It’s about what you can and not what you are

Since young, I’ve been told many times by my parents, mostly my dad, about how:

  • cowardly
  • Careless
  • incapable of handling stress
  • unadaptable

I am.

But life has proven to me that, yes perhaps I AM all the above things, but when put in those situations, I am capable of surviving and overcoming.

So I AM cowardly but I CAN be brave.

I’m careless but I CAN be careful.

I’m easily stressed but I CAN handle stress.

I’m unadaptable but I CAN adapt.

Sometimes we get caught up in thinking about what we are and not what we CAN.

Humans are not naturally swimming creatures but we CAN swim.

And I think at the end of the day, it’s not whether or not you were naturally born to be some way but whether or not you CAN behave in a certain way when situation calls for it, even if it’s against your nature.

You don’t have to be a liar so long as you can lie if situation calls for it.

You don’t necessarily have to be good at it, heck getting good at something is more practice than gift.

So that’s my tidbit of wisdom for the day.

Chomon out.

It’s about what you can and not what you are

Overconsumption

Now we know it’s possible to over-consume. Consume too much sugar, too much meats, heck there’s even such a thing as drinking too much water.

But until the boom of internet and content, I’ve personally never felt the exhaustion of overconsuming content.

So my question is: Is it possible to overconsume content?

Is there such a thing as reading too many articles and watching too many videos?

I think the answer is yes.

Our brain can only process so much in a day. But suddenly the voices of so many brilliant people are out there are made IMMEDIATELY available to us all day every day 24/7. There’s no break, no rest, no digestion.

Boot-camps ALL THE TIME, new TED videos every day, new articles on Medium, Fast company, you name it.

It’s exhausting and frankly I’m not feeling any smarter.

I sometimes wonder if I retain anything.

My bookmarked list and saved links are longer than the pokedex (as in the latest one).

I guess that’s why the C word (cough Curate cough) is such a big deal now.

We just want someone to filter out everything and tell us what is good, what to read and what we need to know so the brain nutrients out there is a little more manageable.

Because, while the books end, the internet will never stop growing. And reading a book without an ending is more tiring than you’d think.

Overconsumption

Why being busy is good for depression 

Why being (sustainably) busy is good for depression. 

When you are occupied, your brain doesn’t have time to mope.  

(But mind you, we said sustainably. Not stressed out and overwhelmed by work.) 

So when people say get a life, they really mean, find fun and or positive (possibly productive). 

So if you find yourself emoing, or depression poised to strike, acknowledge it and do something.  

Play candy crush, read a book, watch a show, to out and buy stuff, exercise  (not running but something intense that will require your focus). Basically switch your focus to something else so your brain can’t mope,bonus if it’s something that gives you happy brain chemicals.  

Why being busy is good for depression 

Problem solving

Today I have just unraveled the source of my depression! 

Okay I’ve always known but now I know for sure.

It’s my mom.

Yes I see the complete lack of surprise.  

That being said, knowing means we can start fixing. 

So what is (rather, are) the source of the problem? Aka what about my mom that pisses me off.

  • Complete utter lack of communication 

Her communication is painfully one sided. She comes to you if she has things and or if she remembers things and when she’s fine.  She just goes. She can disappear for days and not tell anyone what’s going on and operates in a shroud of mystery. 

That’s bad enough by itself she LOVES to assume. She often means the best but when you make assumptions without information..you tend to step on people’s toes. For example her assumption about the laundry incident. Her assumption about the theme park. Sigh. And then there’s her assumption about everyone else’s free time to help her with her things.  

And on top of bad assumptions. She is too lazy to communicate half the time. As in its not even one sided if you just DON’T communicate. We could have made plans on the assumption of family day and she would always have last minute plans and it just drives me crazy. It’s so disrespectful. 

  • The world revolves around her 

Everyone’s time revolves around her. The world will automatically accommodate her time requirements.  This doubled with her lack of communication means you’re expected to know her god knows what schedule and fit your life according to hers. 

Worse, she constantly wants to be involved in people’s lives..but..

  • Time blindness. 

Woes of ADHD people I know. But still, she has no sense of time or how busy she actually is. This in turn means that she is over filling her time, too busy to make time for people and tries to fit people in at the most inconvenient of times for them and also for herself. 

In short, everything is a fucking mess. 

  • Everything is needlessly difficult and complicated around her 

Why do I have such a short fuse with my mom? I’m a Virgo.  We care about logic and principle. And my mom goes against all logic makes everything that in principle are supposed to be easy unnecessarily difficult and stressful. 

For exmaple: paying for Internet bills, paying for bills in general, getting reimbursement for stuff, buying her food, finding time to talk to her, seeing the doctor, picking things up etc. 

