum 40% of such feelings. 

But I’ve resolved them. 

So just…yea okay mom coming late.  The floating around.  The giving and the disconnect.  From annie, from cass. 

I need to be alone properly to enjoy loneliness. 

I think after tmr MHD is a good idea. 

Or today MHD is a good idea. 

Focus on myself and shut the world out. My little tantrum. 

*nods* 

And sleep. Oh god i miss having a bed. 

Okay I’m down because of legitimate reasons.  (Compounded reason)

I’ve done good. Very good.turned away from insecurity, managed to validate but disagree.  Kept an open mind. Was supportive.  Healthily reached out. 

Just..I’m down and want some company and love. 

And I’m rightfully down because of bad sleep, the disconnect from mom, expanding energy (which will take some time to get used to) on being healthy poly (AnAnd keeping the ‘I’m don’t approve” voice down)…

I will feel better once we talked a d he shares and also once I feel more independent and very improtant had good sleep. 

Accept how bad it feels and move on. 

And I haven’t taken MHD In a while. Today’s a good day for it 

Double amend

How does someone live like that

Hahaha that someone is me. 

So update from previous post.  

I just needed to learn to be alone again. 

And enjoy it. 

Which  I do.  

And I also did the healthy “reach out to share” screw my ‘I’m selfish’ Fe fucntion. 

And lo and behold.  Haha. 

So…I mean I KNOW I live in my head…but I feel like if someone read my blog, which is me externalize  my head. I think they would wonder how anyone could possible live like this. So fucking many thoughts and feelings about every little thing in the world. How am I not overwhelmed.  So many switches in feelings and perspectives…oh that’s the switching camera angles in the box room test. 

The inside of my head is an amazing place and I amuse myself greatly. 

Okay I’m done! 

How does someone live like that

Unloading 

Reflecting and unloading is so important for me because if I don’t externalities my thoughts, I feel like they aren’t really and haven’t been solidified and properly addressed…Basically I’ll forget what I’ve worked out and figured out if I don’t externalize.

And also because I just enjoy sharing about me and how I deal with myself in a safe space.  The whole being understood thing.  

Anyways. 

So we first couldn’t sleep because our insecurity flared up when pebbi said he said a sleep over and will let me know what time to come over today. 

Haha the outside is going: what is wrong with that!?

So I isolated that it made me feel u special and unimportant. The unhealthy thinking was that it was my day, he said he really wanted to catch up with me and missed me…but is basically letting his time with another person cut into time that was specially set aside for me.

I also felt like my time wasn’t respected. And that this action reflects that he didn’t think of me or take me into consideration. 

Oh god verbalizing it, I now see the actual stupidity.  

Now it’s normal to feel and think this way, the feeling is valid but also upsetting me and goes against my values. 

This thinking all boils down to my fear and insecurity of not being special to him, being replaced…it stems from my self worth issue. “If I’m worthy he’d think of me first and respect my time and give me the same if not more time than others.”

I laughed at myself at that.  How did that even sound logical in my damn brain!? 

Brain I love you though. You just work better when your ram is freed up from all these thoughts being externalized. 

First of all, people don’t respect your time or think of you because of how worthy you are. People act around you not based on YOUR worth but their own habits.  I try not to waste anyone’s time, even those whom I think aren’t worth my time because of my values that one should always respect the time of others.  

Now I don’t think it’s right to disrespect the time of others but I won’t force others to adopt this value, especially not in action because, well, plenty of people disrespect other people’s time for reasons beyond their control.  No one is intentionally disrespectful  (usually), some, like my mom just has no perception of time. 

Pebbi has no perception of respecting time, not of himself or others because he’s the spontaneous sort.so he’s not…making me unimportant, he’s just…being himself.  

So now what’s improtant for me is figuring out how to manage the act of never having my time respected. Because that’s all I can do. 

So I naturally have ‘have my time respected’ as an expectation, and also the ‘if you love me and miss me you’ll want to see me now’ expectations. I don’t even want to address the second one cause I already realize how unhealthy and needy and stupid it is. But since it appeared in my head, I will note it down anyways. 

Addressing it, basically I placed my worth and value on him making time for me.   Tying my worth to how people treat me is UNHEALTHY. Bad thinking.  Self worth comes from self love. Appreciate when others treat you well, but know that it’s never got anything to do with YOU but everything to do with themselves. People don’t abuse you because you’re worthless, they do it because they are fucked up and have issues.  Now what really matters is, does the way you’re treated upset you, why and is it hurtful to you. 

Having my time disrespected is generally bad. It’s bad for me. But is this really my time being disrespected or just how I feel? It’s how I feel. Because let’s face it, if I told him I had certain things on or if I needed him to be on time etc.  He won’t.. well..take up my time or take liberties with my time.  Also if I asked, positively?l, that I really missed him and would like more time with him so it’d be nice if he could he on time..he would be. Fact is, I made the effort to accommodate him because…that’s me. So I can’t grudge and say “oh he’s not respecting me or thinking of me” when clearly I made the offer to ‘let my time be disrespected’.

