All these little anxieties

So if it wasn’t obvious enough, although I’m an awesome wise cactus, being me is high in mental stress.

I woke up to the lovely sounds of my sick mother getting ready for a meeting, at 12, after going to bed at 7am after following her to the doctor’s.

The cause of the panic attack is simple.

1. Mom is sick. Mom is not resting.

2. I need to get more rest so I can do my work, but stressing over 1, therefore can’t sleep.

Of course thrown in are the day to day background stress such as, *scrolls through Facebook and see many awesome posts on talks, articles and events*  ‘….I’m not doing anything productive or contributing (okay so I do see my moon aquarius ‘deepest fear is not being a contributing member of society thing’ now) to the world. All the incoming deadlines from school work. All the OTHER unfinished work in the world that I have to do. (Yes proposal, I’ll get to you, and yes, I’ll translate your script for the speech mom, and I know I need to mail EJ books, and get started on that nom nom list, and make my cosplay props, and book flight and housing for Melb trip..and the list goes on)

In all honesty I’m just frazzled.

I also sincerely wish my mom isn’t such a giant emoball when she’s sick.

I know when you’re sick you feel like shit, but like…she acts like she’s perpetually pissed at the world, and because of how she is, she makes a simple flu seem much worse…AND SHE WON’T REST. And..I don’t know, I don’t understand anymore, I give up.

She just finds ways to make me feel guilty that I have a life. *sigh* And she’s not doing it on purpose.

I DON’T UNDERSTAND.

I know I need to, but my brain is out of MP.

Okay, seeing as I feel marginally better, I’ll go get some work done and hopefully that’ll appeased my frazzled self.

Bamboo musings

The people in my life constantly find news ways to remind me that my life bizarre and awesome. 

But there are days where I look back and wonder, what have I been doing with my life while everyone else is busy being crazy and awesome. 

Then I realize that I’m a panda, and the world is in perspective again.  

Just 3 not so little things

Singapore has many problems, but when you really think about it, our problem is with our software. 

As a country, we have unbeatable hardware (infrastructure), it’s our software that isn’t catching up and is causing us grief. 

Those of you who have used Windows Vista will understand, until Microsoft got their shit together and debuted WIndows 7, it didn’t matter if you upgraded your graphics card, your RAM, your motherboard or overhauled your entire computer. The system just sucked. Blue screen of death, things behaving stupidly, you name it. 

That’s exactly what is wrong with Singapore. We’re basically a superpowered gaming PC running on a wonky version of Windows Vista and we need to move to Windows 7 or 8, or a Mac… Basically, it doesn’t matter how much the people and government try to upgrade our hardware, build more malls, houses and open spaces, our problems will still remain until we get a software upgrade.

So what is wrong with our software?

What is a country’s software?

A country’s software are its people and here is, in my humble opinion, the core of what’s wrong with our people (mind you there are so many other things I have to say about the society in general). 

If you try to list it all out, it’ll take me all night, but I realized it boiled down to three symbiotic factors. 

  1. Insensitivity towards humanities and language 
  2. Narrow-mindedness
  3. Shaming culture 

Industrializing has helped Singapore achieve its present status, but those days have passed, our economy has been overhauled but our education culture hasn’t. We consistently place math and science in a superior position to language, arts and humanities. I’m not even going to go into how that damages the self-perceived value of our young due to this system and just focus on the results of this culture. 

We are technically a bilingual, even multilingual country, but as anyone who has lived here will vouch, in practice, we aren’t. Vast majority of this country speak these languages brokenly and it makes you wonder what is our genuine literacy rate if we raised the standards for what literacy would constitute. Yes, math and science are universal ‘languages’, but being weak and therefore insensitive towards language, arts and humanities leads to one fundamental detriment in life. You can’t appreciate non-materialistic things in life. 