The list goes on. 

And then we have the hypocrisy. 

Sorry, Virgo people just cannot with hypocrisy. You say you care about people the you act it. You make them for them. Not this wishy washy bullshit. 

*rage* 

But okay raging doesn’t fix this shit and I really don’t want to spiral.  

It’s like…I try so hard to be there for you and help you and love you but you make me so miserable. 

Well…I can either be a victim forever for fix this shit. 

So let’s see, what we need are better systems. A better communication system and financial system. 

So okay communication system needs: 

  • Physical reminders and visualizations of appointments and times
  • Visualization of what’s going on in everyone’s moves  (projects) 
  • Weekly set time for catching up on what’s going on aka family day 
  • A weekly or daily report (with fixed quetsions) about what’s going on in life 
  • Rules about communication and family days (e.g. no pick up required unless people asks) 
  • A  section for task requests and to do list (chiro, pay bills etc.)
  • A concerns section (e.g. the fucking laundry people)
  • Foods available at home and if people are eating in or out 

As for financial system 

  • Set a day for all reimbursements 
  • Have a reimbursment budget form that will be gone through on family report days (incoming which is pebbi’s rent and my thing. Outgoing which is all the reimbursement)
  • methods for payment: an actually always functioning family card or Ebanking where I have access (always need set up recurring payments)  or cheque. 

And finally to sit her down and talk (aka make her feel bad) and to make sure she follows the system. 

But yes this system should resolve lack of communication, assumption and time blindness issue. 

The only problem is, why must she make it so fucking difficult for me. Why. 

Problem solving

One more

I have enough energy left in me for one more post.

I know myself best, that much is clear.

And look, I know what relationship I want.

And minus this fundamental issue we have, I am happy. This is what I want.

It is a make or break issue, but I am willing to and I want to try.

That’s just who I am.

I will very likely be left behind in the end.

But I would rather try.

Not for the sake of others but for myself.

Before I am just done with love for good.

For now though.

I am just done with humans. Everyone means well. Can I just choose the care I need. I don’t like dealing. I just always have to because it’s the right thing and I will get to it.

I am done with people, with individuals of any sort. If they’re not here to make me feel better, they can go and wait.

I’m just..everyone is so eager to solve the damn problem now.

LOOK THERE ARE ONLY SO FUCKING MANY OPTIONS.

Can we deal with my emotions first?

Of course, no one gives a fuck about that.

Can we talk about PRESENT ME and what PRESENT ME needs and tell me about how to prevent future me from being like past me later?

I am sick of appreciating.

I just want what I want but I can’t have okay.

End of story.

Because fucking hell love and care is too much to ask for.

One more

Let’s..try again 

Morning blog. 

While I try to nurse that tiny speck of me that is still..me, back into shape.  (Sigh we are so broken right now) 

I just wanted to take this chance and try again to fix the situation at hand. 

What exactly is wrong? 

I think on a fundamental level, it’s just incompatibility and needs not being met. 

I don’t get the love that care I want and he has getting all this drama and emotions.  

Sigh, it’s easy to want to just assign blame because I’m hurt as fuck now. But I’m sure he’s hurt and tired too. (I wonder if he ever thinks that of me. Sigh) 

Okay let’s start with me. 

Problem is..well all this.  The depression and drama and things acting up  

Let’s get down to why it even happens.  I really really don’t like drama. If anyone even knows me they know I don’t like drama, period. I try to solve problems. Really I do. 

And if something has to come to me ranting or raging, either of the following has happened:

  • I’ve resolved the issue so I just want to rant and get it over with 
  • I can’t do anything else about the issue besides rant and I’m at tipping point where I need to just let it all out.  

It’s important that I feel vindicated, or at least accepted and understood. 

…this is supposed to be about him and not me. 

Okay. 

So alright, how do I reduce drama for him. 

Essentially, be happy more. 

I really am a happy person. 

Just also a very sad person. 

I feel everything strongly, it’s who I am. You love me or hate me for it. 

So to tell me keep the sad bit under wraps and kick at her is to tell the happy me to take a hike. 

..okay this is going nowhere. All this is going back to explaining why I am getting way I am.  

Unless the real solution lies in just him putting down his views and really understanding me. 

Putting aside his views, his experiences and his pain.

He can understand why I am feeling the way I am feeling and  coming from but he won’t share that feeling. 

Can’t or won’t

Whichever.  

Okay okay anyways. Let’s try to lay out the core problems 

  • Too much emo and drama
  • Solution: I need to be happier.  To resolve that..I need to be in my healthy space..-> this is the part I have problems with.  I am in it. Until I get pushed out of it.  
  • Fundamentally different ways of dealing with emotions
  • Solution: either one of us changes or we just deal with our own emotions. 