So what, I was subconsciously testing how much I was worth to someone basing on whether or not they’d make time for me even though I made the offer to convenience them? 

O.o

That’s so not healthy a thinking..and I realize I’ve done this so much in the past.  Testing people to prove my worth based on making them choose between me and things. 

Ri, your worth is not tied to how others treat you. It’s a compeltly pointless test and action.  And will not make you feel any better. 

So back to time respected.  In my value system, I do genuinely feel that respecting the time of others is good and therefore naturally have that expectation of others by default.  But it’s an expectation that can be switched off to no harm of me. 

Oh God realization.

I need to give pebbi the sort of love I give annie. 

My love and relationship with annie is the healthiest.  

I’m not trying and never will, to prove or judge my worth by how good or how well a friend I am to her. Our friendship is not something I use to define my worth as a person. (And God forbid, our friendship is so much more sacred and beautiful that a ruler for my self worth). Relationships doesn’t be a ruler for self worth. 

I shouldn’t be with him to have him make me feel like I’m worthy. That’s just healthy level 100000. Relationships are for sharing and making your life more positive and happy. But so many people mistake that for “the relationship should fix me or make me feel better”. 

Yea. No. 

Only YOU can fix you and make yourself feel better. I want to be Annie’s friend and be nice because I just do, it makes me happy, I just..love her. There’s no deserving or anything. We have fun together, we get along.  Most improtant we get each other and don’t judge. 

I said before that love is all, and that acceptance of the soul is the highest form of love. And that we want to be loved because we need to be acknowledged and recognized to know that we exist.  The need to know that we exist is I think a very fundamental need.  

But okay that’s straying  wayy too far. 

So back to relationship with pebbi.  Or a romantic relationship in general. I wanted a relationship like the one in the x man fanfiction  because it was so…natural. no worth no judgement.  Just two people who naturally fell in love and enjoy being together and sharing life together. 

I want to date my best friend.

A romantic relationship is basically dating your best friend but having additional romantic needs (which you don’t REALLY need to be happy, just extra spice) met. 

So my additional needs and wants were to have someone be completely honest and be there for me when I’m down and not judge me for my flaws and also someone to just share life, make each other better, support each other, inspire and be happy. 

So yea, basically like my relationship with annie but with sex and physical affection.  

Oh god that’s why I’m poly. 

My love is basically friendship + sex. (Do we tell pebbi that? Best not…) and okay to be fair I guess a romantic attraction. Which is nice, the contract to make things magical for each other. That tingle in the stomach. 

Friendship is well..not romantic. Hence aromate. I don’t want magical tingly feeling with annie or cass. That feels wrong. Ew. No.

Hahaha  

But I digress. 

My self love comes from me.  

Whether or not I’m at peace with myself and fulfilling my personal needs. 

And okay I love to share all these thoughts discoveries with people, not to enforce but so that they can understand me better and also be happy for me that I leveled up my wise cactus.  (Remember, being understood is a form of love and also a basic need. Because being misunderstood is a denial of your existence and being.)

So uh where were we? 

Right expectations. 

So I can’t expect pebbi to ‘respect my time’, but this expectation is togglable for me. He’s just not a time person, I just am. And I’m just not  tact person so there. 

Honestly..if  I treat this relationship like my relationship with annie…what is there to manage?

There are and should not be any expectations.  Just appreciation. 

I just…deal. 

If I never want annie to be on time, if I need her to i ask. I don’t expect her to rely, if I need her to I ask.  

I think the biggest and most real takeaway about relationships and whether these people are worth your time is that, the willingness (mot sctual ability) for these poeple to be there fkr you when you need them to when you ask for it. 

Pebbi will make more time for it as long as I ask nicely and respectfully. He will be there for me if I ask. He will listen and share if I ask (or even, don’t ask). 

The whole train of thought of trying to even out the expectation  by thinking “oh since he doesn’t respect my time, I can deal by asking if I need time and bringing up and sharing my thoughts and fulfill my need for honesty and trust whenever” is..just as unhealthy.  It’s not a trade off. 

We should just accept and appreciate and not expect. 

I wonder if expectations are tied to self worth and peace with self. We expect because we think we deserve certain things. 

But it’s like…it ia not about your worth. Just don’t be a  idiot and surround yourself with people and things that are bad for you. Link actually hurtful people and situations (Aka abusive people and family or people who project their shit on you ) and surround yourself with peopel who ameliorate your life by being themselves.  It’s okay to have a few relationships that you don’t get hurt but also get none of your needs met. Like..when there’s no give and take, there’s no balance and it becomes a drain.  Your inventory is only so large, don’t buy holes to put it and don’t buy too many useless shit. 