Many things in life that fulfill a human being aren’t materialistic. Like the setting sun, acts of kindness, a touching piece of music or a book. So many people’s lives in this great world are brimming despite the lack of material goods in their lives. War photographers, although live a hard life, have a very full life. New age farmers, missionaries, activists,all these people live happy and fulfilled lives although their lives are necessarily luxurious. What opens up your mind to these, what in Singapore would be considered a ‘non-traditional’ way of life is through things like books, talks, productions etc. You need a certain level of sensitivity towards humanities and language and arts to really appreciate these things and appreciate life beyond the simple materialistic context that Singapore has dictated. 

This leads to the second point, narrow-mindedness. It’s not really the people’s fault that hey are narrow-minded, they simply are unable to comprehend greater things. It’s like asking a color blind to differentiate shades of orange or pink, they just CAN’T. It’s hard for them to understand that people can be happy with a life that isn’t led by materialistic fulfillment, that isn’t what is traditionally right. So homosexuality? Art as a career? Sorry, not going to find too many supporters in the mainstream society here. Sad to say, a lot of the people here still stubbornly subscribe to the ‘Success is defined by the amount of money you make’ and ‘If I am successful I will be happy’ doctrine. I’m just going to end this point by saying that our economy is way too small for every person in Singapore to make the amount of money they desire to live what they would consider a happy life. 

Which leads to my third point, shaming. If your only source of happiness in life is materialism, and the chances of probability dictate that you are unlikely to fulfill that source of happiness anytime soon, what do you do to make yourself feel better? Put other people down. By putting other people down and making yourself feel superior, you don’t feel so bad about not achieving the level of success you need to be happy. With nearly every other person in the society shaming and putting the next person down, I’m really not surprised that we’re a very unhappy country. It’s like a pot full of negativity. 

Now these three factors come together to become a vicious cycle and people are perpetually unhappy. 

Of course, I hate it when people complain and never discuss solutions, so here are solutions. 

Now I am aware that the solutions are not perfect, but nothing in life is, all you can do is implement solutions and resolve problems along the way. 

So anyways, to break the cycle, you need to open people up to new, positive values. In personal opinion, the following few are good places to start:

  • Happiness advantage 
  • The world is your oyster 
  • Redefining success

First of all, we need to let people know that you don’t need to be successful to be happy, you’re more likely to be successful if you ARE happy. Second, we need to stop looking inwards, people need to see the world as the place where they can make money, a lot of lifestyles not possible because of Singapore’s size are also more possible abroad. Finally, we need to redefine success for people. Cars, houses etc. These aren’t success. They can be. But so can being a good person, or being a supportive parent etc. 

Of course in addition to that’d it’d be nice if we just overhauled the entire education system, get some famous people to come to Singapore and tell the current adults in the society that success isn’t the minor box they’ve dictated, allow wider labels as to what ‘Singaporean’ constitutes, increased wages, get our public transport more efficient and stop getting parents to use their children’s grades and achievements as measurements of how successful they are as parents. 

But that’d be asking for too much. 

So there, just 3 not so little things. 

Not a happy trooper

Yes it’s a ranty post.

See I just want my immediate social circle to be happy, mind you my immediate social circle consists of 7 people, so It’s not exactly hard.

And if it is impossible for them to all magically have no problems in life, can they either:
1. Find a new place to bitch for one day
2. Not find problems in life for one day
3. Learn to appreciate the good and accept the bad.

Like I get it, I really do, but whiners piss me off. like yes, there are negative things in life. when will you get over yourself, does it make you feel better dumping all your negative emotions on me? What has it fixed/achieved? And it just feels like people are looking for reasons to be upset and Pissed off and like, why guys, why.

Like yes, I enjoy being a positive energy generator but I’m out of order because like, dude, you don’t abuse the generator for small things in life. Your computer breaking down at work and retarded assholes in life don’t count.the world doesn’t revolve around you, now go out there and be happy already.

It feels like you’re shoving a million and one good things in their faces and they insist on the bad.

I have no energy, I have a Shit ton of work, I am hungry, I am sleepy, I just wanna drop off the grid and retreat into the hermit cave. Like I don’t need perpetually unhappy people in my life.

Realistically?

I’m just out of EP and hungry. And I’m about to be a panda, that is the epitome of all happiness.