I’d like to think with empathy comes change. Change to be more accepting and to naturally do the right thing.

My empathy of him had caused me to not run away, be more uunderstanding of the world. 

If he truly had empathy for me, he would naturally be able to comfort. Or am I wrong? 

If you understood where I’m coming from and my feelings, you would truly understand that they didn’t come from me being emotionally unstable. That I was pushed there dealing with a lot of shit. And that’s what happens to normal people, they snap when it’s too much.  And when you realize this, you understand that the person needs to just reset and let it all out and be unable to deal for a bit,  and want to be there for them to help them deal and instead of telling them to get over it, hold them and let them have that space to feel safe and be sad. 

And the person would do all that because they understand its what the other person needs and not because it is the prescribed way. 

Empathy will show you the best way. 

And empathy isn’t understanding things in YOUR experience but in their experience. 

Empathy is me sitting in his shoes and realizing if i have been hurt by people having depressive episodes, my first reaction would be to raise my hackles and be defensive and walk away. If I feel useless in a situation where I tried to help but makes things worse, I’d hate the situation and not want to deal with it too. 

And precisely because of this understanding and empathy.  I chose to forgive him and love him despite the tremendous amount of hurt that was imparted onto me that day. And not hold it against him. And am still trying to find a better way to have emotions. Even though it’s not my problem and it’s his. 

But empathy doesn’t make my pain disappear. They still have to go somewhere. Just because you empathized with the person who hit you doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt  and those emotions need to go somewhere. Be it ranted out, cried, worked off etc. It’s wrong to just switch off your own emotions when you understand another persons. You have where you’re coming from too. Empathy just makes sure people don’t assign blame and hate each other.  You are still entitled to how you feel, but now because both parties know how the other person feels, there is space to mutually apologize and compromise and accept and work from there. 

…what would happen if I didn’t empathize with pusheenicorn when she is angry at doduo for offering to help but not help properly? Yes logic dictates she should do her own work  but empathy dictates she tried and she genuinely has problems. Understanding that and that desperation makes me understand why she feels the way she does and I this won’t judge her. It’s natural how she feels she feels. And empathy also tells me she feels bad enough and knows where doduo was coming from which is why she’s holding her tongue to him. But that doesn’t mean she will just not feel angry or upset or worried.  And that’s what I’m here for no matter the time and place. To be there and let her rant those feelings and feel a bit better, or just suffer it with them. 

…tears, break downs…they are all cries of help. Warning signs.  Like in inside out.  But if when you are drowning and people come and dunk your head in more..tell you to become a better swimmer..

I don’t know if a person really knows me if they don’t believe in my strength of character to not off myself, to love the word, to look past my own pain, to stand up for myself, to burden people as little as possible, to and ways try my best to be understanding. To be the best ‘swimmer’ I can in the sea of emotions and torrents and if fucking tsunami comes and I yell for help, it means I need help. Telling me to improve comes later. 

I wonder if..it will ever be understood.  Depression is hatred of self. And when a depressed person is down, telling them they can be better and do this better or telling them about stuff they didn’t do..is  giving them ammo to fuel that hate. It’s kicking a person when they’re down. I’m already trying to digest and not let my mistakes enable my depression to just feel sorry and hate myself.  That requires all the energy in the wolrd. I wasn’t right in making someone else feel bad when they had work..I agree. It’s wrong of me. But I have tried and they had it coming and how far must I downplay my emotions to be understanding.  

If empathy isn’t a two way street it just becomes abuse dammit.

Because it will be one part understanding the other party’s emotions and caring for them and changing to fit them but it’s not reciprocated. So the empathetic party just keeps getting hurt, while their emotions are ignored while they’re caring for someone else. 

THIS. is what’s been happening the cute and sources of my emotional instability and unhealthy emotional state and my I cannot fucking deal with the world cut me some slack for fuck’s sake. 

I’d love to be emotionally strong enough to not be affected by hurt and pain. Not there yet doubt I’ll ever be there.  

All I can do is try. And snap and just leave the world to fuck itself. Which it will. Life goes on.  Just a tragic ending to a few small stories and relationships. 

I tried to make things healthy  and do it right I really really tried. I shouldn’t have to try so hard and I’ve learnt in my experience, Which in this blog is enough to make me right, that if I have to try more than a person should and even after they have things don’t work. You leave. If not it becomes masochism. 

Let’s..try again 

Pain pain and more pain

I wish I had words for how I feel now.

I’m broken, just plain broken.

I wish my feelings meant something.

I overreact sometimes.

But I wish the people most important to me tried to understand and tried to take care of me.