So basically back to my relationship.  

It’s plain and simple.  My worth is tied to me. Not how pebbi treats me, unless he hurts me, abuses me or takes advantage of me…There’s no reason to feel hurt or upset.  There is no need for expectations too because people who love you will love you to be best of their ability.  And most importantly will be willing to be there when you ask and need them.

And appreciate what he does for me , and the additions he does bring into my life, which he does. Great sex (sorry brain still on sex ), someone to enjoy mutual hobbies and share things with, someone to grow and see new experiences with.  

..yea. like we aren’t the same, he can watch horror movies with others and I can travel by myself or with others (and not only stay 3 days in a place). Ultimately we both still want to share these experiences with each other though we know it might not be that person’s cup of tea just because we want to share the joy. 

Another indicator besides willingness to be there for you in the dark tunes.  Desire to share joy with you. 

I’m being so stupid just stubbornly looking how his actions define my worth and forgot to look at the mindset and intentions.  Everybody behaves differently, it’s sometimes the thought that matters.  (There’s no catch all anything. Road to hell is paved with good intentions. I think how harmful said action is is an indicator of whether or not you should disregard the good thought.  Like if feeding me seafood because you love me..then yes i cannot appreciate the thought and let the action slide. I need to tell you to change. Which is what I did with my mom.  And if you love me you’ll be willing to to try!)

All this time, he’s had a good experience, out doing his own things and..you know what? He’s excited to share them with me. Wants to share them with me. Will make time to do so. But like..no one shares the movie with another before the movie ends. You might suddenly start sharing a little in the Centre..but basically.  Look what’s improtant isn’t how much time he’s dedicating to sharing. It’s his desire to share. The experience isn’t complete yet and so he wants to complete it. But he definitely he wants to share with me because he wants to share his joy and excitement and things he learned with me because I’m his life partner. No matter who he hangs out with or what he does, he wants to share those experiences with me. Especially the joy.

Isn’t that what being happy together means? 

I want to drag him restaurants and share pictures and share random thoughts about my day because I want to share the happiness I derived from yummy food or making a new metal discovery or leveling up my wise cactus.  

He wants to see me.

..in fact..I wonder if I should even contemplate the whole “his need is to be selfish”. It makes him happy to be selfish. 

Does he really? It’s actually quite against his nature. It’s a sad kind of happy.  Like I want people to think of me and stuff…but really when I’m allowed to be selfish..it doesn’t really sit well with me cause it goes against my soul. It only pleases the insecure angry vengeful dark side of me.

And I love my dark side, she is my protector but if it is something that feeds her but hurts me…then she isn’t doing her job. Protecting me. -.- it becomes cancer basically. Your own immune system attacking yourself.  Oh god, that’s basically what insecurities and depressions are. Your own immune system attacking you. The things that were supposed to make you have integrity and confidence and protect your from getting taken advantage of turning around to just attack everything in you. Wow. 

You have nothing to share if you don’t have your own life or do fun and interesting things (that makes you happy). Granted it needs to be healthy. I wouldn’t take someone sharing about drugs or getting broke because of prostitution as ‘sharing happiness with me’.
But morally ambiguous things..and I mean morally ambiguous due to our society’s biases. Like annie sharing her shroom experience or pebbi exploring polyamory. We were told shrimps is bad, only monogamy is true love. That’s why there’s a stigma and it felt like he was beings selfish or taking advantage. 

The real uncomfortable question might be: is he taking advantage of me? Or rather defining when he’s taking advantage of me? 

He is doing this because his life was boring, his personal  needs (which i cany fulfill just how he cant fulfill my personal needs) aren’t being fulfilled. He had no happiness to share. So he’s doing his part be be a happy fulfilled person and sharing the exciting journey with me. 

Now this doesn’t mean that tomorrow we don’t watch the videos or set boundaries for how to be there for me, because judging and being contemptuous about stuff that hurts me is harmful. Even if his point was he didn’t want me to be upset and therefore wanted to make me feel like the thing want wroth being upset over.  It’s invalidating and therefore hurtful. There are better ways. 

Why shouldn’t I be happy and equally excited that he’s exicted to share his new experiences with me. The whole ‘he’s not having that experience with me’ or he is having fun with peopel besides me jealousy Bullshit that once again stems from wanting to use relationship to judge worth. If I’m worthy he should have all the fun with me. I wouldn’t want annie to not have fun with other people. Wanting her to not have a good experiences simply because I’m not a first hand part of it is selfish and unhealthy. 

I am actually pretty excited now.  And I feel loved. Coming home to me really means always wanting to share things with me and willingness to be there for me. 