Rawr!!!!!!!

Mini-rant

Maybe it’s because I naturally gather information and analyze situations, so to me, excessive discussions, complains etc. all seem fucking pointless. 

I know that some people just need to rant to make themselves feel better (case in point what I’m doing now), I also know that some people need others to lay out the facts and analyze all points of view for them. But there really just comes this point whereby you’ve analyzed all there is to analyze, debated about ALL perspective and aspects, bitched to the point whereby you stop feeling better and people should just take action. 

Like for fuck’s sake. Just shut up and do it. 

The conclusion will always be ‘it depends’. There will never be 100% certainty, a perfect answer or the absolute truth. 

So rather than wasting time trying only to come to the conclusion that you already know, which is ‘there is no answer’, how about lets just come up with solutions, pick one and DO IT. 

UGH!!! I CAN’T STAND THIS ANYMORE. 

THIS IS WHY ACADEMICS ARE ANNOYING. 

They are necessary, I admit, but still. 

YOU SIT IN YOUR FUCKING CHAIR, DO YOUR RESEARCH, CREATE YOUR DISCOURSE AND THEN…continue sitting in your chair. 

I am a Virgo and we are the epitome of planning and research but even I am going crazy, like you can talk about this till kingdom come, IT WILL NEVER END. NOW CAN WE MOVE ON AND DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!? ANYTHING. 

Obviously ice-cream didn’t help. I’m just gonna go do something and work off the frustration. ->see, solution and action. 

一時四分

今日はまた眠れなかった。

って言うか眠いけど眠れない。

なんか泣きたい気分。

でも泣くことすらできない。

だって泣く必要ないだし。

じゃ、なぜ気持ちがこんなにも暗いだろう。

恐らく、負の感情がたまり過ぎって、身も心も耐えられない。

現実は何もないのに。

全てはあるべきどりに。

けど自分の世界はめちゃくちゃだ。

何もかも重過ぎって。

実は眠いんだ、寝たいんだ。

日常は辛い、何もないのに。

疲れった、泣きたい、眠れない。。。

何度も使った言葉,厭きる程。

も、理由になれないんだ。

休みもとった、問題も解決出来た。

少しずつ、落ち込んいる。

少しずつ、厭きている。

怒りたい、叫びたい。。。結局泣きたいだけだ。

自分が憐れだっと感じたいだけだ。

寝るべきだ

理由もない憂鬱

Cajon drabbels

I just took a quick peek at myself in the mirror and scared the shit out of myself. 

Apparently lack of food and sleep can drain all the color off your face, I haven’t seen my lips that pale since I had serious food poisoning. 

So taking a break from work, I’ve decided to muse why it’s awesome to own a cajo, and why you should buy one even if you don’t play.

  1. It’s like a drum set, except it’s a box. Have you any idea how much space that saves?
  2. It’s a chair, a good sturdy one. You can bring it with you, it’s light, you can move it anywhere in the house to sit on it. Total lifesaver when you have too many guests. Also it takes up so much less space than an actual chair. 
  3. Fits into a corner neatly. I’m OCD, this is important. Cajons are are rectangular box, that makes keeping them neatly a breeze. 
  4. It’s a table. It can double as your night stand (very well at that). More importantly, when your actual table has run out of space, you can leave stuff on it. If for some reason you’re sitting on the floor, it can double as your computer table, snacking table (it’s the perfect size for a bowl of chips). 
  5. It’s portable, you can bring your cajon with you to carry out any of the above functions anywhere, anytime! It’s as heavy as a 15inch laptop (macbook). 
  6. You can jam with it. 
  7. Should you ever need to annoy anyone with loud banging noises, you’re covered. 
  8. It intrigues cats. No really, they stare at it, wondering why this wooden box creates such strange noises and then attempts to crawl inside it only to find the hole is too small. This in turn amuses you. Cajons are amusing.
  9. It’s great exercise. Ever tried playing punk rock beats on a cajon? That’s a work out.

That’s all the crap my brain can generate today. Off to eat food and sleep.

Chocomon out.