I am broken, I have problems…try to take care of me the way I need and want so I can stop empathizing and being hurt.

Perhaps my thinking is flawed.

I never think other people’s emotions are a burden. They can’t help it, you can call them out for it if it gets too much, but that being said, it’s not a burden. Never is. Anytime someone needs you, you drop the fuck you’re doing and you be there for them.

In the middle of the night, in the middle of camp, in the middle of a date. In the middle of anything.

I would like to think, as wrong as it is to expect from others what you do for them, then when I hit my bottom line that they do the same for me.

And not be judged for having bad timing, or inconsiderate.

The assumption that I would intentionally choose a time.

As if I don’t hate myself enough for choosing a bad time.

I reach out because I need help, crying, screaming, breaking down.

They happen because signs that you need help are ignored.

And it’s a last cry for help before a person is just..gone.

I don’t want to die.

But I am very good at just upping it and leaving.

 

I don’t need medicine or a doctor right now, I just need the two people closest to me to stop, just stop pushing and hurting me.

I know they don’t mean to, they don’t know it.

But because they don’t know it, and they can’t change, that’ it’s selfish for me to want to cut myself off? Or to feel hurt?

Feeling hurt when people accidentally hurt you and not being empathetic of them is YOUR fault now then.

I don’t think it’s right, but I’ve come to see that what I think is right hardly ever matters.

There’s always someone else’s opinions, they’ll always mean well, THAT will always be right.

And in light of all that my feelings are brushed aside.

I have to be understanding and the day I want to stop, the only way it CAN stop is if I just leave everyone and isolate myself.

The world is beautiful place, the deep-seated loneliness is just that.

But i’ve lived with a hole in my heart long enough to know that you can have a fulfilling life despite it.

 

And just to provide some justification for the lack of emotional stability.

If you constantly had to reign yourself in, brush off things that hurt, never ever give time to yourself because all of it will worry someone else. Is that not counted as stress or bottling?

It’s bad enough that there is a constant unfulfilled emotional need, to then have salt poured over that wound time over time. And to have to appreciate the kindness behind that pouring of salt. Because it meant well.

All to not hurt the people close to me.

I’ve held back a lot.

Held back from being overwhelmed. Held back from having hostility and hatred thrown at me. Held back from the pain of abandonment and being cut off. Held back from people not being considerate of my feelings.

Held back from having things thrown at me when I am at my breaking point and watching the person who supposedly love you most walk away.

Every single fucking time.

People who claim they love me the most.

Leave me in the fucking ditch when I am fucking broken and need them the most.

Yea a flight to catch, meetings to attend, time for bed.

And instead of leaving, I forgive, I try to understand.

But the pain, you don’t know the fucking pain, how much that fucking hurts.

To know that your tears, your breaking means less than a meeting, a show, a flight.

To be asked to just stop, stop making a scene, just stop it because they can’t handle it.

Wow, all the tears, the rants, anger spats I’ve had to endure at all sorts of times of the day.

I don’t feel like me worrying someone is bad, and why doesn’t anyone blame the people who make me worry like they’re doing something wrong?

So pardon me , if the dam is unstable and will break and overflow.

Is that enough on my plate to justify my emotional instability.

I don’t need medicine, I don’t need the doctor, I just need all this shit to STOP.

Need love. The kind of love I NEED. And no the sort they want to give.

And it’s not like I don’t tell them.

I speak up.

I ask.

I Beg.

Tell me what is there left to do but break and then find the strength to piece yourself back together eventually and move on.

Tell me.

I tell them to stop, stop overwhelming me, stop hurting me, stop saying certain things.

I ask, to be held a certain way, to be understood.

They just CAN’T.

And I understand.

So I just beg, to let them let me be. And don’t kick me when I’m down.

At least when I need to cry and break down, just..let me.

I have nothing left, nothing else I can do.

The emotions they have to go somewhere.

I’ve asked for all other outlets and they are denied.

I’m only human too.

And it hurts, to be told that yes you’re human and you can have feelings and then be yelled at and insulted or have negative reactions when you do exactly as they say.

Maybe I’m just not strong enough.

I’m strong enough to not kill myself.

I’m strong enough to remind myself to stop hating myself.

I’m strong enough to remember to love myself.

I feel like that should be enough.

It has to be.

I don’t have anything more.

 

You know why I break?

I break because the little things I ask for always has to pile up until I break before someone fucking listens. Or in this case doesn’t listen.

I’m not crazy. I’m not broken, or I wasn’t, until I get broken.

 

But everyone else is caught up in their pain so mine has to wait.

And that breaks me a little more.

And more

And more

And I break.

Pain pain and more pain