It starts being taking advantage of me when he stops wanting to share these experiences with me, stops sharing any experience with me and instead only with his new chosen other. And stops being willing to be there for me when he is needed, choosing someone else over me in a time of need (an unreasonable choice of course. If she’s suicidal and im just needing to rant then..but if it’s like movies with a girl and I need  a serious talk then…that’s taking advantage.  He puts me first, we’ve seen this carried out. Unhappy serious break up talk and he offered to cancel and postponed movie for it). But still wants to keep me around mainly for sex and companionship. Then it’s taking advantage of me. And that’s not okay. That’s hurtful, there is no love and balance. 

So now we know the line too. Yay!!!!

I think last thing I want to address a little is fairness. The open relationship is only on one side. For now I think it’s okay because I see the dates and people as new experiences. They are experiences I honestly don’t want to have. Even if given the permission, I have no desire to make any effort to find peopel to date..God forbid. The idea of it scares me. Holy fuck. But if it is part of his needs and growth to just experience loving many different people…yea go for it. Unless he stops me from trying new experiences I want (that isn’t harmful). Then it’s really unfair. But okay, he likes dating others and I like travelling (being free) and doing crazy fun stuff. If he doesn’t stop me from trying to lead my way of life, why should I stop his? I think it’ll only need to be addressed if I have the desire to experience dating another person or sleeping around. (Idea is nice..but finding such a person and building trust..the process is just…cannot).  But I don’t have that need. And frankly if I have it, it will probabky be a full on serious romantic relationship in which case I have to be careful about not taking advantage or disregarding him and not be there from him. But there’s no such person who catches my interest so *shrugs* . I do like to play around, or at least the idea of it.so I understand why it’s fun and exciting and I want to share that excitement.  

And if anything does stop being good between us (remember it’s not a comparison…your value is not involved in fucking  sharing of good experiences. Be a good experience,don’t compare experiences. No two experiences are the same)…then okay we are no longer adding things to each other’s life. We should break up.  I will be sad but don’t keep holes an deadweight in your life inventory.if we aren’t meant to be and can’t share or fulfill each other’s needs anymore then…yea it’s time to part ways. 

And isn’t it a GOOD thing to have more people fulfill your needs and wants? I’m just the most solid and permanent source.  But I should be happy if other people are fulfilling wants I can’t fulfill  (my ability to fulfill is also not reflective of my worth.  I don’t fulfill what’s to prove my worth. I fulfill wantss to fulfill my ‘make people hapy’ needs.) And him receiving even more love and people. Who accept him. 

I don’t need to be the special one, I don’t want to.  I am the home base because I’m compatible to be it. I can accept and fulfill the largest number of his needs and wants. Not because I came  first or I’m more worthy.  Wanting to be special to someone is..another tying self worth to others thing. I am a special unique person.  How important it am in a person’s life is not definitive of my worth. It’s definitive of their needs in life thought lol . 

And it works in reverse too. I too reach out, albeit to me study safe circle of friends to fulfill needs and wants (food night, fluffy talks) that he can’t.  Doesn’t mean I love him less or will neglect him. Only if I choose those experiences over his time of need. Or being petty and going “oh you no give me 15 minutes today, I won’t give you 15 minutes top. ” 

It’s not a scorecard. We don’t keep scores. Sharing if experiences and being there for people happens naturally depending on what life throws at you and your way of life and personal needs.  

Just for archiving purposes. Supporting someone falls under willingness to be there. (Unless it’s something horrible that will hurt hurt them like killing or drugs ). 

So yea, it would be nice if it was open on my bed too on a technicality. But it’s really more for his sake than mine. It’s not an experience I have or want right now. But it’s just…if he’s willing to open it up, it also means that he has gotten over tying his worth to the relationship and it will mean that he is comfortable and has enough confidence and tries in the relationship.  Basically it’s just opening it up both ways makes him a healthier person and also means his ‘I no selfish’ is fulfilled.  

I think that’s everything that needs addressing. 

Wow. 

I wouldn’t have been able to see or realize all this if I wasn’t able to let go..well,I’d use the words look past my insecurities. I still need to work on improving sense of self love and be more at peace and comfortable with myself so the insecurities will truly be resolved.  But at least the healthy mindset is there now and we know when we are straying because the insecurities are laying out shit direction signs. Haha. 

So..in action? This means doing my own thing (in do have shit to do ) to be at peace with myself (and though if I didnt have things to do…yay alone time and enjoy experienced I like and makes me happy.)

I think I’m more ready for polyamorous relationships now and I’m proud as its a part of me and a value in me…an identity? I want to I’ve up to. I honestly…no longer think, with this healthier mindset that only closed triad will work or I’m not okay with him honestly having a side relationship. I’d doubt his ability to handle two serious relationship at the same time given his job and current EQ. But on my end we can do poly. The article is right, you shouldn’t have a preconceived expectation about how the poly should look or work, beyond it being safe and consensual. And healthy. If anyone in the relationship uses another party as threats or dates a new person to spite someone..then it’s not healthy and not okay.  

A bigger house also means more space for more ammo and dirt to grow and clean.  Just manage it well and you’ll reap the benefits! 

I’m really glad that im growing and really figuring out healthy relationships and relationships that I want. 

Fact is I get excited by new things and people and new experiences. The sharing fulfills my honesty needs and  novelty fulfills my ‘want things to change’ wants.  I have  feeling the chronic poly phase will stop when the novelty wears off for both of us, more him than me, since it’ll stop spicing up the relationship as much. And I mean…the situation is naughty. I like naughty.   End of story. 

Boundaries do need to be set for respectful purpose. Like my house is our sanctuary.  Unless the other person is coming aboard as a full time family member..it’s sacred. No bringing flings to the house. 3somes..I think hotel might be better too. And of course..my mom.  And once again, the healthy no take advantage boundary . 

I’ll probably have more Posts like this because it’s not that easy to cause away insecurities and unhealthy thinking.  My self love is not at 100% yet, I haven’t mastered taking ownership of my self worth and when I’m tired or low on points it be easy to slip back into negative selfish mode of seeing things. 

But for today? I did good. I won! I grew and learnt. I’m not jealous of insecure that he has a sleepover and it may delay date day because: 

  • This isn’t demonstrative of his love or my worth 
  • He is excited to share it with me so I am to share with him!
  • I made huge growth in relationship self discovery 

Okay,  I’m really done now. Should sleep a bit, there is work…work that I don’t like waiting for me. And yes still have to slowly build my way of life! But we are making progress! 

Unloading 

Connecting with myself

You know those annoying whispers in your head that imagines fears for you?

I want to punch it.

Karim Rashid is right, letting go of our fears is important.

Most if not all bad things stem from fear.

To be fearless is amazing.

But the state of fearlessness is to have been in the state of fear.

Okay lets not go there for now haha

I’ve missed connecting with myself, it must sound weird since I basically live in my head.

But I haven’t, besides Yoga, which makes me connect with my physical self.

Definitely self-love is something I need to work on, which involves confronting unsavory things about myself.

Like freaking out about what my friends think about me.

I’m glad I’ve graduated from what everyone thinks about me to just my friends.

I like figuring out what people are thinking or behaving, but it doesn’t mean I  should care about or think about what they think of me.

What they think of me is their right and not under my control.

I guess how people think of me isn’t related to if I’m understood and if they like me.

How people think of you is based on their values, as is if they like you.

But these two are based on different values.

How people think of you is how they process you through their values and reality.

Whether or not they like you is dependent on their needs and wants from social interactions.

In GENERAL you will not like someone you don’t think well of. In general.

But it’s definitely possible to not like someone you think well of.

I think well of lots of nice people out there, but  I don’t like them because…well we won’t get along.

But you don’t have to get along with someone to think good of them.

Whether or not I am understood stems from how well someone else understands how I perceive myself and how I understand myself.

I guess for people who are incredibly self-aware that’s important. To make sure you’re seen the way you see yourself.

Sense of self I guess is a choice?

And there are so many possibilities and aspects to being yourself.

Your true name encompasses all the possible versions of you.

So if someone understands you different from how you understand yourself. who is right?

You could both be, they understood a certain version of you.

If their version of you leads them to leave you or not like you…

You have choices, do you want to change yourself to change their understanding of you?

I think when you truly love yourself and you’re comfortable with yourself, you won’t care as much if others understood you wrongly.

At the end of the day, YOU need to spend time with you YOURSELF for the rest of your life.

The only person who needs to be happy and comfortable with you is…you.

So you liking yourself and loving yourself…the word is being at peace with yourself and who you are is far more important than whether or not others see you as you want them to be.

I don’t think we’ll ever get rid of our need to be understood as the validation validates our existence and is a form of love, but it is also essential that WE be at peace and love ourselves.

The world has 7 billion people. If some people misunderstood you or don’t understand you perfectly and they chose to leave you…lets just say that if all you need is ONE other person to understand you and validate your existence then..well people come and go in your life.

So let go of the shackles of worrying about people staying in your life.

The right people will stay no matter what, if they go then it’s time that they go.

I’m blessed person, I have an aromate and fellow corns.

But I know that I will die the same way as I came into this world, alone.

So as much as their thoughts and opinions matter to me, what matters most is if I am okay with my own thoughts and opinions.

I think the beautiful and scary thing is that we can change.

Our personality, our actions, our values, everything, can change.

And sometimes that change is involuntary and subconscious.

Our ‘self’ is actually really fragile.

But at the same time we can also be stubborn asses and unchangeable.

Never taking in anything new or any other opinion.

That strength and flexibility, to be fluid enough to change but also retain enough integrity to be ‘yourself’, whatever version of yourself you feel you might be at that time, is what we need to try to achieve.

But to embody such strength and flexibility simultaneously first requires you be comfortable with yourself, comfortable enough so you know what form you truly are, what form you want to be and to change into other forms knowing you’ll be able to change back.

If you’re comfortable with your own opinions and truly believe in them, you wouldn’t be afraid to listen to others and adopt their perspective.

And knowing that the self CAN change, and it doesn’t mean you stop being you, because you are you and you can choose to change…well it also makes taking in new things a lot less scary.

It’s all about balance…as usual.

I liked the message I just sent, that I’m doing a huge mental clean up.

It’s the problems of being someone who likes to adopt other people’s points of views for understanding sake.

It’s like Rouge absorbing people.

I’ve absorbed lots of people lately, Don Norman, that lady who wrote Quiet, Karim Rashid, David Kelley, Annie, the lady who wrote that abuser book, Annie, Cass, Kuri, My mom, EJ…

Everyone has a different outlook in life and about things, everyone has their own outlook about what will make me happy based on their own perceptions. And they’re all right in their own ways…but there will be a way that agrees with YOUR soul exclusively.

If you do what disagrees with your soul, you’d be miserable.

So yea..I was miserable because I was trying to live using someone else’s values that I didn’t realize I adopted.

It’s easy to organize and box up the ones I agree with, or concepts/ideas that I had personally already come to and was just receiving reinforcements.

The others are harder, especially those that…you know society agrees with but disagrees with you.

I’m not cut out for a normal relationship, trying to be in one brings out the worst in me and makes me miserable because I feel like I’m not myself and I feel like I’m a complete failure and the relationship also becomes a failure because it wasn’t meant to be a normal relationship to begin with. We are both people who wouldn’t make it in a normal relationship. That’s why we chose each other.

Is this what people around me will agree with?

I think the fact that I freaked LJ out is explanation enough.

But I’m not him, naturally what works for me doesn’t work for him and vice versa.

So…yea…doing a deep cleaning of my own brain.

And it’s coming out pretty well, new stuff I absorbed was like how there’s no right or wrong in thinking, just healthy or unhealthy (and even that is dependent on the person in question).  Designer concepts and how designers view the world and what they do, which really further clarified what I want to do and who i want to BE and HOW to be that.

Really grown in the relationship department in figuring out really what is it I REALLY want and not just what I think I want. Honesty makes me feel safe, knowing makes me feel secure. Validation is a great communication tool, but also sometimes unknowingly becomes enablers.

I also feel like I’m becoming a better counselling person. And I realized it’s important to not GIVE advice but guide someone into figuring out the problems themselves, and I also realize that that’s what I needed all along. Not advice. Advice puts me off because it’s other people enforcing what they think of me, it requires more effort for me to process. But advice is still important, but I guess I need to be clear from now on if I want to ask for advice or just rant and be guided to a conclusion. This is important in my future interactions with people.

As for definition of success and achievement. I did get influenced and fell into the whole ‘I’m not doing enough with my life’ trap because of the whole ‘you aren’t a working adult’ fiasco.

I am not and will never be ‘a working adult’.

The needs list was an amazing exercise and I’m so glad I took the time to do it.

And it helped me give Hachi great advice too.

If my needs are unfulfilled, I’ll be unhappy.

Trying to live up to other people’s expectations that are not inline with your needs…explosion and disaster.

Essentially, we can deal with disapproval if ultimately we ourselves are fulfilled.

So my needs, which I didn’t realize and couldn’t find it, hence causing me to be influenced, was my need to:

  • Be independent
  • Contribute to the good of the world

As long as my life is working towards fulfilling these two central needs, I’m good. Fuck what other people says or thinks. My purpose of making people happy fulfills the second need, so doing what fulfills my purpose fulfills my need.

Being independent is a little harder, I want to have control over my life because I want freedom and hate shackles. And at this juncture of my life that means becoming financially independent and making my own way, and I’m still working on that.

The FASTEST route to that is getting a job, hence my frantic job search to appease myself.

But getting a job went against my contribute to good of world and also my innate need to stay true to myself.

On an even more personal front I realized that my career..I don’t want a job, I want a way of life.

Having a job could be a way of life as well, but that’s the corporate way of life which satisfies none of my needs.

So I want a career that IS a way of life, at least to me.

The needs thing really clarified how despite my WANTS to see the world, why it didn’t agree with my soul fully. Me travelling doesn’t mean I contribute shit. The need is still unfulfilled.

A lot of my hobbies, writing, gaming, events, meeting people, they also fulfill my needs and maybe partially aid me with skills and experiences that will help me accomplish things that will fulfill my needs.

And in my desperation to immediately fulfill my need, I wanted to just travel and go because it’s the most visible change that seemed like it would lead to me fulfilling my needs. Like I would be making real progress.

But deep down I knew it was an empty gesture.

What I really need to do now is to really sit down and build my own way of life.

I already know that I want to contribute to the good of the world and make people happy via the emporium.

I know that I want to become an experience designer, but it’ll be at least 3-5 years before I can actually call myself that in earnest. I have a lot of skills I need to pick up before I’m professional enough to do that..and there’s no shame in it. I starting and refining my craft so I can really bring good things into the world, everyone starts from somewhere. Plus I don’t want to be a somebody so…I don’t need to prove anything. I just want to put good in the world, high quality good..which means I need to level up. That’s all there is to it.

I also know that I want to be close to he ground and really interact and touch the people I make happy.

I know that I want to approach this whole thing from a designer mindset. The emporium (aside from my idea bunnies which gets logged down) will look for problems and create projects that will solve those problems. Projects that solve problems using themed spaces and experiences. So like the Secret base and more recently the night office idea or the travelling office idea. All came from problems I noticed that I want to fix, that will contribute to the good.

Of course on a more realistic level, I need to figure out HOW TO MAKE THESE THINGS MAKE MONEY so I fulfill my independence need. Yes Panda making more money is great, but I don’t want to be a panda forever.

The needs thing is great too, so from now on I can make decisions and judgement not just with my gut (which actually all along has just been subconsciously conveying if things align with my needs, thank you gut), but with my needs list. (E.g. the PU thing didn’t agree with my soul because I didn’t feel like it actually contributed to my needs of doing good in the world).

So what I have to do next is just..put all that together, the mindset, operations, monetizing and ideas into a way of life. Incorporating my studying, hobbies and my identities into it.

And as always, still find time to be fun and spontaneous.

For now..NAP TIME!

 

 

 

Connecting with myself

My mini-goals

  • Strengthen  moon bottle for emotional control with more meditating yoga things 
  • Practice greater positivity and more zen cactus 
  • Cultivate more confidence is self and my own opinions but remain open minded 
  • Do more fun and silly stuff 
My mini-goals

Knowing

Despite what others might say, my gut does always know what I want. (My gut also knows when it feels paralyzed).

Today has been..enlightening and I’m at the stage of being at peace with myself.

So just wanted to run through what happened and all that.

I judged myself for a little bit, wondering if I was weird or broken for not wanting a monogamous relationship. And if that was bad an unhealthy.

Then I fish slapped myself because what’s important is if I was happy.

And I think I finally see why I sought a relationship with Peb.

The same fishy confusing frustrating attitude is also what I actually needed if managed healthily.

What do I mean?

I oscillate between being independent and dependent.

The core of my being, my value and perception of myself is that I am an independent person, but I have dependent times and moments where I want to just be taken care of.

So I want someone who will let me be independent but also has moments where I can be the clingy girlfriend.

I wanted to be emotionally faithful in me but..I fundamentally don’t believe in monogamy. I just..can’t? I know some people are and some people make it work. But I can’t.

Call it that I’m broken or lack of faith, I believe that people will always be out looking for options and others. And..to me, if I think that’s acceptable, why do I need to enforce monogamy on my partner?

I guess because to me, I know if I love someone, meeting someone else for a fun fling won’t make me love the person I’m with less. Now if we are talking about a complete relationship…I feel like I’m built for a closed triad, but maybe even then I’m not?

I guess I’m really still discovering this.

But I know clearly today that my need is honesty.

Number on first and foremost need is honesty.

I need to know what a person is thinking.

It makes me feel safe and secure and trust.

Even if what’s being thought hurts..the hurt I can overcome with my thinking in some ways.

I don’t know how healthy this is..but..well…I’m happy and I finally feel like myself.

The whole need need insecure be there love me aah aah, that’s a part of me, I don’t deny, but that’s the me that’s driven my insecurities and anxiety.

It’s not me at full potential, it’s me as a broken gem.

And I know that…even people close to me won’t well I guess they’ll accept but they won’t agree with my preferences I guess?

It legitimately makes me feel at ease to know that my other half is out getting the need I know he has satisfied provided there’s honesty and it’s not done as a replacement of me. The honesty ensures that I know that at any time, he doesn’t want the relationship anymore. So i know the actions being taken isn’t done out of dissatisfaction or desire to threaten or replace me.

Basically polygamy to provides certainty to the ‘will he want someone else’ fear in me. Yes, he will want someone else, but basically, unless this relationship is not satisfying, he’s not going to leave it. And at the end of the day, what matters to ME is not him ONLY staying with me but him always coming back to me.

Because to me, how I love is that I always go back to the person as well. I just happen to have a way way way harder time getting interested in other people.

But i know in my heart that even I will stray or want to stray and to keep me is to let me have the freedom to explore.

And freedom to try crazy things and just DO things, and be…just who I am and what makes me happy instead of fitting inside a box.

Will I deny that I’ve made bad choices or let my depression and anxiety speak of my behalf and gaslight me?

Nope, but my gut always makes sure I fight and try and get back to my centre.

And reading back at my blog, I can safely ascertain that, whatever insecurities and attacks I had, could have been exacerbated by Peb but really…he didn’t cause them.

And as much as I trust my friends and go to them for opinion. I want to make my own choices, even if they suck and hurt me, to me the freedom of choice. Of following your gut even if it sucks..

I know it doesn’t make sense to some people, but it’s me, it’s my flaw.

I live my life the way I want to, I know the people who love me will want the best for me and what they think is the best for me.

But sometimes what makes me happy isn’t what they think is the best for me.

Now I can dwell on maybe how broken that makes me but if it agrees with my centre and my soul then..I don’t believe in the easiest or the most expedient way out. I choose the way I feel and find has purpose. That’s true to my values.

People will call this stupid but I want to stick by my values, I’d rather get hurt than have not been true to myself and it’s something many people struggle with when it comes to me.

Why do you want to be miserable?

Because I won’t be truly happy if I feel guilty.

If someone asked what I really wanted was I wanted to be happy with Pebbi again.

The break up is me wanting to give up. Because there’s no point in me trying if the other person isn’t willing to try.

But he was.

So..I have closure now. Try and fail, I’m okay.

My main problem now is I feel and fear that I can’t just go to and not be judged by my corn circle anymore, which is…painful.

But it’s 12 fucking am and I have no HP for that on any planet.

My key? Be happy.

Ah and yes, I figured it out. I’d rather make a decision that sucked than one I’d regret.

But I do agree, if I basically stuck a hole to myself instead of an additional add-on, then yes I’d be upset. But..I want to turn my hole back into an add-on, I don’t want to just throw it away without trying.

And I recognize that as my biggest flaw and biggest strength.

But ultimately believing in the best and having the strength to reach out even after you’ve hurt is something I want to graduate to.

Lets just say Buddhism agrees with me a lot.

And I want to get as close to enlightenment as I can while being human.

And i’ve come to realize that most people just understand..pieces/slices of me. There’s a degree of…complexity. Depth. Various other versions. Different sides, opposing sides, because I believe in balance, that makes it hard for people to get me.

So someone who just accepts me is also something I want, accept and respect me but…still TRY to understand.

Trying is important to me, people’s efforts mean more than results of their action for me sometimes…a lot of times…because I grew up with people whose best attempts aren’t exactly what I want.

And…i guess I truly believe that we should see the best in people…but also balance the kill fucking assholes.

Basically I want to be Garnet. Or Gon and Killua simultaneously.

I make my life very difficult, bottom line.

Because I believe in balance, though it’s HARD to live as a balanced person..but I WANT to be one. So..all these pain and stupid shit is inevitable.

What’s important is to not be obsessive about who is right and who is wrong, everyone is right in their own ways.

You can’t change your needs.

You can’t change your core.

Yes you can change your ways and who you are.

Whether or not right=healthy depends on people I guess.

So yea…do I want APPROVAL of my life choices…

It’d be nice but no, it’s not a need.

My need is to be true to myself and die without regrets.

Approval is a want but if approval cancels out with my true to myself…sorry I’ll be an askhole.

Chances are, I normally have a decision or perspective and I go to others to give it power or justify it.

I was just waiting for someone to tell me that Zon really is bad so just leave.

But if I don’t feel like that person IS that bad then any attempts to convince me otherwise will tend to fail until I’VE come to the point that it’s just CMI.

So yea, back to happiness.

I’m surprised that based on my blog I didn’t have any LESS anxiety attacks before getting together with Pebbi. It was just as bad.

It was easy to blame him and wanted my issues fixed .

I’M in charge of my happiness though.

No one else.

And feeling attuned to myself makes me happy. Plus making people happy.

Filling my life up the way I WANT it to and not the way…my insecurities want me to.

We don’t bow down to our insecurities to make the world under OUR control.

So okay my brain is really CMI.

So..is crash now.

Chocomon out.

Knowing

Happy!

Hi blog, I felt like you deserve some love after playing such a huge role in my turning point today.

So..yea.

It’s..nice, liberating, awesome to feel validated and to be me again.

To just be blunt about everything and all ‘fuck you screw this’ about other things.

To just always know.

And not feel bad about being me.

God dammit I missed being me, VERY MUCH.

So happy to be me again.

And a happy me too.

I don’t have profound words, I’m happy, but also fucking tired because what is sleep.

Happy!